Primitive London Page #6

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# Well, they'd like to turn a frown

# She knows the way to raise a guy's morale

# All those girls, eyes are blue

All the things that they can do

# They broke every heart

from here to Timbuktu

# Oh those lips, oh those eyes

How these hips would hypnotize

# She's the idol of a million guys

# To the lady who the fellas love the most

# May we offer now this laudatory toast #

(DRUM ROLL)

ALL:
Ladies and gentlemen!

Miss Diana Noble!

(CHEERING)

(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)

# After you've gone and left me crying

# After you've gone, there's no denying

# You feel blue, you feel sad

# You missed the best

starlet you've ever had

# There'll come a time, now don't forget it

# There'll come a time

when you'll regret it

# Oh, my! Think what you're doing

# You know my love for you was right

# After you've gone

# After you've gone away #

(APPLAUSE)

NARRATOR:
Car keys dropped

into a balloon glass.

This is a key party.

Key parties are the latest game of chance.

More exciting than bingo.

It's the latest party gimmick

to whet the jaded appetites

of some of London's party set.

Come on, everybody round.

You're in the middle, come on.

Sister Susie's sewing shirts for soldiers.

All day long she sits and sews...

ALL:
(CHANTING) Faster, faster, faster...

Sister Susie's sewing shirts for soldiers.

All day long she sits and sews,

all day long she sews and sits.

ALL:
Faster, faster, faster!

Sister Susie's sewing shirts for soldiers.

All day long she sits and sews.

All day long she sews and...

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(LAUGHING)

I've got a good game. Have you got

an umbrella or a walking stick?

NARRATOR:
The evening begins with some

harmless, even naive, party games.

But this husband is not so sure.

Those keys do have a significance.

Even, for some, a disturbing significance.

- One.

- ALL:
One.

- Two...

- NARRATOR:
The wife is eager. Why?

Well, at the end of the evening

we'll return and see.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Thank

you very much for that wonderful intro.

What wonderful intro?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Lovely, lovely. You eating here?

- Yes, I am, thank you.

- COMEDIAN:
You are?

- Are you enjoying the food?

- Yes, very much.

- You really are. Nice food?

- Mmm. Yeah.

Rather interesting, because...

You see, I had a friend of mine

who used to work in the toilets here.

If you don't mind me saying this

while you're eating.

He used to work in the toilets here and...

He had to leave. He couldn't stand

the smell from the kitchen.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Eat in good health. Enjoy your food.

NARRATOR:
There's something significant,

even disturbing,

in the new wave of comedians.

They're all comedians

now, no longer comics.

There was a time when

the comedian's stock-in-trade

was a lovable personality.

He tried to create a bridge of affection

across the lights to his audience.

To do this, he wore baggy pants, a red

nose, or loud-striped or chequered suits,

like the caricature of the bookmaker.

That approach has now been relegated

to the circus clown.

It's okay for kids.

He said it was damned awkward.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Then I went to see Mr Harold Wilson,

and he wasn't in, but...

I waited, you know.

He came around eventually,

exhausted after a hard

day's nationalization.

And Mrs Wilson met him with his

carpet slippers and dressing gown and pipe.

And very nice they looked on her too...

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But I think that there is only one man

capable of leading Great Britain

in her time of crisis.

A man of great talent.

NARRATOR:
The modern comedian is a hater.

A man able to voice the unspoken aggression

of a status-ridden audience fluently,

and to rehearse their

unconscious uneasiness effectively.

...dedicated to Malta,

Cyprus and Kenya, entitled...

# They've thrown our customs in our face #

MAN:
I really must protest about your

insulting remarks about the mother country.

What do you mean, "mother country"?

I never mentioned Israel once.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I'd like to introduce you now,

ladies and gentlemen,

to a young man who's made the

British Empire what it is today.

Much smaller.

Stand up and take a bow, off of a cliff.

Finally, and in conclusion,

and as my last remark,

and also to end this debate,

I'd like to present to

you Martine's manifesto

for a brighter, better, cleaner,

smut-free Britain.

Number one. Hairnets for

The Rolling Stones.

AUDIENCE:
Yeah!

Number two.

Free false teeth for nursing mothers.

(LAUGHTER)

Number four, Millie as Colonial Secretary.

Number five. I've only

done four, haven't I?

Anyway, lastly, Barry Goldwater

as Minister of Defense.

WOMAN:
I say, young man,

what are you doing up there?

What am I doing up here?

Madam, and I mean it, I'm doing up here...

I'm doing up here publicly

what you're doing back there privately.

Innit marvelous? Innit marvelous?

Now I know where they've all gone.

The police drove them off the streets

and they're all in here tonight.

NARRATOR:
He'll find a comeback

you'd wished you'd had ready

when that idiot boss

bawled you off this morning.

You'll no longer have to make

your own insults.

Even they come ready-wrapped.

There's an expert to do it for you.

You can buy aggression almost anywhere.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(APPLAUSE)

Come on, everybody, let's have a game.

The spoon game.

NARRATOR:
Our party

is gathering momentum.

Parties used to be given for people

to meet and talk to one another.

They might even develop friendships

that would last a lifetime.

This party is different.

Here, nobody cares about tomorrow.

They don't know if there'll be one.

The furthest these people

are willing to look into the future is

who goes home with whom.

The only rule is that you don't go home

with the partner you came with.

The keys will decide.

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

Meanwhile, they dance away the time

till the lottery takes place.

Not much point in giving a party, really,

since the only important thing

is when you leave.

Eat, drink and be merry,

because tomorrow you'll have to lie.

And speaking of, uh, exaggeration...

Hit coffee. Okay, I've got it.

That's right. Hit the product. Mention

it with pride. That's it, with pride.

With pride.

Okay, Larry. Okay, Charles. Roll.

Take 57.

"Seor pride is real good."

- Cut.

- That's it, Mac. Simply great, simply great.

- A terrific interpretation, wasn't it, Basil?

- But Roger, Mac said "pride".

I know. Great, wasn't it? Just right.

Mac said what?

"Pride!" Oh, no, that's wrong.

It's coffee, spell S-E-N-O-R.

- Mac, haven't you got a script?

- No, sorry, it's all that talk of pride.

Well, concentrate, Mac.

And as we're going again,

I'd like to remind you,

the sponsor likes to hear his name.

(SIGHS) Sponsor's name.

- MAN:
Rolling.

- Take 58.

"Seor Coffee is real good."

- Cut.

- Practically there.

I like that easy style, Mac.

By the way, the agency department head

likes to hear all the words.

You're tending to lose "is" there,

Mac, like this,

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