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which is why Steve Chunk dog food

is specially reduced in price

from 10/6 on the current market

to 8/6.

but not reduced in chunky,

tail-wagging nourishment.

You are now in what is called

a Steve Dream Palace.

These are 300 of these in Britain

each designed to keep people happy

and buying British.

Steve. His symbol, the arrow,

is your guarantee of satisfaction.

Don't forget that when you buy in here

you're buying Steven Shorter.

14 stone, 7.

- Did you see the chick tonight?

- You're certainly putting it on, son.

I'm not putting it on.

It's a little chemical problem.

The body is still there.

The form is still there.

They run after Steve but the overow

I still get, I want you to know.

What are you doing to your teeth

so much? All that gargling.

Too much with that stuff.

By the way, we've got to do

something about his wrists.

- What wrists?

- What do you mean? His wrists.

They're getting cut up,

all smashed up.

Why does he have to lose

blood for nothing?

I've got his name tattooed

all over me.

Steve, I love you. Steve, wait for me.

Steve, be mine tonight.

I dream about him a lot

and they're always horrid dreams

because he always dies in the end.

When I wake up I say thank you to God

because it was only a dream.

We're falling down on two items, I said:

repentance and heart.

Did they give you anything?

I'm not a knocker

of this kind of music

but the intro goes

something like this...

Is he still giving you

those 4 bar intros?

- 8 bars.

- It's 4 bars, Uncle Julie.

You're counting it in 2. It's 4 bars.

I said to the boy who wrote it what

made him think of that kind of a sound?

How does it come here?

And you know what he said to me?

Maybe I'm a bit old-fashioned

but he said to me...

And you'll never believe this, Alvin.

He said to me that the sound came to him

when he was in a traffic jam.

The hooters were blaring...

And that's how he came to

the idea of the theme line.

Still, who am Ito complain?

His last disc sold...

- Wasn't it 400,000?

- 200,000.

Anyway, we gut together

and we worked out a song.

Alvin, this could be

a minor sensation.

Now, it goes like this...

The boy's sitting in the prison cell...

You got the picture?

Mother...

I never thought I 'd miss your cooking

Mother...

You're the nearest and dearest to my heart

- Mother...

- When is the hook-u p?

Wait, wait, wait for it...

Can't you see, Mother?

The bridge needs a little work here

but get the pay-off: the last line.

The salt spray of my t-e-a-r-s...

I don't want say that it

needs a little work but...

Never thought I'd miss your...

I'll start again.

Mother...

I never thought I 'd miss your cooking

Mother...

You're the nearest and dearest to me

Mother...

Can't you see, Mother?

The salt spray of my t-e-a-r-s.

- Well? How's that?

- It's a nice tune, Uncle Julie.

Well, no, no. It's not

It's a horrible tune.

Do you know what

that tune is, Uncle Julie?

It's a nostalgic breaking of wind

after a dinner of sentimentality.

You know... I mean it's nothing.

Where's the adventure in it?

This book is about a fat mother figure

who eats her children

with her sentimental rubbish

and your tune panders to this.

The very instruments you play,

the very balance is expressed by the shape.

There's nothing to them at all.

Mr. Hooper; how would you describe

your function as Mr Shorter's

administrator?

Well, one example I can give you...

About 18 months ago Steven was

threatened with a paternity suit.

So... what did you do?

Well... I procured an abortion

and arranged for the young lady

to be paid 500.

I see. And how did you account

for this expenditure?

I put it down to petty cash.

We'll start with

the American tour, please.

Andrew Goddard Butler

director of a merchant bank

in the City of London

and chairman of Steven Shorter

Enterprises Limited.

Very well, gentlemen. We'll begin by

asking Martin to give us

the results of the American tour.

Right, gentlemen...

The tour lasted 25 days and we covered

some 64,700 miles of travel

The 25 days resulted in 64 appearances,

and 9 charity functions.

How many days off were there?

Three.

Is the boy all right?

Have I...

Have I said anything to indicate

that he isn't?

The schedule sounds a little punishing.

His schedule had the full approval

of Dr Malcolm.

Gentlemen, let's be quite clear

on one point.

Steven Shorter's personal life

is his own business.

That's as it should be.

But his well-being...

physical and mental...

is very much of concern to us all.

The last time I saw him I thought

he seemed nervous and withdrawn.

I hope there's nothing...

disturbing the boy of which

we have no knowledge.

Stay there, Steve. Just relax.

You're awfully tense today.

I don't know what's the matter

with you. Don't go away.

Give him a ball someone.

Throw him a ball, will you?

Get a few of you tossing

this ball up in the air...

Can we get a ball please?

Someone give him a ball.

Greg, will you give him

the ball please?

Very nice. That's it.

Stretch it out towards me, Steve.

Smile. Don't forget to smile.

That's very nice!

Our first problem was to naturally

get rid of 35 pounds of excess weight.

So we put him on this special

gymnasium-type gymnastic course

with a lot of choppy

and exciting exercises.

I don't know what they did

but they fixed up the problem.

I'd say it took us about anywhere

from 18 months to 2 years

to get him into his present

physical shape.

Now what about taking your jacket off?

That towelling thing you've got on.

Get a few of you in your shorts.

Come on,that's a great idea!

A few for the girls!

Do I have to?

Yes. Come on, Steve.

What's the matter with you?

You look wonderful.

Beautiful day. Come on.

Steve,just for a couple of shots.

Can you just take it off?

It won't take too long.

- I won't take long, Steve.

- Just a couple of shots, Steve.

Just a few. Come on now.

It's great. Wonderful. Good.

Now, Steve... Smile, nice smile.

You're awfully tense. Relax.

Right. Now put your chest out.

Beautiful one for the girls...

Now then, Steve, another one.

And smile...

- You got a fridge?

- No.

Better buy you one then.

Steve likes his chilled tomato juice

about 11.

The following morning Bill Franks,

personal bodyguard to Steven Shorter

and 5 ft 11 inches in uplift boots

inspects the amenities

within Vanessa Ritchie's studio.

Got hot and cold then?

Toilet upstairs I suppose?

That's a bit strong, isn't it?

Is this where it all happens, then?

Darling?

Yeah, I suppose this...

Well, this ought to do us, then,

darling.

When am I going to have

another session with Steve?

Tomorrow. Yeah,tomorrow

after the commercial.

- What commercial?

- Apple Marketing Board.

Here, have one.

Good for your sex life.

- I eat a bowl a day myself.

- Well,they don't do much for me.

That's 'cos you don't eat

the pips, isn't it?

Darling...

Isn't it?

Anyone ever told you

you're quite edible?

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