Problem Child 2 Page #2

to see how much you under-achievers

remember from last year.

Polly, what's 17 times 8?

- 136.

- Good.

Richard, what's 72 divided by negative 9?

- Negative 8, sir.

- Fine.

Murph.

Murph. What's three plus two?

Four.

You've been in the sixth grade

since I started here.

I really want to get you out this year.

Please work with me. What's three plus two?

Nine?

This is gonna be a long year.

Five, all right? The answer's five.

You!

- What are you saying?

- I said five.

I'm glad somebody's paying attention.

Polly, pass out the workbooks.

I'm gonna rummage in the storage closet,

see if I can find something for Murph.

Who let the baby into the sixth grade?

What's in your bag?

- Your diapers?

- No, my lunch, pin-head.

Little kid doesn't know who he's talking to.

I'm senior student in this school.

No sh*t, you've been here since 1970.

Oh, you're gonna hurt!

This is your last day of school. Ever.

Maybe Dad's right. Maybe Mortville

is gonna be a great place to live.

Good morning, Miss Dumore.

They missed a payment?

Toss 'em in the street.

But, ma'am, that's a nursing home.

They're invalids.

Oh, boo-hoo-hoo.

Are we all set for that charity ball?

Your tickets are confirmed, but Sergio

says he needs money for a new tux.

More money?

I gave him two grand yesterday.

These damned gigolos.

Every man in Mortville

wants to bleed me dry.

Why can't I just find a good, decent man?

One with integrity, one with compassion,

one with...

Oh, my God! Who's that beefcake?

I'm Ben Healy, we spoke on the phone.

I don't know. I suppose

he's a customer at the bank.

Out of my way, fat boy.

That's why I wanna start my own business.

I wanna create something out of nothing.

I don't just wanna take. I wanna give.

I wanna put something

back into the community.

He's incredible. And he's just my type.

Smith, I want you to find out

everything about this guy.

Because I think I've found myself

hubby number seven!

Hi.

- Hey, Junior!

- Hey, Dad!

So, tell me, how was your first day at school?

Pretty good, they skipped me three grades.

They skipped you?

That's fantastic! I can't believe it!

I told you you'd hit if off here.

So, tell me. Did you make any new friends?

Well, how would you define

the word "friend"?

- Aah!

- Uh!

Ow.

Who are you?

I'm Annie Young. I'm the nurse

here at Mortville Elementary.

The children are very lucky.

- I'm sorry. Let me...

- It's OK.

Oh, God. Excuse me. Here, I'll get...

If you two are done fooling around,

maybe we can go home?

Yeah...

Give me a few minutes, Junior.

I think the swelling's coming back.

I'll put a warm compress on that.

You're such a good little soldier.

"Give me a few minutes, Junior. "

"Give me a few minutes, Junior. "

I've been here for an hour!

Who does that nurse think she is?

Mm...

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Oh, it's you. Buzz off.

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

If I were you, I wouldn't do a lot of things.

Like go out in public.

Next time, you'll listen to me.

Oh, my God, he's an Adonis!

Look at these stats!

Six feet tall.

185 pounds.

In-seam, 35 inches.

Sweet Jesus, take me home!

What's this thing?

His son.

"Boy and convicted killer go on joyride"?

"Little league team hospitalised"?

"Union Carbide plant explodes"?

This kid's a nightmare.

Do you want to forget the whole thing?

Smith...

When someone has a bum leg,

you don't shoot the patient.

You just cut off the leg.

That's why you want a franchise. Big Ben is

the fastest-growing sports equipment empire.

Hey, it's Big Ben.

Pick up that phone and call now.

For just $399,

you can get one of my starter kits.

Then you'll be on your way to having it all,

just like me, Big Ben Healy.

What's this?

Look at this. What sort of idiot

would send Grandpa money?

That's my namel

- The old man's finally lost his mind.

- Uh-huh.

- Come downstairs. I got a surprise for you.

- All right! A surprise?

- Where is it?

- Down the steps.

Now, where is that surprise?

- Surprise!

- Hi, Junior!

I'm Rhoda, your babysitter.

We're gonna be good friends.

Dad, let's slow this down a minute.

Now, what is going on here?

This is Rhoda, your babysitter.

You're gonna be good friends.

Yeah, I heard that part. But why?

Yoo-hoo!

Because I'm going out on a date.

Hi, Ben. I'm all ready.

Great. Junior, you remember

Debbie Claukinski?

How can I forget? Her pie gave us the runs.

That's not true.

He's thinking about someone else's pie.

Anyway, we don't want to be late.

I got reservations at the Saint Pierre Club.

Oh, I'm so excited! My ex-husband

never took me to fancy places.

Not that I'm a gal who rattles on about her

last marriage. That guy is insanely jealous.

Dad, stay here and have fun with me.

Junior, you're gonna have fun with Rhoda.

I'm sure you can think of a lot of fun games

to play with her, OK? I'll talk to you later.

Welcome to the wonderful world of pigs.

Dirty, hungry and always horny,

they're Mother Nature's

clowns of the farm world.

Watching these charming critters

roll in the mud,

it's hard to believe they have an intelligence

as high as some humans.

But it's true.

Goodnight, Dad.

Hey, brat. Put that back. I'm watching.

This babysitter sucks.

I gotta get Dad back on track here.

I wonder whatever happened

to Mr Claukinski?

Hello?

Are you the guy that was married

to Debbie Claukinski?

Yeah, but then she left me.

She took my house, my money and my pride.

Well, I thought you'd like to know

that she found herself a new guy

and they're out at the Saint Pierre Club,

having fun at your expense.

Who is this?

Just call me a friend.

Ben, this evening is perfect.

I know why the Mortville Gazette gave

this restaurant three and a half forks.

- Excuse me, we have a dress code.

- Let me in, you fool.

To us.

Tonight.

Ah-ha!

Debbie, you tramp! What are you doing here?

I'm a free woman. I can do what I want.

I show you.

Debbie, you leave with me.

Come, we take the bus home.

Like hell I will. I'm on a date.

You home-breaker!

Oh, my kidney!

You bully!

Ben, shame on you!

Laser cannon locked on.

Fire laser cannon.

Finally, Dad's home.

- I thought you'd never get here.

- Who's that weirdo?

- Gee, baby, you work fast.

- I got Russian hands and Roman fingers.

Now where's that master bedroom?

Here it is, darlin'!

- This ain't no motel.

- Mind your own beeswax, twerp. Go watch TV.

Yeah, what she said.

Voytek, you were always the best.

Yeah.

So much for my first date.

Now what?

All right!

Yeah... go!

Yes! That's great!

Look at that.

I didn't think people could do that.

She ain't no real blonde.

Come on!

Keep it up, my God!

- He's still going!

- Unbelievable.

Yeah, go for it!

Healy, that's hot stuff.

Junior, we're new here in this community.

Can't we at least attempt to fit in?

Why are you getting angry at me?

I didn't do it, I watched it.

Yes, and so did the entire neighbourhood.

I didn't hear any complaints.

Great. The evening that wouldn't die.

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