Private Benjamin Page #2

I thought I'd be

filling up my freezer...

...and be getting this new

pine sideboard that I ordered and...

Jessica, I do hate...

...to stop your free association,

but our switchboard's flooded.

So set your phone down

and turn your radio up, okay?

Hello, Night Owl,

you're on the air.

You lucked out. I read in

the Enquirer this morning...

...that marriage causes cancer.

Philadelphia Night Owl,

you're on the air.

About that Palestinian homeland.

In your Bible you'll see...

...that the Arabs had first dibs

on the West Bank.

Not tonight, Del, thanks.

Line 4, have you

got advice for Jessica?

Yes, I do. Hi, Jessica.

My name is Jim.

First let me say

how terribly sorry I am...

...about your misfortune.

And nobody knows better than you

that things can 't get much worse.

It's also pretty obvious that

you need guidance, security...

...good friends and a healthy dose

of self-confidence, Jessica.

What I'm saying is,

I think I can help you find a new life.

- Are you Jessica?

- Jim?

Yeah, hi.

Am I late or you early?

I'm just a few hours early.

Come on.

I should tell you,

my name is really Judy.

I just didn't want anybody I knew

to hear me on the radio.

- Macht nichts.

- What?

It means,

"It makes no difference" in German.

I was stationed over there

for 26 months.

UNITED STATES ARMY

RECRUITING STATION

What does that look like to you?

What? Club Med?

It's the Fort Ord Army

Base in Monterey, California.

Those look like condos.

And every soldier gets

his or her own private room.

What are these, yachts?

The Army is the best-kept secret

in the world, Judy.

Looks great, but you don't know me.

I'm not the Army type.

Forget that old brown boot

image of the Army.

It's the 80s Army, all the ladies love

it. All 89,000 of them.

Check out this list of jobs.

There's over 300 jobs, and only

a couple of them not offered to ladies.

Trained killers, stuff like that.

- How much do you earn per month now?

- Now?

Nothing.

Nothing?

Thanks.

What are you thinking?

I'm thinking about...

...my family...

...and my house...

...and all the gifts I have to return.

You shouldn't be saddled with a lot of

responsibilities and decisions now.

I'm prepared to offer you $458 a month,

train you in the job of your choice...

...pay for your food, your housing,

all your medical...

...and give you a 30-day paid vacation.

I'll tell you something...

...with your education and background...

...you could easily land an assignment

in Europe.

Europe?

I do need to get away.

I promise, you'll be in the best

physical shape you've ever been in.

It will be like 3 years at La Costa.

La Costa. That's good!

What if I hate it once I get there?

Quit.

It's a job, like anything else.

I...

State your full name.

Do solemnly swear or affirm...

...I will support and defend...

...the Constitution

of the United States...

...from all enemies,

foreign and domestic.

That I will bear true faith

and allegiance...

...to the same...

...and will obey the orders...

...of the President

of the United States...

...and the orders of

the officers over me...

...according to regulations.

All right.

My name is Sergeant L.C. Ross.

And I'll be your drill sergeant

for your 6 weeks basic training.

My job is to turn you

lovely ladies and gentlemen...

...into United States soldiers.

The first thing we'll do is put you

through your in-processing.

While you are waiting in line for your

processing, you will not, I repeat...

...you will not be flapping your lips.

You'll be filling out these forms.

I'm going to call out your names

and I want you to line up behind me.

Abbott.

Barnett.

Benjamin.

Benjamin!

- Sir.

- Fall in, Benjamin.

I'm Private Winter...

...but I think I can be of assistance

in locating Private Benjamin.

Sir.

- Are we at the fort?

- Yes we are.

Time to wake up now.

In a sec.

Get your ass up

and out on the company street!

I never!

Give me 10 pushups!

Knock them out!

You mind if I check into

my room first?

Assume the position and hit it!

Now!

Up! Down!

What is this, hell week?

No, Benjamin...

...this is the Army!

Excuse me, sir, is green

the only color these come in?

Close it up back there,

you meatheads. Go!

Pick it up! Pick it up!

Close it up!

Close up that field back there!

Come on, move it!

Where are the yachts?

- Excuse me, are you a reporter?

- Who, me?

No.

I joined up, but I'm not staying.

There's been a mistake.

I'll straighten it out

when the manager gets here.

Man on the floor! In front

of your cots at attention!

Barracks ready for inspection, Captain.

What's the matter, honey?

Are you a crybaby?

No, sir.

Ma'am!

I know how all you ladies

drool over this...

...this Fonzie character...

...but not in my outfit.

Burn it.

- Your name, soldier?

- Private Winter, ma'am.

Outstanding, Winter. Outstanding.

Ladies!

Examine Private Winter's locker.

Learn from it.

You keep this up and we'll talk

officer's candidate school.

Thank you, ma'am!

This brassiere isn't regulation, Ross.

And neither is this face.

And you look like a clown, soldier.

Clean up your act.

Gianelli's a 308, ma'am.

So it was the Army or jail?

After 6 weeks with me,

you're going to wish you chose Attica.

Don't push me, punk.

This is the most pathetic group

of trainees I have ever laid my eyes on.

My companies are the best-trained...

...the best-disciplined

soldiers on this base.

I hate to interrupt you,

but could I speak to you for a sec?

My Lord! Sergeant,

would you look at this!

I've seen it, ma'am.

What's your name, Princess?

Judy.

Judy Benjamin.

I think they sent me to the wrong...

...place.

You see, I did join the Army,

but I joined a different Army.

I joined the one with the condos

and the private rooms.

No, really! My recruiter,

Jim Ballard, told me that...

I don't care what your lousy recruiter

told you, Benjamin.

I'm telling you, there is no other Army.

Wait a minute.

I don't want to have to

go to your boss, okay?

To be truthful with you, I can't

sleep in a room with 20 strangers.

Oh, dear!

Look at this place.

The Army couldn't afford drapes?

I'll be up at the crack of dawn here.

And I have to tell you,

I am frankly a little shocked.

You're shocked?

Why?

This place is a sty.

Look at these stains.

God knows where this has been.

And have you seen the bathroom?

Do you think that

the latrine is unsanitary?

It's disgusting!

There are urinals in there.

That's because this is the Army...

...it's not a sorority house.

May I see your toothbrush?

Please?

Yale, how could you do this to me?

You could eat off that floor.

Why don't you.

Reveille! Let's go!

Everybody up!

Move it!

Everybody up! Everybody move!

Everybody, Benjamin!

You can't mean me.

I worked the night shift.

Go check out the bathroom,

it's fabulous.

Alpha Company...

...attention!

Bravo Company, attention!

At ease, gentlemen...

...and ladies.

I'm your post commander.

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