Pump Up the Volume Page #2

you're gonna outsmart yourself,

young man.

I love it when you

call me "young man."

You know, when I was your age...

I was on all the teams

and a bunch of clubs.

Look, all I'm saying is...

that school must have some

really terrific programs.

It's very highly rated.

Just save it for the masses, OK?

Mark, they've got twelve hundred

students at that school.

Certainly,

some of them got to be cool.

Look, the deal is,

I get decent grades...

you guys leave me alone, right?

OK, who is this guy?

I don't know.

Nobody knows who he is, but he

really hates this school...

so I guess he goes here.

Yeah, but all the guys

that go here are geeks.

Maybe not, my dear.

Later.

Later.

"And so then

the Logicars questioned...

"the few remaining Despars

more and more.

"They began to fade away...

"until there was nothing

left of them...

"and they disappeared

from the face of the Earth."

Pretty good, huh?

Leading with your heart,

not your mind.

Mark, I wondered

if you'd tell us...

what you were thinking

about when you wrote this.

I just wrote it late last night.

That's obvious.

It's practically illegible.

I was hoping that you'd share

your feelings about it.

Saved by the bell.

Don't think if I didn't

read your composition...

it won't be read.

They're looking for new writers

at the Clarion.

Don't be embarrassed

of your talent.

- Hey, Paige.

- Hiya, Paige.

Hey, I finally got my new Miata.

You should hear the cd player.

It's unbelievable.

Tennis team's throwing

a party tonight.

Later, Paige.

See you there.

See ya.

Hey, that's my box.

How's about asking, huh?

Good morning, Mr. Murdock.

Good morning, sir.

I'm not stupid, you know.

School is judged

on one category only.

Academic schools.

The lesson

of modern education is...

nothing good comes easily--

no pain, no gain.

Excuse me, everyone.

Miss Creswood,

you want to listen to this?

It's the third tape this week.

I can't believe it.

Oh, Nellie!

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna explode.

Oh, take cover, Arizona!

Here I come!

Jan, this is no laughing matter.

Enjoy.

You're in my writing class,

right?

Right.

Yeah, I like Emerson.

She's pretty funky.

Now you're in trouble.

You owe twenty-five cents.

"How to Talk Dirty

and lnfluence People"...

by Lenny Bruce.

Who's he?

Any good?

He's all right.

Talk a lot?

Not too much, no.

Cute, but no way.

Guess who?

It's 10:
00. Do you care

where your parents are?

Because after all,

it is a jungle out there.

I don't know.

I mean, everywhere I look...

it seems like someone's getting

butt-surfed by the system.

My parents are always

talking about the system...

and the Sixties

and how cool it was.

Well, look at where

the Sixties got them, huh?

Come on, people, now

Smile on your brother

Everybody get together

Try to love one another

right now

Tune in, turn it up!

Now that was the Sixties.

This is a song

for the Nineties...

from my buddies The Descendants!

Welcome to Der Wienerschnitzel.

may I take your order, please?

Yeah. I want...

Want whale sperm with that?

Why don't we listen

to that one again, huh?

Welcome to Der Wienerschnitzel.

May I take your order, please?

Yeah. I want...

You want whale sperm with that?

I hate the Sixties,

I hate school...

I hate principals.

I hate vice principals...

but my true, pure,

refined hatred...

is reserved

for guidance counselors.

Happy Harry just happens

to have in his very hands...

a copy of a memo written

by one Mr. David Deaver...

guidance counselor

extraordinaire...

to one Miss Loretta Creswood,

high school principal.

"I find Cheryl unremorseful...

"about her unfortunate

condition."

Bastard can't even say

she's knocked up.

What channel?

"And she's unwilling

to minimize its effect...

"on the morale

of the student population."

Guidance counselors.

lf they knew anything

about career moves...

would they have ended up

as guidance counselors?

What do you say

we call Deaver up, huh?

Hard Harry

just happens to have...

the home phone numbers

of every employee...

of the Paradise Hills

school commission.

Here we go.

There you are, Mr. Deavski.

Deaver residence.

David Deaver speaking.

Hey, this is WKPS.

You're live.

We're doing a piece

on high schools.

We understand that you're

a guidance counselor.

I'm head of guidance...

here at Hubert Humphrey High

in Paradise Hills, Arizona.

l've been here seven years.

Could you tell us a bit

about what you do?

I run a comprehensive

American values program.

ln which we discuss...

ethical situations...

sex education,

drug awareness...

What do you say to young people

who look around at the world...

and see that it's become,

you know, like, a...

a sleazy country, you know?

A place you just can't trust.

Like your school, for example.

How come it wins

all of these awards...

and yet students

are dropping out like flies?

Why is that?

Now, my listeners are curious

about your participation...

in the decision

to expel Cheryl Biggs.

l-- l...

I'm not aware

of anything like that.

I don't know

what you're talking about.

Well, that's not true, sir.

"Cheryl refuses to

accept suggestions...

"of a more positive

mental attitude...

"towards her health

and her future.

"I find no alternative

but to suggest suspension."

Who is this?

How did you get this number?

Do you admit it, sir?

Admit what?

That you're slime.

Now, wait just a minute.

You interview a student,

and then you rat on her.

You betrayed her trust.

lsn't that right, sir?

Well, as you can see,

these guys are played out.

Society is mutating

so rapidly...

that anyone over the age

of twenty really has no idea.

All right.

Back down to business.

"I share a room

with my older brother.

"Nearly every night

after he turns off his light...

"he comes over to my bed...

"and gives me

a few arm noogies and stuff.

"And then he makes me

scratch his back...

"and other refinements."

Well, it's about time we had

some refinements on this show.

"Then sooner or later,

he gets worked up...

"and without further ado...

"he rubs his thing

and makes me watch."

Signed yourself "Screwed Up."

Well, first of all,

you're not screwed up.

You're an unscrewed-up reaction

to a screwed-up situation.

Feeling screwed up

in a screwed-up place...

in a screwed-up time does not

mean that you are screwed up.

lf you catch my drift.

Now, as you know,

dear listeners...

if you enclose your number...

a reply is guaranteed.

This is Happy Harry Hard-on.

You're live.

Is this Miss Screwed Up?

I have a couple of questions.

How big is this thing

you described?

Is it bigger than a baby's arm?

You don't remember

or you don't want to tell me?

Or maybe you made

this whole thing up, huh?

Remember, my dear...

I can smell a lie

like a fart in a car.

it's too bad

about that one, actually.

You see, to me...

the real truth

is always a bigger turn-on...

and it doesn't have

to be a big deal.

lt could be anything.

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