Private Parts

He was offensive.

He was obnoxious.

He was disgusting.

Do you want me to go on?

Once he wanted me

to approve a contest

where he would

give a new toilet

to the listener with

the largest bowel movement.

On the air.

I mean, you can imagine

the logistics of that.

Howard Stern:

You know, when I look back

on this moment in my life,

I really wanted it to work.

I wanted this to be

the biggest moment

in the history of entertainment.

I'm not kidding.

I wanted everyone

to wake up the next morning

talking about me,

Howard Stern.

That's the kind

of thinking, though,

that usually

gets me into trouble.

John Stamos:

I'm here to introduce

the next presenter.

Believe me, a lot of people

refused to introduce this guy,

but, uh...

Is this safe?

When you drop,

don't spin around

or the wires

get screwed up.

[Gasps]

...Radio waves

high above America...

[Crowd Cheers]

It's a bird...

I'm making such a mistake.

It's a plane...

No, it's Fartman!

Howard:

Behold, I am Fartman.

Behold, the greatest.

That is me.

The mightiest

of superheroes.

My ass has power!

Screw Superman.

I am Fartman.

Fartman rules.

Fartman.

Fartman!

And now, in an extraordinary

display of my powers,

I will show you

something so marvelous.

Behold.

[Passes Gas]

The lovely

and talented Fartman,

ladies and gentlemen.

Howard:
I got to tell you,

with all this carrying on,

I mean, the way

they were screaming,

at first I really thought

I'd won them over.

I thought I was the Beatles

on Ed Sullivan or something.

Oh, shock...

But did my fellow artists

appreciate

the comedically ironic aspect

of my new superhero character?

No. They just thought

I was an idiot.

You know, most of these people

are Satan-worshipping junkies.

Hey, look, all I want

is for my artistic courage

to be an inspiration

to others.

Instead, I'm a joke.

Excuse me.

I didn't mean

to interrupt.

Embarrassing.

See, that's when I came

to a profound realization...

Everything I do

is misunderstood.

Haah!

Everything I do

is misunderstood.

I mean, think about

what a burden that is.

What a thing

to go through life with.

All I'm trying to do

is be funny,

and I end up

feeling like an a**hole.

What a f***ing jerk.

Howard, it was a home run.

You think so?

Absolutely.

And when you said,

"All of Hollywood

can kiss my ass,"

you had every

teenager in the country

eating out of your hand.

My guess is

we'll get coverage

from 200, maybe 300...

[Aria Plays]

Howard.

Howard...

here's your ticket.

OK? Now call me as soon as

you get to New York, will you?

Yo, Fartman.

Love you, man.

Thanks.

All right. So getting back

to what I was talking about...

More than anything, I'd like

the public to appreciate me.

No, forget that.

I want them to love me...

Not the myth, but the man.

The real Howard.

Let me demonstrate my point.

Thank you.

Now, take this woman,

for example.

She hates me.

She doesn't even know me,

but it's clear that she's

totally disgusted by me.

Down the aisle

on your right.

- Excuse me.

- Yes?

You don't possibly have

another seat available for me?

I'm sorry.

We're showing a full load.

Right here on your left.

Full load.

Yes.

Sir, may I help you?

To your right.

Hello.

Hello.

Is this yours?

Yeah. If you want

to read it, you can.

Thank you.

Pfft, I've seen

this look before,

believe me.

It's the look

of misunderstanding.

She thinks I'm a moron.

In fact, all my life,

people have told me I was a moron.

You're a moron.

Now shut up and sit still.

You're a moron.

Now shut up and sit still.

So this is my dad Ben Stern.

He was an engineer

at a radio station in Manhattan... WHOM.

Why do we live in Roosevelt

when you work in New York?

Shut up.

[Radio Static]

We never played catch

or went to ball games.

The only sport

my father liked was yelling.

Nothing but crap.

[Changes Station]

[Reggae Music Plays]

- Is this one crap?

- Don't be a moron.

# Shut up your mouth,

That is your daddy #

# Oh, no #

# My daddy

can't be ugly so #

# Shut your mouth,

go away #

# Ooh, Mama

look-a boo boo day #

Huh!

# Shut your mouth... #

My father

commuted every day,

I guess it was, about 40 miles

into Manhattan.

He'd leave at 7:
00 in the morning,

get home around midnight or something.

I mean, I never saw the guy.

Come on. Come on.

Once a year, my old man

would break down

and take me

to work with him.

A little quality time.

I liked that.

A little bonding.

Dad and son together.

I looked forward to that.

[Elevator Dings]

Take my hand,

Howard.

And remember, Howard,

I work here,

so keep your mouth shut.

# Never know

how much I love you... #

You spin and you spin

and you spin.

Records...

Who gives a damn?

Daddy.

I told you, shut up.

That man's

throwing records.

No, nobody gives

a goddamn about it.

None of it.

What the f*** is it?

Just f***ing records!

It's just this f***ing place.

None of it means anything.

It's empty...

Sid, you're on

in 15 seconds.

Get a grip on yourself!

Ah, what the hell

do you know, you bastard?

You mieskait!

You're gonna play the music

for the people? It doesn't...

Symphony Sid!

By the powers vested in me

by the Federal

Communications Commission,

I command you

to get on the microphone

in a serious manner

and continue this broadcast.

Deep, Calm Voice: This is

Sunday Blues And Jazz,

and I'm your host

Symphony Sid.

And now... something

for a blue Sunday.

Howard:
From that moment on,

I wanted to be on the radio.

Show business

was definitely for me.

[Bouncy Puppet Music]

And for my 12th birthday,

my mother bought me

some puppets,

and pretty soon,

I was spreading joy

throughout the community.

# Biddi-bim-bom,

ay-yi-yi #

# Biddi-biddi-biddi #

# Biddi-biddi-biddi-biddi #

# Biddi-biddi-biddi... #

Howard, As The Woman:

Oh, baby, I want it. Give it to me.

More. More. Ohh!

Howard, As The Man:

You like that, huh?

Oh, yes, I love it, baby.

Give it to me.

Oh, baby, yes!

Right there. Ohh!

Oh, more! Harder!

You want it harder?

Oh, yes, harder.

Please give it to me, please.

Ohh! Aah! Aah!

But why can't I play

with my puppets?

Shut up! You know why.

Ah...

You know,

life is very strange.

Nat King Cole:

# Pretend you're happy... #

Just about the time

my puppet career ended,

my whole neighborhood

underwent a demographic shift.

My parents said we're moving

because of those n*ggers.

They said pretty soon, Roosevelt's

going to be nothing but n*ggers.

Really? My parents

said we're moving

because of

all the Shvartzes.

Shvartzes are n*ggers,

idiot.

They're the same thing.

[Tires Screech]

I don't want to hear any more

of this, you hear me?

I'm half negro,

and Howard's half negro.

And anything bad

you say about negroes,

you're saying about us,

you understand?

# And nothing's bad

as it may seem... #

Mom, we're half negro?

I can't believe

the stories he makes up.

I mean, I never made him

wear my underwear to school.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes