Postman Pat: The Movie Page #2

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Im Simon Cowbell

and we'll be back after this break.

Unfortunately.

Television is a vast wasteland.

All right. This is it! We're up next!

All the lessons and work are about to be...

Josh! Try to remember why we're here!

What would I be today

if I wasted my life on video games?

A talent agent with only one client?

Look, laddie, I have swindled a lot of old

ladies to pay for your singing lessons,

and I will not...

Well, we're back. Or, rather Im back.

With an empty stage.

Let's take this opportunity

to enjoy the silence.

Thats it! You're on, lad!

Go on, wee man! Break a leg!

Right. What have you got for us?

Josh, is it?

- I thought Id sing a song.

- Well, that's refreshing and new.

- Ive had a few dancing lessons, too.

- What incredibly useful information.

Thank you. Go ahead.

Steal another two minutes of my life.

Yeah

Here we go. Yo!

Give me just a little time

I swear I'm gonna steal your mind

Making it seem easy

while you're playing hard to get

You think you've got it figured out

Oh, but you don't wanna

get struck by lightning

Uh-oh, uh-oh! There you go

Struck by lightning, you can't fight it

Uh-oh, uh-oh, ooh

Struck by lightning

Can't stop...

ls everything all right, love?

Yes! Yes, yes! Everything's fine.

I mean...

Struck by lightning

Can't stop crying for me

Ooh, ooh, ooh, boom, boom, boom

Shut it.

Ive seen a lot of putrid,

revolting, stomach-churning,

horrifically bad acts tonight.

And that was not one of them.

Congratulations, Josh.

You're on to the next round.

We did it! We did it!

Record deal, here we come! You beauty!

I'm gonna be rich! Im gonna be rich!

Next week, You're The One auditions

are coming to Greendull...

Sorry, that's Greendale.

Dad! Did you hear that?

Theyre coming here!

mm? Oh, that's nice, Julian.

And remember, contestants,

this year the grand prize

is a recording contract,

a lifetime supply of Pot Noodles,

and an all-expense paid trip to Italy.

Whoop-DE-doo.

Whoop-DE-doo... What? Hang on.

Did you say Italy?

- That's right, Italy.

- Hold on! I don't have a pen.

And for those of you

in Greendale without pens,

auditions are this Sunday at 5:00.

Sunday at...

5:
00.

When the little hand is on the five

and the big hand is straight up!

Got it.

I know I'm the One.

It's time to see if...

You're The One!

If it means a trip to Italy for Sara,

I certainly hope I am the one.

Mmm-hmm!

Right!

Who's hungry for a nice Italian dinner?

I made chicken khakiatore.

- Wow, Mom. That looks like...

- Lt looks amazing, love.

Oh, thank you, dear.

Ah! So, Edwin, my lad,

how are you settling in?

Feeling like part of the SDS family yet?

Now I may be the CEO of the oldest

package delivery service in England,

but I want you to think of me

as your slightly older uncle.

My uncle was eaten by dingos, Mr rown.

Really? How strange.

Thats exactly what happened to the man

who used to have your job!

What a bizarre coincidence. Now if I may?

I have noticed SDS employs a lot of people.

Ah, yes. The best part

of running a business.

- Working with people.

- People slow a company down.

SDS does not need people,

it needs machines.

This programmable postman

is 1 0 times faster than a human.

The perfect worker.

This is the future of SDS!

Well, I don't know about that.

Ive already begun running tests.

I've never been in a film before!

This is very exciting!

Ooh! A knock at the door.

What should I do now?

Just answer it

as you usually would.

Hello.

This is your mail. This is your mail.

We have had some problems finding

a customer-friendly design for the robots.

Again?

Yes, again.

Do I have to?

If you want your 2 quid, Mother.

Mail!

Delivery! Delivery, old woman! Delivery!

You will accept the fruit basket!

You will accept!

You will accept!

You will accept! You will accept!

That was cash upon delivery!

Uh... Yes. Well, that was,

um, very nice, Edwin.

- Lovely cinematography!

- My point, sir,

is that the UDM 3000

can increase profits 500%.

What, the evil robot?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!

I don't think terrifying people

is really the SDS way.

Here, have a lolly from the "good try" jar.

And Im sure your next idea

will be loads better!

So, let's end the meeting.

I think we've covered everything.

You're The One is on

and I never miss that show.

SDS will use my robots, Mr rown.

And once they've replaced your postmen,

Ill replace you.

Come on, Dad. You don't want

to be late for the auditions!

I'm surprised you're doing this, dear.

- You usually hate the spotlight.

- It's not for me, Sara. It's...

It's...

A chance to perform on the telly.

Oh, and what will you be singing?

Well, I was wondering, would you mind

terribly if I did our wedding song?

Oh, Pat. Thats so romantic!

Of course I don't mind.

Well, then, I suppose we should get to it.

I wonder if anyone else from town

has heard about the audition.

Around the ragged rocks

the rugged rascal ran. Oh, yes!

oro! oro! essie, why won't you toro?

Once more, from the diaphragm.

"Now is the winter of our discontent

made glorious summer by this son of York."

Oh, yes, folk have often said

how much I look like Michael ubl.

No, it's Justin ieber you want to be.

Isn't it exciting, Pat?

Oh, yes. I suppose. It's very exciting.

- Hi, Pat! Hi, Sara! Hey, Julian!

- Hi, Michael!

Oh, I am the very model

of a modern major-general

I've information vegetable...

I don't care! I am sick of schlepping

from one backwater village to the next,

auditioning tatty country bumpkins

and their amazing musical sheep!

Simon! We're on in five.

Oh, all right. Let's get this over with.

Show me what Grimdale has to offer.

- Thats Greendale, Simon.

- Whatever.

Another wasteland of talentless wannabes.

- Yes?

- Im Dorothy hompson.

And Im her husband, Alf.

Pleased to meet...

I can't believe I'm actually

meeting you, Simon!

This is the closest

Ive ever been to a real celebrity.

Well, my second cousin was the national

clog-dancing champion, but he was...

Charming. Are you one of the local judges?

Me? On television? Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

- You're the other judge, then?

- Uh, yes.

Er, certainly. Though I do usually leave

the judging to a higher power.

Unless it's a knobbliest knees competition.

Then Im an expert.

I can never UN-see that.

Oh! Pardon me.

Well, if this is the best they've got,

that recording contract is in the bag.

Was I supposed to bring a bag?

And we are live in 1 5 seconds!

Lights.

Cameras on standby.

Take your seats.

Contestants to the stage, please.

Yes, that's right, line

up right over there.

Do we have playback?

We are live in five,

four, three, two...

Hello, and welcome to another hour

of television magic.

I know Im the One. It's time to see if...

- You're The One!

- You're The One!

- Sir, if we could just discuss my robots...

- Shh! Shush! Theyre starting.

We're in Green Dill tonight.

- Thats Greendale.

- Whatever.

Oh, let's just get this over with.

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