Private Parts Page #2

And... And as far as my taking

his rectal temperature

every day till he was 14...

He shouldn't make

such a big deal.

He still grew up to be

a very well-adjusted individual.

Absolutely.

# Papa was

a rolling stone... #

Roosevelt High School...

beautiful.

A fully integrated

educational institution,

which of course meant

6,000 black guys and me.

And then I hit puberty.

That made things worse

because my penis

never got any bigger.

I mean, I was hung

like a 3-year-old.

Hey, seriously, these guys had

rhinoceros penises... huge.

You know, I've heard

black men complain

that they're

unfairly stereotyped.

Man, I'd love to have

a stereotype like that.

Now, because I had

such a minuscule schlonger,

I turned to drugs.

Unfortunately, the drugs

really made me paranoid.

Howard's Mother:
Howard, I smell smoke.

Are you smoking in there?

There's no smoke

in here.

Howard, your father wants to

see you downstairs.

[Gargles]

Howard.

[Swallows]

Howard, you're graduating

from high school this year.

You should be making some kind

of plan for your future.

You need a plan.

I want to be on the radio.

He wants to be on radio.

But to be on the radio,

you have to have a voice.

You have to have

some verbal ability.

You hardly ever say a word.

This all from a guy who's only told me

to shut up about 50,000 times.

I talk.

You really want to be

on the radio?

OK. If you want

a shot at radio,

the counseling center says

there's a communications program

at Boston University.

OK, I know

what you're saying.

You're saying I look

a little old to be in college.

Well, for this movie,

you gotta suspend disbelief.

Hey, Lisa.

Lisa.

Hi, how you doing?

Hi.

I was wondering if you'd

like to go out Friday night.

With you?

No, thanks.

Hi. I was just

wondering if you...

Uh, no.

- Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry.

Excuse me.

Would you like to

go out Friday night?

Friday?

No. I have a lot of reading

to catch up on,

but thank you.

So I masturbated a lot...

2-time-a-day habit.

I'm not proud of it,

but I did it.

Senior year...

Big year for me.

I finally

got up the courage

to go down

to the college radio station

and get myself on the air.

And my name

is Howard Stern

on the Howard Stern

Experience,

and if you love music,

you'll love Deep Purple on TBU.

[Smoke On The Water Plays]

Ohh!

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Ooh!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

[Needle Scratches Record]

How do I forget it?

It's the single worst moment

in radio history.

It's not radio.

It's college radio.

There's

nobody listening.

Nobody. Maybe, like,

3 guys in a dorm somewhere.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, f***.

I know someone on this block.

Let me think.

Come on.

We're getting wet.

Down here. Down here.

Down here.

[Knock On Door]

Hi, Elyse.

Hey.

So, we were on our way to a rally

in support of feminism,

and we got caught

in the rain.

I'm wondering if we can come in

and just hang out for awhile.

Sure,

come on in.

Howard:
Can I use

your hair dryer?

Yeah, there's one at the end

of the hall. Hey, Rach.

Hi, Ellen.

This is Howard.

Oh, hi.

My hair's wet.

Put that there.

I'm just going to go

dry my hair.

Hey, I heard you

on the radio today.

You heard that?

Yeah. What happened?

I didn't think anybody

even listened to that.

Alison, this is Howard.

Howard, this is Alison.

Alison's

one of my roommates.

Hey.

[Thunder]

[Love Is A Many

Splendored Thing Plays]

Howard.

Howard.

Hair dryer's

in the bathroom.

Hi. Hi.

Hi, I'm Howard.

Look at you, man.

You can get her.

You can get her.

She looks hot.

[Sniff Sniff Sniff]

How are you?

I'm making a film

for my film class,

and, I mean,

it's a legitimate film.

You won't... You're not gonna

be naked or anything.

You'll have your clothes on,

you know.

What's it about?

Well, I'm glad

you asked me that.

In my, um, psychology class,

we're studying B.F. Skinner,

and I started to realize that

what Skinner says is true...

We're all rats

trapped in a box,

all searching

for a piece of cheese.

Mm-hmm.

And I'm going to shoot it

on Saturday.

I mean, I can't do it

Saturday.

I work with an outpatient program

for schizophrenics.

One of them actually

killed himself,

so I'm taking

the whole group to...

to the funeral

on Saturday, but...

Sorry.

You are really perfect.

L... All right.

What if I reschedule?

Beautiful. Beautiful.

I don't believe it.

Howard:
Look, I refused

to leave the room

until she agreed

to be in my film.

I feel stupid.

Seriously, she was the most

enchanting woman I'd ever met.

I'm telling you, I am looking

for the face of an angel.

You have

the face of an angel.

[Ghostly Groaning]

Howard's Voice:
Save me.

Save me.

He comes to me.

He comes to me.

Ahh...

Save me.

[Applause]

We give the award

for best student film

to... Mr. Howard Stern.

I'll tell you,

nothing makes a woman hotter

than to be with

an award-winning filmmaker.

This I know.

And at this point,

I knew I was gonna score.

I mean,

it was fait accompli.

I was in. This was it.

I'm a stud.

She was liquefied.

We did not have sex

on our first date,

although

he was very sexual.

Our sex life

has always been good.

I mean, Howard complains

that his penis is too small,

but his penis size is fine.

Howard exaggerates.

[Shivering]

- OK.

- Now hold this and say...

Hi.

Hi, I'm Camille,

and, uh, I'm in Westchester,

New York, and...

This is Howard's

first job interview.

And this is Howard's

first job interview.

Well, he's going to his first

job interview in New York.

- All right...

- [Shivering]

- One more thing.

- Yes?

Can you

take your top off?

- No.

- No, I'm serious.

I'm serious. That's what

they want you to do.

- No, they do not.

- Yeah, they do.

- No way.

- No, they do.

Howard did not

tell me...

[Aerosmith's

Sweet Emotion Plays]

I'm Moti,

station manager.

- Howard Stern.

- You want to be a disc jockey?

Very much so.

I've wanted to be a disc jockey

since I was

7 years old.

What are you,

an idiot?

No, sir,

I'm not an idiot.

L... ln fact, I have a communications

degree from Boston University,

and I would work very hard

for this company

if given

the opportunity to...

You wanted

to see me?

You came late yesterday.

You came late today.

I don't need you. You're fired.

F*** you.

Good. F*** you.

You punk!

F*** you 1,000%% %!

F*** you

till your a**hole

is perfect

donkey a**hole!

[Muttering

In Foreign Language]

OK,

you start tomorrow.

10 a.m. To 2 p. M, eh?

Yes.

Pay $96 a week and don't

bring me your problems.

OK.

I'm not psychiatrist.

Thank you very much.

I promise you

I will not disappoint you.

Thank you.

And I start

tomorrow?

Wimpy Voice:
Westchester 107,

WRNW 107.

Hi, this is Howard Stern,

and it's 75 degrees presently,

winds out of the northwest.

Chance of precipitation,

85%% % for tonight.

Looks like rain.

Tomorrow, partly sunny

at WRNW, Westchester 107.

[Black Sabbath's

Paranoid Plays]

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