Preservation

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The bear went over the mountain

The bear went over the mountain

The bear went over the mountain

To see what he could see

To see what he could see

To see what he could see

And when he got over the mountain

And when he got over the mountain

And when he got over the mountain

What do you think he saw?

What do you think he saw?

What do you think he saw?

A bullet in his brain

A bullet in his brain

A bullet in his brain

- Pow!

- Pow!

Have you seen this? This is the video

of that cat getting flushed down a toilet.

Look.

Fat kid does karate.

Homeless man drop-kicks pedestrian.

Have you seen this one?

I don't have a phone.

First graders have cell phones.

Get a phone.

Cell phones emit

electromagnetic radiation.

Radiation affects brainwaves,

attention levels, testosterone.

I'm not worried about my testosterone.

I'm worried about you.

What if somebody needs

to get in touch with you?

- What somebody?

- What if there's an emergency?

- What emergency?

- I'm... the emergency is hypothetical.

I'm hypothesizing that at some point

you might need to get in touch

- with a member of the human race.

- Nah. I have a dog.

Speaking of dogs, do you remember

when we spray-painted

that Cocker Spaniel

that lived next door?

I remember being grounded for 17 months.

One time...

when the old man was changing

his carburetor on that piece of sh*t C10,

I threw a golf ball

at a bottle of Pennzoil.

Direct hit. His face was covered

in transmission fluid.

You're lucky the old man

didn't choke you with the fan belt.

I was lucky that you were

always there to save my ass.

To my big brother. Welcome back.

Are we there yet?

- I have to pee.

- You're a peeing machine.

You... Are you okay?

Are you experiencing kidney failure?

Do you need dialysis? Seriously. Why is it

that women need to pee every 17 miles?

Can we just find a gas station?

Honey, we are going camping,

not antiquing.

At some point, you're gonna have

to tinkle amongst the trees.

Come here.

I want to go antiquing.

Walter, I didn't mean to leave you

with your dick in your hand

with the Rothman account.

Yeah, no, something came up.

I'm not gonna be back

in the office till Monday.

Tell Bridget...

make sure Bridget confirms the conference

call and CCs me on the invoice.

This too.

Thanks.

Oh, sorry.

It'll die. Eventually.

His battery? It'll run out.

- I was hoping he wouldn't get reception.

- Yeah. No outlets in the woods.

He'd better hope I don't feed

that phone to my dog.

Can I have the bathroom key?

I thought you guys said

you'd been here before.

When we were kids. I guess

there's been some budget cuts.

- Well, how can they close a state park?

- They can't.

Little chain-link never stopped

the Neary family.

Isn't there, like, a fine or something

if someone catches us?

There's nobody here. The place is dead.

10 years old, front tooth

is loose but won't come out.

Dad hands me that model 70,

and the recoil knocks my tooth right out.

From that day forward, Dad always

called this rifle the Tooth Fairy.

I hate that gun.

Come here. Come on.

Walnut stock, mauser action.

I'll take Dad's old Winny

any day of the week.

Old is the operative word.

You stick with your iron sights.

I'm going with an EBR-2B HD zoom radical

with a 75-yard Parallax setting

and real-time ballistic calibration.

That's not hunting. That's cheating.

Look at that. Map says

there's a kid's museum.

- Kiddie museum?

- What trail are we taking?

We don't follow the trails.

We follow the animals.

Well, I'll follow you.

I'm directionally challenged.

Don't worry, we won't get lost.

We got GPS.

And so does the dog.

I got Buck a present.

Come here, Buck.

Real-time GPS.

The red dot is Buck.

He can chase down the deer.

We find Buck, we find Bambi.

Hey, litterer.

What if some little kid steps on that?

Then some little kid can sue me

for negligent disposal

of mediocre American beer.

Little kids are real litigious

these days.

Let's go hunting.

Alcohol and firearms.

A Neary family tradition.

I don't see anything.

Just 'cause you don't see 'em

doesn't mean they're not there.

We're not watching them,

they're watching us.

As long as we can find this dot,

we find our way back.

Hansel and Gretel used breadcrumbs.

Sean prefers spray paint.

It's biodegradable.

Woods are the only weapon you need.

Yeah, well, I need something

a little more heavy-duty.

PETA must love this.

All is fair in love and online shopping.

A real hunter doesn't give chase.

A real hunter is already there.

Close your eyes.

Count to three.

One...

two...

three.

Oh, God!

I hate it when he does that.

First time hunters hesitate to kill

because their emotions interfere.

Emotions are a mistake.

Watch, wait.

- Be ready to pull the trigger.

- She's totally ready.

She's got her game face on.

I don't know if you knew this about my wife,

but she's a very competitive person.

Beginner's luck.

Now don't worry, honey. No pressure.

I've never seen anyone

bag a buck on their first try.

We'll see about that.

Like I said, competitive.

That dog never takes his eyes off you.

That dog saved my life.

Several times.

Please tell me that isn't our dinner.

- Tastes better than it looks.

- I'm vegan.

I'll pick you some pinecones.

Come here.

Come take a cut.

Come on. I thought you went

to med school.

If you want to exsanguinate,

you cut the carotid.

All right, so I guess blood

doesn't exactly bother you.

My first year of residency,

I did an ER rotation.

They gurneyed in a four-year-old boy with

bullet wounds from a drive-by-shooting.

A bullet had ruptured his orbital plate

causing subarachnoid hemorrhaging.

He bled to death in my arms.

So...

no.

Blood doesn't bother me.

I saw a 13-year-old get burned alive

outside a madrasa.

Couple of PFCs got drunk,

got a can of gasoline,

took a Bic lighter to her burqa.

They called it "Hot Potato."

Court martial called it a "thrill kill."

A bear will kill because it's defensive.

A lion will kill because it's hungry.

Man's the only animal

that kills because it's fun.

Don't get too close.

You might cut yourself.

I didn't mean to interrupt the tutorial.

Please proceed.

I smell like viscera. I'm going

for a swim if anyone cares to join.

- No peeking, pervert.

- Scout's honor.

Beware the creature

from the algae-filled cesspool!

You're like a... pilot fish

that latches onto dorsals.

It's a symbiotic relationship.

This is totally the type of lake from which

a two-headed creature might emerge.

Polycephalic creatures don't scare me.

Brain-eating amoebas, on the other hand?

This lake is filled with parasites.

Builds your constitution.

Sean and I used to pee in the pool

every day growing up.

- It was like swimming in lemonade.

- Wait, are you peeing right now?

We should put in a pool.

- Pools are a lot of work.

- Yeah. But it could be a lot of fun.

Oh, we could have pool parties.

You know, if we ever have kids.

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