Problem Child

Nice night to be born, huh?

Apparently my birth was not

considered a blessed event.

That's me in the basket

and that's my mother carrying me.

And that's my mother... running away.

Well, this can still work out.

Look at this placel

Oh!

Madam!

Aw... aw... aw...

Who on earth would want to abandon

such a wonderful little baby boy?

# On the day I was born

# The nurses all gathered round

# They gazed in wild wonder

At the joy they had found... #

But I am not dreaming.

One thing I know, and that is that there's

no such thing in the world as a bad boy.

What does he know?

# Bad to the bone

Bad to the bone

# B-b-b-b bad

B- b-b-b bad

# B-b-b-b bad... #

What a strange-looking dogl

I'll bet he's hungry.

This looks good.

# B-b-b-b bad

B- b-b-b bad... #

Diver Dan, Diver Danl Surface, surfacel

# I wanna be yours, pretty baby

Yours and yours alone

# I'm here to tell ya, honey

I'm bad to the bone... #

These are my favourite toys.

Who am I kidding? They're my only toys.

That's my dad.

So you want to play rough, huh?

I was just kiddingl

Oh, nol Not the nuns, not the nunsl

# Bad to the bone

B- b-b-b bad

# Bad to the bone #

Geel I wonder if penguins can flyl

Help!

Help!

You see? No one really ever accepted me.

Who'd be that caring?

Who'd be that loving? Who'd be that dumb?

Listen to this.

It says here that Henry is a strong name.

He's loyal and loving.

Henry? Hank. Henri. Sounds like a loser.

No, come on, think about it.

Henry, Hank. Hank Aaron, that's a winner.

"How was school today, Hank?"

"Great, Dad!"

- Let's put a star down next to Henry.

- No, I don't like it.

What about Donald? It says

Donald is wealthy and powerful.

That's the kind of kid I want.

I'll be happy no matter how he turns out.

- He'll be our child.

- It won't hurt if he's chairman of the board.

So, when is your child due?

I'm not really pregnant yet.

We're just planning ahead.

A little wishful thinking never hurt anyone.

Here at the clinic we pride ourselves

on a 99% success rate.

- Little Henry Healy.

- Donald.

Unfortunately, there is that other 1%.

And you're it.

I'm sorry, but the test came back positive.

- Positive, that's good.

- No, positive is bad.

No, positive is good, negative is bad.

No, negative is good.

You see, you are positively infertile.

You mean we've been doing it

every night for nothing?

Let me explain.

This is your uterus.

That purple thing is your cervix.

These green things are your fallopian tubes

and this...

That's not supposed to happen.

Toss me that.

This yellow thing is your ovary.

Fits right in there like that.

Well, you know what? It doesn't matter.

You don't even have a yellow thing

and your green thing is brown.

- Doctor, are you sure there's no hope?

- None whatsoever.

But there are alternatives

to having your own child.

I tried to like it at the orphanage

but then I became interested in photography.

After that, things kind of went downhill.

Eat all of your stew, children.

A growing body needs nutrition.

And discipline.

If it's so nutritious,

how come I don't see you eating it?

- Aw, Junior!

- Junior!

I was never really sure which one I got,

nutrition or discipline.

- What do they put in this stuff?

- Junior, please don't get us in trouble again.

Who are they kidding?

Junior!

What happened to your lunch?

It was so delicious I just gobbled it all up!

I can't believe it. For once,

you behaved yourself. Thank you, Lord!

Hey, lady, hands off the merchandise!

I gotta hear out of that thing!

Ow...!

All right, mister, you know the routine.

Start mopping.

Sister, I'm all packed to go.

There's my favourite little boy.

I'm going to miss you so much.

Miss him? Where's he going?

Haven't you heard? I'm getting adopted. I got

a new mommy and daddy and they're so nice.

- Really?

- Yes.

Good little boys get good homes.

Bad little boys get something else.

Big deal. If you have to be a creep

like Freddy, I don't want a family.

...a man described as evil incarnate,

a man called "the fiend of the century".

Where are my cartoons?

They did me wrongl They had it comingl

- All 34?

- You bet they didl

This guy's pretty popular.

He's on every channel.

Since he escaped, residents of the bordering

states have been afraid to leave their home.

Beck, known infamously as the Bow Tie

Killer, was recaptured this afternoon

and is now on his way back to federal prison.

I'm not a bad guyl I'm just misunderstoodl

Nobody cares about me but mel

What a good-looking guy.

Because of this attempted prison break,

Beck would have to serve additional time.

When he is returned to the federal prison,

Beck will be placed under...

Do you see him?

There's our boy!

Oh, honey!

You guys, I'm so excited!

Have a good day, honey.

Why don't you take a look at this adoption

literature? We can talk about it tonight.

Why don't you? I don't wear second-hand

clothes and I won't have a second-hand kid.

- Adoption is out!

- OK, all right.

Fine.

Welcome to Big Ben's,

the sporting goods store that has everything.

Sporting goods

made by Americans for Americans.

My fellow Americans,

don't forget to vote for Big Ben for Mayorl

- Mister, do you work here?

- I sure do. How can I help you?

I'm looking for a canteen

with a compass on it.

I saw your commercial

and they said you have everything.

You bet we do. This is Big Ben's.

We got canteens 365 days a year.

- Which one of these can I fix you up with?

- This blue one.

- Hey, sport, where did you run off to?

- This man was helping me find my canteen.

I hope Hank wasn't bothering you. He's

excited about this camping trip we're going on.

- You two must have a lot of fun together.

- These little rascals make life worth living.

What the heck else are we here for, partner?

Let's go!

- Did you get what you wanted?

- Yeah.

- Thanks a lot, buddy.

- My pleasure.

- Little Benl

- What?

Get your little butt in here.

I got a big surprise for you.

That's right,

Big Ben's is 100 per cent American.

I'm selling the store to the Japs.

I... I...

- What? Thought I was gonna leave it to you?

- Yes.

Well, I'm not.

I'm selling to the Hirohito Corporation.

I still get the land, right, Dad?

No, you won't. No, no.

I'm selling that too.

Everything from here to the river.

What? Dad! I can't believe this.

I slaved for you for over ten years

without even a raise or a promotion.

Is there a lesson to be learned?

- A lesson?

- Don't trust anyone.

- Not even your own father?

- Especially your own father.

You're too nice.

I expected a little back-stabbing from you,

some ruthless scrambling to get to the top,

but you stubbornly refuse

to follow my example.

Today's my birthday.

Look what they gave me.

Junior!

Junior! What is taking you so long?

- We start serving dinner in 20 minutes.

- I only got two hands.

I want these pots so shiny

I can see my face in them!

This one kind of looks like you.

All right, now you're gonna pay for it.

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