Problem Child 2

Junior, this is kind of a sentimental moment.

Cold River is where I was born and raised.

Everyone I know is here.

Got fond memories of this place.

Fond memories? What are you talking about?

Everybody hated you. Your father, your wife,

those horrible neighbours...

You're right. Let's blow this joint!

Yah! Whoo-ha!

When the pressure's on and you're all alone

Take a little ride into the danger zone

When the moon is high

And the skies are clear

Just show me a sign and we'll be outta here

Take me up on a wing and a prayer...

Look.

If you need a friend, you know...

I'll be there

Hound dogs howlin' all through the night

Eight miles high and I'm doin' all right

Better move over

'Cause you're goin' too slow

I feel the need for freedom

Now it's time to go

It's a fine line between pleasure and pain

Let your conscience be your guide

Till we meet again

Your time has come

You can stand or you can run

But don't keep it all inside

'Cause you gotta understand

That there ain't no second chance

No one gets outta here alive

Only the strong survive...

We're finally here.

Take me up on a wing and a prayer

If you need someone, you know...

I'll be there

Your time has come

You can stand or you can run

But don't keep it all inside

'Cause you gotta understand

That there ain't no second chance

No one gets outta here alive

Only the strong survive...

Only the strong survive...

- Is it the one with the yellow roof?

- No.

- Is it the one with the purple flowers?

- No.

The one with the "Sold" sign in the yard?

Bingo!

Only the strong survive

Dad, come on. Let's go. Quick!

Oh, my God!

- Look at that hunk.

- Hubba hubba.

And the realtor says he's single.

Single?!

- What do you think, Junior?

- Great.

Come on! Quick, Dad!

Whoa! Totally awesome!

- Radical!

- You like it?

Wow! It's fantastic!

Wait till you see your bedroom.

Yee-ha!

- Home, sweet home!

- Yeah, that's right!

This place is gigantic.

You could play football in here.

- Hit me, I'm open.

- Here's the bomb. OK...

So here we are, starting our new life.

It's nice having a guy who loves me.

Usually, people take one look

and run screaming for the hills.

You know, I think me and Dad

are gonna do all right together.

Should I spike you?

No, it's illegal to spike kids.

Come here, buddy.

It's just you and me, Junior.

Hang on a second.

Somebody's at the door.

Hi, I wanted to welcome you

to our little neighbourhood

so I baked you a...

.. cherry pie.

That's so sweet. Look, Junior.

She baked us a cherry pie.

How thoughtful.

All right! First and ten!

Junior! What are you doing?

I want you to apologise to this kind lady.

Oh! You're even better-looking up close.

Excuse me.

What?!

- Dad, what about football?

- Thank you.

We can play later. Don't you want

to meet these wonderful ladies?

Out of the way, girls!

Oh, thank God! Another man!

Another Joe I can talk to.

I'm going crazy living here.

You know, Mortville.

The divorcee capital of the world.

Anyway, we're having a barbecue. So I

thought I'd be neighbourly and invite you over.

I'm Aron Burger, I live next door.

My name is Ben Healy

and this is my son, Junior.

Funny-looking kid.

Anyway, we'll take this with us.

Well, neighbour,

what do you think of my cooker?

- Very... large.

- You bet.

Cost me a whole month's paycheck,

but it's worth it.

You're not impressed.

I guess your wife does the cooking.

No, I'm... not married, actually.

We... broke up.

And you got the kid? Bad deal!

Did you get screwed!

This neighbourhood has a move-in fee.

You have to give each of us ten dollars.

20 bucks?! I'm not giving you diddly-squat.

Pay us or leave!

And with a 50-1 chick to stud ratio

in this town, you gotta get started.

Dad, can we go?

These people are real d*cks.

Well, excuse me, Your Highness.

I didn't realise that simple little me

and my simple little family

weren't good enough

for your high and mighty tastes.

Hey, I should go and slip on my silk tuxedo

and then we can trot out

the champagne and the escargots.

Junior. Try to be polite. We're his guests.

OK, Dad.

- I'm sorry about that.

- It's all right.

We've taken a long trip

and he's just a little tired.

My girls are the same way. Brats.

Healy, go make yourself useful.

Get some more barbecue sauce

from the little woman.

Barbecue sauce. Sure thing, neighbour.

Here's to the start of a beautiful meal.

Damn.

This one's not getting away.

Gotcha!

- My first day of school.

- I'm so proud of you.

You're such a good girl.

Junior, get out of this car.

You are going to school!

No way! I'd rather eat a turd.

Junior,

third grade is the foundation

of a great education.

If you don't go, you'll only hurt yourself.

I'll take a couple others down with me.

Junior,

I am your father and you'll do as I say!

Now, come on.

Now look what you've done.

Get over here.

Take this. Goodbye and good luck.

It's his first day, he's a little nervous.

It's him.

Yes, changing careers

was the smartest thing I ever did.

Yes, oh, yeah!

Because I love being the principal.

Because I hate children. I hate them.

Being a principal's great,

'cause I hate children.

I bark, they do what I say.

Anything. Crawl around

on all fours. They do that.

Would you mind jumping out of the window?

OK, sure.

Out they go. Anything.

Principal Peabody,

there's a new student to see you.

I'll have to call you back.

I have to deal with

one of the little weenies right now.

OK, call you back.

Send the little sweetheart in.

Hey, pea-brain. What are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

What are you doing here?

I belong here. You belong in Cold River.

This is Mortville. What are you doing here?

You're not here. That's it.

That's the only answer. You're not here.

You're not here. I'm imagining you.

You're a figment of my imagination.

If I was a figment of your imagination,

could I do this?

Oh!

Did something crawl in here and die?!

You disgusting kid!

You disgusting, flatulating kid!

Whoa! I just had a new paint job, too.

This is horrible.

- What grade are you in?

- Third.

Third. That means you're here

for another four years.

This is a mistake. This is a big mistake,

'cause you are a genius.

You are so intelligent.

Anyone who can break wind like that

has to have a mind.

So I'm gonna pass you on to the sixth grade.

In one year,

you're gonna be in another school.

My dad says third grade

is the foundation of my education.

Your dad says that. Your dad is a moron!

He's a moron!

Know what a moron is?

That's what your dad is.

Anyway, you don't belong here.

You belong in the sixth grade.

That's where you are,

because you're a genius, kid.

A genius.

Sixth grade? I Wowl

I should fart in more people's offices.

Oh, no, not another one. How many kids

are they gonna make me teach?

Get in there and find a seat. Hustle, small fry.

I'm not gonna have you

hold up my class all year. Move it.

Let's start with a nice easy review

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote