Postal
MAN:
Tower two.Stand by.
[ speaks indistinctly ]
That's affirmative.
Congratulations, Nabi.
We are at the doorstep
of our martyrdom.
Praise Allah.
Praise him!
Soon we will be greeted
by Allah, the one true god,
and by the cheers
of our forefathers
and by 99 perfect virgins
who will worship us
for all eternity!
I thought it was 100.
What's that?
they promised me 100.
what's the difference?
If they're telling you one thing
and they're telling me another,
maybe they don't know
for sure.
Maybe.
Maybe the exact number
of virgins is not precise.
I mean, if it's in the 90s,
I can live with that.
Or 75.
Hey, I'm not greedy,
but what if it's 10?
Well...
What if it's 10, but we have
Then you'll have
five more virgins
than you have right now,
right?
We're talking
about eternity here!
How long will five virgins
last you -- maybe a month?
They're not going to be virgins
for long, right?
Look, would it make
you feel better
if we called the big guy?
Yes.
Take the stick.
- Okay.
It's ringing.
Osama, yes, it's Asif.
No, we're on it.
It was fine, but security
takes forever, you know?
What are you going to do?
Anyway, look,
Nabi has a question.
Will you talk to him?
No!
[ mutters indistinctly ]
You do it!
Hello!
Yes.
Uh, it's about the virgins.
Really?
It was 100 when I signed up.
[ sighs ]
He said
it's not that many anymore.
Too many martyrs
in the first go-around.
You've got to be kidding me.
Does he know where we are here?
Give me the phone.
Take the stick.
Osama, it's Asif.
Right now, can you tell me
the number, absolutely,
that you can guarantee
Nabi and myself,
as far
as virgins are concerned?
[ pounding on door, indistinct talking ]
No, that's fine.
MAN:
Do it!Come on, man!
He can't guarantee
more than 20.
MAN #2:
Open the goddamn door,you bastards!
MAN #3:
We're gonna f***ingkill you, you motherf***er!
MAN #4:
Lying pieces of sh*t!
MAN #5:
Open the door!MAN #6:
- Open this f***er!Screw this, right?
I'm glad you said it first.
Okay, get on the intercom
to the passengers.
We are changing course
for the Bahamas.
Bahamas!
Aah!
[ indistinct shouting ]
We're going to the Bahamas!
[ indistinct shouting ]
Aah!
[ whistling ]
[ gunshots ]
MAN:
...Has again expandedthe definition of marriage,
this time to include any union
between a man and a woman,
a man and a man,
a woman and a woman,
a man and a collie,
or a woman, a polish sausage,
and a long weekend.
The standoff with Mr. Cruise
Has now stretched
into its eighth day.
Cruise continues to insist
that police are violating
his parental
and religious freedoms,
citing human sacrifice
as essential...
Today on
"Good Morning Paradise,"
mayoral candidate Eugene Wells
joins us to talk about
the new political landscape,
and the newest toy craze
of the year --
Krotchy dolls.
Stay tuned. It's gonna be
a super-dupe show.
Turn down that f***ing TV!
I can't hear my show.
[ indistinct shouting on TV ]
Yeah,
nothing's good on anyway.
Just, uh, preparing
for my interview.
Fight!
Aw, you fight like a p*ssy.
No one's gonna hire
your sorry ass.
Why don't you go suck up
to your Uncle Dave already?
[ gagging ]
God damn it!
What the hell
is going on out there?!
Ugh.
Nothing.
Make sure you pick up
that welfare check!
Kiss, kiss,
sweetie pie...
[ speaks indistinctly ]
[ squishing ]
Come on!
Come on!
No.
Bad boy.
Bad boy.
I told you --
no poopies in our yard.
No poopies in this yard.
You only poop in
the next-door neighbor's yard.
Feces in the yard.
[ sighs ]
That's a violation
of trailer-park
ordinance number 101-40.
Stop eating the poop.
I'll add that to the list.
Th-the list?
The list. Great. The list.
W-what else?
What else
you got on the list?
Ordinance number 143-11.
Yesterday around lunchtime.
Now, I don't care what you two
do in your own bedroom,
says if I hear your lewd
lovemaking after 10:00 a.M.,
I get to file a grievance
against your sorry ass,
which is
exactly what I'm gonna do!
Oh. Oh.
- Oh, okay.
Well, at least I wasn't boning
my sister, you inbred hick.
Oh, for your information,
hillbilly,
I wasn't even here
yesterday afternoon.
[ laughs ]
[ sighs ]
I hate this town.
Matt!
- Whatever!
This f***ing sucks.
And NASA,
The National Aeronautics
and Space Administration,
does not exist.
All the space missions
that we've heard about
since we were little kids
in school --
creations of Hollywood.
We did not land on the moon.
There is no John Glenn.
Well, there's a John Glenn
who's a Senator...
Hey, hello?
You, professor.
What is this,
a reading library?
Yeah, yeah.
Two minutes, buddy.
Ah, no "two minutes" now.
You buy now, or bye-bye.
Bye-dee now now.
Ah, go on, bye-bye.
Go on.
Bye-bye.
You bye-bye.
Goodbye. Goodbye.
- Hey.
Don't let the door
hit you on the way out.
Daddy, Mohammed says he needs
to talk to you again.
What about?
What else?
Okay, so, what did she say
about me exactly?
That slut.
# killer, yeah,
and rhyme till I die #
# with an AK-47
from side to side #
# man, it's hot in here #
# you just to stake that
out of this atmosphere #
My brother.
Anything suspicious?
No, nothing, Mohammed.
Trust me...
for as long as you want.
Well, that may not
be for much longer.
Oh?
We have news
from Afghanistan.
News? Oh.
It is all coming together.
The shipment
left three days ago.
Oh.
Praise Allah.
When, uh, will be it here?
Tomorrow!
The time has come for us
to place our swords
to the genitals
of the infidels.
Whoo-hoo!
[ keys clacking ]
Gah.
I see
motivational.
Those are
every f***ing bastard
that I had to climb over
to get this job.
Jesus.
[ laughs ]
Foul.
They're paper-mache.
They're --
he thought they were real.
[ chuckles ]
Sit down.
Let's get started.
So, I hope you don't mi--
I hope you don't mind
the recording.
Uh, we're gonna use it
as training later.
Ready?
Uh, yeah, yeah.
It's good.
What the f*** is wrong
with you?
It's, uh --
All right,
we're on a time clock,
So let's get started,
shall we?
Yes, sir.
Good.
Well...
Um, so, I'm here
for the job, sir.
Right.
You're a factory worker.
I was.
I was a factory worker, but
so I got laid off, and --
I've interviewed 15 other people
for this job.
What makes you think
you're better than them?
Well, I don't know
if I am better than them.
Well, god damn it, pal.
If you want this job, you better
reach out and grab it.
You better put
those f***ing heads on the wall.
You know what? F*** it.
Let's go to the questions.
What is
your greatest strength?
Um...
I'm a really good team player.
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"Postal" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 13 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/postal_16119>.
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