Postal Page #3

what did you say?

[ speaking native language ]

What'd you say, b*tch?

Aah!

Why don't you stir-fry that?

[ man laughing ]

WOMAN:
Holy f***!

MAN:
Damn!

Yeah, that'll get her moving!

Man.

What happened over there?

B*tch called me n*gger.

[ indistinct conversations ]

Ooh.

Whoa-ho-ho!

Did you see that?

Yeah.

[ chuckles ]

One date with me,

she'll look like she's been hit

with a mayonnaise truck.

[ both laugh ]

That's right, Mr. Stickum.

[ both laugh ]

Yeah, I hope she comes back.

You got to hold it.

[ whimpers ]

Thank you.

Okay.

All set?

- Yes.

What do you got?

- I will have a medium...

[ inhales sharply ]

[ squeaking ]

No, you know what?

I'm gonna have a large.

I'll have a large mocha.

Okay.

No.

No, you know what?

Maybe a -- maybe a vanilla.

Okay.

W-w-what do you think

goes better with bagels?

Unh!

You had 10 minutes

to make up your f***ing mind!

What is it with you people?

Can somebody please tell me?

I mean, we sell coffee.

That's it, nothing else.

You're not buying a car,

I mean, right?

Make a f***ing decision, huh?

How about it?

I know.

Here we go.

You're gonna have

a regular coffee.

Careful -- the beverage you're

about to enjoy is extremely hot.

Next?

Uh...

What?

I, um --

Two lattes,

no foam, please.

[ rock music plays ]

I can't believe

this is the first time

you've ever been here.

Huh.

I mean, all these f***ing idiots

calling me Uncle Dave,

And here I am --

I actually am your Uncle Dave.

[ chuckles ]

Yeah.

So, when was the last time

I saw you?

The bachelor party,

right before the wedding night.

Oh, f***, yeah, right.

That was fun.

I wonder

if that donkey survived.

[ inhales deeply ]

Well, what do you think

of the place?

Ah, it's -- it's amazing.

Yeah. I kind of owe it

all to you, you know?

Me?

Well, we always talked

about running a con like this, right?

- Yeah.

You know,

about how gullible people are,

how they'll believe anything

if you just tell it to them

a couple of times?

Anyway, I just took all that

talk, put it into action,

pushed it to the next level,

and...

here I f***ing am.

Man.

I just can't believe it,

you know?

[ exhales deeply ]

Yeah.

You know, it's funny you showing

up here like this, you know,

'cause I find myself in a --

in a financial situation.

And I have a plan

for getting out of it,

But I could use a partner.

Uh, no.

No, no, no.

I know where this is going,

Uncle Dave.

I -- I don't do

that type of sh*t anymore.

Come on,

it'd be like old times.

Remember when we stole the flag

from the Governor's Mansion?

Twice.

Yeah.

And this plan

is foolproof, man.

I got arrested

the second time.

Well, that plan

wasn't foolproof.

Yeah, they prosecuted me

under the new flag protection amendment,

and with that on my record,

I couldn't get into a good

college or get a good job or --

I pretty much just play

by the rules.

Look, man, nobody plays

by the rules, all right?

You bend them,

or you break them.

Anything else

is just slow death.

Yeah,

that's what it feels like.

Yeah.

All right,

well, f*** it, man.

I never push you

to do anything, right?

I always let you go your own way.

- Yeah.

Besides, it's working out great

for you, right?

I mean, you got the beautiful

wife, the nice home.

If you change your mind, though,

you let me know.

Here,

have a souvenir ashtray.

Thanks.

MAN:
Now, you're gonna get a

welfare check for $168, right?

F*** you, man.

You give me that check,

I'll give you $250 worth

of food stamps.

You understand what I'm saying?

Major profit there.

This is a good deal, pal.

It's a f***ing great deal.

Sh*t.

MAN #2:
That's $82.

[ bell dings ]

$82. You're good at math.

Hey, that's you.

You're next.

Here, use my pen.

Use my pen

and don't forget to date it.

Hey, have you heard

that since the United States

has closed their borders they're

getting rid of the Statue of Liberty?

I don't understand you.

All that scrap copper's

gonna be for sale.

I don't want copper!

You go away!

Wrong form.

What?!

Wrong form!

Look, I don't care

what form I have, all right?!

I'm not leaving here

until I get my money!

Buddy, come on.

Hey, buddy, let's go.

Come on.

Where's the pen?

Where's my pen?

Hey, come here.

He's got my pen.

Hey! Hey!

MAN:
Down! Down!

Sh*t!

[ woman screams ]

[ woman humming ]

[ gunshots ]

WOMAN #2:
F*** me!

[ humming continues ]

Help me!

[ gunshots continue ]

Ugh!

Aah!

WOMAN #3:
Oh, my god!

MAN:
Just get down!

Get down!

[ man screaming ]

That does it!

Don't do it!

Don't do it!

Don't do it!

Don't do it!

Don't do it!

I need backup!

Unh! Unh!

[ indistinct shouting ]

Sweet.

[ speaking native language ]

[ grunts ]

Aah!

More f***ing backup!

[ bell dings ]

Number 25!

Right here.

Here.

Right here.

Sorry, we're closed.

[ siren wailing ]

WOMAN:
My baby!

POLICEMAN:
Ha! Unh!

Unh!

Unh! Oof!

[ metal squeaking,

woman moaning ]

WOMAN:
Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah!

Oh!

[ moaning ]

Oh, yes!

Come on!

Give it to me, daddy.

Give it to your bad girl.

[ up-tempo music playing ]

[ moaning ]

Oh, yes!

Give it to me!

Oh!

Oh, yes!

[ music continues ]

MAN:
I'll be back in a second,

sweet cheeks.

[ breathing heavily ]

Hi, neighbor.

Guess I won't be needing

that grievance after all, huh?

Okay.

# love #

# I'm sucker for love #

# your love is a love

that I can't get enough of #

# I'm a sucker for love,

your love #

Got to find the wet spot.

[ laughs ]

[ metal creaking ]

Leave the welfare check

on the counter.

Oh, yeah.

There. Oh, yeah.

Oh!

Give it to me, you stud.

Yes.

Oh!

Oh, yeah!

Yes!

Get me a large bottle

of cooking oil.

The extra-virgin kind!

Oh, yes!

Yes!

[ moaning intensifies ]

Oh, yes!

Oh!

Please, Uncle Dave, please,

just a few hundred bucks,

just -- just enough to get me

out of this fuckhole town

for the rest

of my life, please?

Hey, sport.

Last chance.

Come on.

Help me out with a few bucks.

I don't have anything.

Who the f*** do you think

you're talking to, huh?

What, do you think I'm stupid

or something, huh?

Listen, you're not gonna help me

out, I'll help out myself.

Open up the wallet.

Dude, who you talking to?

No.

Let go of my gun.

What's the matter with you?

Bro, you still there?

[ muttering ]

Hey, bro?

Hey, while I got you,

I got to ask you --

What do you think of those --

those mileage rewards programs?

What's the matter with you? Let go.

- No!

You know, I thought you could

use those miles anytime

To get tickets, right?

But, you know, I tried, and

you can't use them at Christmas.

Last chance.

- No.

Give me the gun!

- No.

[ gunshot ]

Aw, sh*t, sport.

[ thud ]

It's like at every holiday

it's blacked out.

Like, anytime you want to use the

f***ing thing, it's blacked out.

DAVE:

That's bullshit, isn't it?

Dave?

- Yeah?

I'm in.

You are?

Oh, f***,

that's great, man.

But you know what?

You caught me at kind of

a busy time right now, so, uh...

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