Porridge Page #2

Tragic. Tragic?! Tragic for that

woman he had under the laughing gas!

There's no need for that, Ives.

I'm paying for my peccadilloes.

You're paying? I'll have a large one

What's a peccadillo? It's a South

African bird that flies backwards

to stop getting sand in its eyes.

No. I know what you mean, though.

It's an animal called the armadildo!

Armadillo

No, that was King Arthur's codpiece!

I think that's what I'm eating

TOILET FLUSHES:

Don't worry, it may never 'appen.

It HAS. I'm here, ain't I!

Now, look. Whatever you're

in here for, you did it, didn't ya?

Yeah. Yeah. If we hadn't been caught,

we'd have been Jack the Lad, eh?

But we was collared. So don't bleat!

If you can't do the time, don't do

the crime. I ain't bleating! Good!

Prison is like life, you know.

You need something to believe in

in here, so you don't go under.

You can't buck the system.

But you CAN lift the heart

with an occasional little victory.

Well, nice talkin' to you, Rudge.

Oh, one more thing.

Don't hang about here. Ambush Alley

they call this. Not a safe place.

transvestites, homosexuals, addicts.

When someone just sits down and gets on

with it, it's like a breath of fresh air!

Oi!

Most areas of the home

counties are affected by power cuts.

Talks between the government and the union were

broken off after the rejection of a 14% pay increase.

Shoes all right,

Mr Grout?

OK, on your way, Jacko.

THEME TUNE FOR 'THE ARCHERS'

I don't like the look of that

new 'un, what's his name, Beal?

Put me king back, Fletch.

What are you incinerating?

It's there. It was there!

Was it? Maybe I jogged the table.

Maybe the wind blew it.

That's why they're called draughts,

you know.

Go on, put it where you like if winning's that

important to you. I'll have it where it was thanks.

I don't mind losing

so long as it's all fair and square.

Show me a man who laughs at defeat, I'll show

you a black chiropodist with a sense of humour

Almost lock-up, Mr Beal. Then I'll

buy you a jar. I wouldn't say no.

The prison officers have a club known as the

Prison Officers' Club in the old coke store.

It's basic but they've worked wonders with paint,

horse brasses and imagination. Look forward to it.

Oh... sorry, Mr Mackay.

What are you up to?

Listen, Mr Mackay!

You're always up to something.

This is Ives, Mr Beal.

Horrible Ives, aren't you?

Well, if you say so, sir.

Don't be cheeky, Ives!

BELL RINGS LOUDLY

What a shame. Just when you was poised

for victory. We'll continue this tomorrow.

IF I'm free. I shall have

to consult my social diary.

"Well, that's all I have time for.

"There's the ironing to do

before Starsky and Hutch.

"I love you

and miss your loving... "

"Arms", I think it is.

Yeah, it would be.

Then there's lots of hugs

and kisses. Nice letter.

So there's nothin' in here

about a welder or a canary?

No, I would have noticed.

'Ey! What? There weren't

no welder or a canary!

And I never thought there were,

neither!

What's he on about? Search me.

Stir crazy, perhaps.

How did that kid, Rudge,

wangle the farm? Charm

Since chow, he's just sat starin' at the wall.

Well, it's his first experience of your cottage pie!

Best not to move about after that.

He's only a kid. Listen to HER!

I remember how I felt on my first

night when that door banged shut.

Go and have a word with him. Why? Well,

you perked ME up when I first come inside.

Godber, you was forced

upon MY cell.

It was in my interest not to have a

manic depressive in the bottom bunk!

Suit yourself. I will, I will.

Oh, dear. You owe me darning wool. I gave

you some! Yes, in exchange for the orange.

Tangerine. Besides, that was

to pay me for the stamp. What stamp?

For your pools. I paid that with

toothpaste! That was for the darning wool.

I'm not going to argue with you

all night! Have you got any?

Yeah. Well, are you gonna

give me some or ain't ya? Yeah.

What? Free, gratis and for nothing?

Yeah. Cobblers!

ALL AWAY!

Let's have them away now!

RESOUNDING SLAM:

OF DOORS AND LOCKS

All away!

Let's have them away!

Evening, all.

Mr Mackay.

What will you have, sir?

No, no, no, my shout.

Henry? Oh... oh, no. I-I must be off

soon. Nonsense! He'll have the same again.

Mr Beal and I will have a pint of your finest.

I'll have a dram on the side. Purely medicinal.

Snug in here, don't you think?

Very nice.

Any suggestions, put them to the

Committee, of which I happen to be Chairman.

The Club gives the men a chance to unwind at the

end of the day, have a few laughs. Right, Henry?

Oh... yes. It's... invaluable

in that respect.

A welcome sight! The first today.

Here's to you, Mr Beal.

Here's to you, Mr Mackay.

What you had to say

was very instructive, sir.

Well, one does one's best to be helpful. Very

helpful. Cheers. Bottoms up. Oh... down the hatch.

No, it's not a glamour profession. We're

underpaid, understaffed and overlooked.

Even though every time we walk these

landings we put our lives on the line.

If you can't stand the heat, get out of the

kitchen. The public only hears of us adversely,

when some namby-pamby politician takes up the case

of a psychopath who claims we treat him roughly.

What do THEY know, sir! That's why

we're a pretty tight bunch here. Unified!

Unified in the face of criminal

hostility and public indifference.

That's why this place

is important to us.

Where the hell IS everybody?!

You awake, Fletch?

No.

It's that bloke Atkinson. Mmm.

He keeps getting these

terrible nightmares. I know, yeah.

He told the shrink

but all he's given him is aspirin.

You have to feel compassion,

don't you? Yeah.

A human soul in such torment.

Belt up, Atkinson, you noisy scrote!

Let's be having you!

Morning, Atkinson. Sleeping better? I slept like

a top till some stupid prannit started shouting!

What's the rush, son. You should watch where

you're going. You watch where you're standing.

What's your name?

What's it to you?

There's no problem here,

Mr Lassiter.

N- name's R-rudge. Rudge.

My name's Harry Grout.

Don't think we've had the pleasure.

These are my friends,

Samson and Delilah.

Samson got his nickname

because of the muscles.

And she got hers because of her

striking resemblance to Hedy Lamarr.

Grouty, listen to this! What? You know

Robbie Patton who works in the laundry?

Well, his wife wanted a divorce so she goes to

a solicitor. He says she's got to have grounds.

First, there's insanity. Robbie's

dim but he's not certifiable, is he?

Then, there's desertion. Well,

he can't go nowhere in here!

Third, cruelty. He wouldn't

hurt a fly. Fourth, adultery.

"What's adultery?" she says. He tells her. "Got

him!" she says. "He is not the father of my child!"

Good, innit?

Thought you'd like it! Can I have

laddo? We mustn't be late for work.

Come on, lad.

"Not the father of my child!"

Very funny!

Never mind.

Who was that fellow on the landing?

Harry Grout. He runs this nick.

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