Priest Page #5

about what men do

with their d*cks ?

Do you ever doubt

in the existence of God ?

I do. It's not war,

famine and disa-- I mean, the--

These things make me angry,

yeah, but they don't make me doubt Him.

- But when I look at the church today...

and see careerists

and hypocrites...

and...

Pharisees thriving...

in positions of power,

then... I doubt

the existence of God.

How could He

let this happen ?

That judge--

What's he called ?

Denning.

He said,

he'd rather see innocent men

rot in prison...

than for the British legal system

to be ridiculed.

He put pomp and ceremony,

the cap and gown,

before the principle itself.

That's what

we're doin' now.

Churches, cathedrals,

bishops, popes.

All the trappings of power.

We care more about that

than the thing itself.

The teachings of Christ,

love and compassion...

for all mankind.

All mankind.

- Men, women,

black, white,

old, young,

gay, straight.

-

All right, up your end a bit.

- Watch the back, Billy.

- All right, go back if you want.

Yeah, yeah.

Careful.

Take it easy.

My car !

They've taken my friggin' car !

It's just one

of the trappings of power

that you despise so much, Matthew.

Along with the roof over your head,

the food in your belly,

and the clothes on your back,

you bloody hypocrite !

Hello.

Dominus tecum.

Um, et cum spiritu tuo.

Tota die pluit.

Eh-- Yes. Yes.

Scio te penitus.

Te es pustula

in corpore Christi.

Pustula vivens

spirans monstruosa.

lam iamque

in pus et cruorem...

et foetorem eruptura.

You've lost me, I'm afraid.

I said,

I know all about you.

You're a boil

on the body of Christ.

A monstrous,

living, breathing boil,

ready to erupt at any moment

into pus...

and blood and stench.

I think I preferred it

in Latin.

You'll be paid a pound

for every Mass you say,

and you're not to go out

after dark.

Fine.

Benedic, Dominus...

nos et haec tua dona.

Do any of you read the Notes

and Queries page in The Guardian ?

Look, I know you

don't want me here.

But in a way,

hasn't God sent me ?

- You've broken the vow

of celibacy, that's all.

- Bollocks !

So you should demand to be treated

the same as any other priest.

- Heterosexual, homosexual,

it doesn't make any difference.

- Utter bollocks !

You've broken a man-made rule,

that's all.

It's there for the protection

of property to keep it away

from the widows of priests.

- Christ was celibate.

- It's there for the mobility of labor.

- No wife, no kids,

so you can kick a priest...

- Christ was celibate.

-from one end of the earth to the other.

-Christ was celibate !

Look, Matthew,

the church gives us everything:

money, food, shelter, respect.

And all she asks

in return is celibacy.

Christ gave his life.

All we're asked for is celibacy

and we can't even manage that.

- Christ didn't ask us to be celibate.

It's manmade.

- Solemn vows !

- It's a manmade thing.

- "Do you solemnly swear ?"

That's our currency, Matthew:

Solemn vows.

And we debase them because

we can't even stick to them ourselves.

What's his name ?

Graham.

- Do you love him ?

- I despise him.

Satan comes in many forms.

This is the man who gave you his body.

How dare you talk

like that ?

ln the name of God, Greg,

you gotta ask yourself--

Now, look at me,

look at me when I'm talkin' to ya !

To call another human being

Satan, I mean--

What kind of religion

is that ?

What kind of sick,

twisted brainwash...

have you been through ?

His sole purpose in life is to tempt you

into sin, is that what you're sayin' ?

You're Christ

and he's just the bloody serpent.

ls that what you're sayin',

you arrogant prick ?

I think I love him.

Yes.

Do you want him ?

Yes.

All the time ?

A lot of the time.

And is that sinful ?

Sick.

So... to itch for a man

is sick;

to want to scratch that itch,

to want to make love

to another man, that's sinful ?

Yes.

And to want to go on scratching,

to live with another man--

Well, that's permanent sin.

That's evil.

That's "depart from me,

ye cursed" stuff, right ?

Yes.

ls there any sense...

any intellect, any...

common humanity

in that kind of bullshit ?

What're you laughin' at ?

- You laughin' at me ?

- Yes.

Don't patronize me, Greg.

I patronize you ?

I live it, Matthew.

You think you can just walk in here and

spout some glib Guardian reader crap,

and bang, all's right with my world;

I'm reconciled to my nature.

Cue the uplifting music.

I--

Who's the arrogant prick now ?

What's he doin' now ?

I want you

to say Mass with me.

- I can't.

I want this door

left open.

- I beg your pardon !

- Matthew...

he's chaperoning us.

I don't believe it !

Jesus !

Give it to me, big boy !

How-How was it for you ?

You owe it to them.

To confront,

to challenge, to teach.

I can't.

Come over on Sunday.

Say Mass with me.

I can't.

Big Chief Sittin' Bull

wouldn't hide himself away.

He'd have reservations.

I'll see you.

- Good luck.

- If you don't hear from me

in three days,

send out a search party.

Well ?

Abi et futue te ipsum,

sordide senex.

Yeah.

Go and look that one up,

you old bastard.

Okay ?

Yeah.

There ya are.

There's the bum boy.

Tsk-tsk-tsk !

Shh ! Shh, shh, shh.

Sit down, please.

Would you please

sit down ?

As you can see, Fr. Greg's

here with us today--

I'm sorry, Father, but this...

is out of order.

- This is definitely out of order !

- Why ?

Why ? Have you Jeremy Beadle

stashed somewhere ? Have ya ? Eh ?

- Because this a joke.

This is a laughingstock.

- Yeah.

You, you are making a laughingstock

of my faith. You know that ?

Come on, Charley. Hey, Euan, come on.

We're going out of here.

Come on, get movin'.

- Will you tell me why ?

- Oh, for God sake, Father !

You shouldn't need telling, should you ?

Come on, get out of here !

Hey, I-- I am supposed

to have respect for that !

Hey ! Oh, yeah !

I am supposed to take communion

from that !

Oh, aye ! Hey, you're doolally,

do you know that ? Come on !

Okay.

If you don't like it...

if you can't give this man

compassion...

- then go.

I don't want ya

sittin' here !

If you're too English...

too anally retentive...

- too embarrassed to make a scene.

If you object

to this man's presence, then go.

Go ! Go on ! Go !

It's in the Bible.

The Bible ! Do you read the Bible,

you, you pervert ?

It's there

in black and white !

"You shall not lie

with a male as with a woman.

It is an abomination !"

"ln my Father's house

there are many mansions."

- We're all sinners. All of us.

- Excuse me.

That's why Christ

went to the cross.

"And the Lord rained upon Sodom

and Gomorrah brimstone and fire !"

"Let him who is without

sin among you cast the first stone."

"Keep my statutes

and my laws...

and do none of these

abominations !"

"Judge not...

that you be not judged."

Gaagh !

"Lord, how often shall

my brother sin against me...

- You know what the Holy Father

says about it. You know !

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