Postal Page #2

Wrong.

[ keys clacking ]

What is

your biggest weakness?

Um, I'd say I work too hard.

Wrong.

How would you move a

mountain using only a spoon?

A spoon?

If you were in a box,

how would you think outside it?

Uh, it's --

well, if you're in a --

Wrong.

Last question --

What is

the difference between a duck?

And?

What the hell

is wrong with you people?!

A d-- a wh-- duck?

I don't --

I came here for a job, a job!

As far as I know, that job

has nothing to do with a

cocksucking, motherfucking duck!

[ keys clacking ]

Congratulations, pal.

You're

our leading candidate.

How does it feel?

[ keys clacking ]

It feels good.

No, no, no, no, no.

How's it feel?

How does it feel?

I mean, how does it feel

to put f***ing 15 heads

on that wall?

I'll tell you how it feels.

It feels f***ing great,

doesn't it?

F***ing great, like, unh,

unh, unh, unh, unh, unh...

So, I got it?

I got the job?

Oh, hell, no.

No, no, no.

This was just a like

a getting-to-know-you interview.

Oh, yeah, no, no, we have --

we have a couple of more -- 120.

Yeah, we have some, uh, more --

more candidates to talk to.

But hell of a start, though.

- Absolutely.

Last thing before you go --

I'd like you to sing

the company fight song.

[ up-tempo guitar music plays ]

# it's not a flag,

it's a company #

# a high-flying company #

# and it will cheerfully

work you to death #

# by the time you are old,

the pension is sold #

# and your cube

will be your casket #

# it's a company,

a high-flying company #

# now please get back to work #

[ music stops ]

We'll get back to you.

[ keys clacking ]

I hate this town.

[ Mark Polak's "Peace, Love,

and Harmony" plays ]

# change has begun #

# ah, ah #

# spread the word today #

# ah, ah, ah, ah #

# follow the flower children #

# let them lead the way #

Brothers and sisters...

I am proud

to introduce to you the one.

[ cheers and applause ]

Hold up your energies

for Uncle Dave!

[ cheers and applause ]

Good group, good group.

[ inhales deeply ]

Welcome to the Denomination

of Organic Monotheism.

I congratulate you all on taking

the first step to freedom

by completing

your training program.

Obviously, you've come

to the correct conclusion

that the American dream

is not a dream for you.

WOMAN:
That's right!

In fact...

it is a nightmare...

[ cheers and applause ]

yeah!

...a nightmare that soon

will be engulfed

in the all-encompassing flames

of God's damnation!

Yeah!

Pious people in the house,

say, "oh!"

- Oh!

- Oh! - Oh!

Who loves God?

We do!

- We do! - We do!

[ knock on door ]

RICHARD:
David?

Huh?

Oh, yeah.

Initiation.

I love this part.

No, no, Richie, no, no,

this is...

this is just -- this

is just inner-sanctum stuff,

strictly ritualistic.

Uh, Uncle Dave, uh,

sorry to bother you,

but we've got some rather

important business.

[ grunts ]

The girls --

they need to go.

Oh!

Mm. Okay.

Children, it appears

that Brother Richard here

has to, uh, commingle

our -- our energies.

Sweetie -- sweetie --

Let's go.

Come on, ladies, move.

[ pop! ]

DAVE:
There we go.

WOMAN:
But I want more communion.

- Wa-kah!

Oh, we'll do communion,

I promise.

It's my favorite meal

of the day.

Don't worry about it.

RICHARD:
- That's nice.

Now go.

- Oh, hello.

God bless it.

Ah, Richie, what the f*** is it?

What's the problem?

We're having something

[gasps]

of a cash-flow problem.

What the f***

you talking about, Richie?

Did you see all those recruits

out there today?

It's true.

Membership and donations

are at an all-time high,

and we got more tail running

around here than the --

than the Playboy Mansion,

but it's --

[ farts ]

[ water splashing ]

Yeah? So?

Then what's the problem, Rich?

[ breathing heavily ]

Well...

[ farts ]

...it's the IRS.

Yeah?

Well, what do they want?

Uh, it seems we haven't paid

our taxes in three years.

So what, man?

I tried to explain,

of course,

that with our continued expectation

of the end of the world,

it's difficult

to justify contributing

to long-term programs like

Medicare or Social Security,

but, um...

[ farts ]

[ water splashing ]

...apparently even

a selective tax payment

is not an option.

Oh, come on, Richie, you know

I don't like to micromanage.

What the f*** do we do

about this, all right?

Well...

- Huh?

[ exhales heavily ]

What's your plan?

[ gagging ]

We pay them or, uh --

Ohh!

[ toilet flushing ]

We pay them,

or everything is all over --

the weenie whacking,

the pantless parties,

the tacos, everything.

And you...

you go to jail.

So, how much do we owe?

Mm...

[ inhales, exhales deeply ]

$1.3 million and 79 cents.

Oh, f***, Rich.

Oh, d-d-don't despair,

Uncle Dave.

When the government

slams the doors shut,

G-O-D always opens

a window.

Oh.

That's a beautifully

retarded sentiment, Richie.

Now, if you don't mind,

I'd like to be alone.

Well, if you need me,

I'm in the other room.

It seems

pretty unlikely, Rich.

Unfortunately, the supply of Krotchy

dolls can't meet the demand,

And parents and

children alike have been

lining up for weeks to

get their hands on them.

We'll be back in two minutes.

See you then.

# I prey on the innocent #

# living on the grind #

# tryin' to get a dollar

out of 15 cents #

Hey, yo, hi.

Come here.

Help me out with a few bucks.

Yeah, I -- I don't have

any money.

Come on.

Come on, I'm serious.

Come over here.

I need a few bucks to get a bus

to go see my kids.

I -- yo, I don't have --

sorry, I don't have any money.

- Hey, come here.

Come here.

I want to talk -- come here.

Get the f*** out of here.

I'm sick and tired

of people like you, you know?

You got a good job.

You got a big car.

You got everything,

and I got nothing.

Well, f*** you,

And f*** everybody

who even looks like you!

Get the f*** out of here!

# brace yourself #

I'll f***ing knock you out, pal.

# just to see how it feels #

GREG:
It's green.

[ siren wails ]

Look, you can make the light!

Hey!

[ horn honking ]

Oh.

You can make the light!

Come on, b*tch!

God damn.

She could have made

the f***ing light.

She forget her glass.

You say "glass"?

- Yes.

You say "glass," you

frankfurt-eating motherf***er?

I bought all these goddamn English CDs

For you

to say f***ing "glass"?

It's "glasses."

You f***ing foreigners

come over here,

and you f*** up

the language,

and this b*tch

is f***ing up the traffic!

Come down, Greg.

You f***ing calm down!

This flat-ass b*tch

comes over here,

she takes over

the convenience stores,

and they eat up

all our goddamn dogs!

Go and help her.

Come on.

WOMAN:

What's the holdup?!

You're right.

I'm trippin'.

I'll just get out of the car

and make sure she's doing okay.

She's an old lady.

[ sighs ]

I feel bad now.

[ woman shouts indistinctly ]

Hi.

The light is green.

[ speaking native language ]

The light is green.

You could have

went through the light.

The light turned gr--

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