Quarter Bin

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1

(alarm clock beeps)

(sighs)

(alarm clock beeps)

I'm tellin' ya, she

was checkin' me out.

[Woman] I don't

know where you get

your delusions, laser brain.

It's not a

delusion, it's a fact.

She was checking out

the latest issue of Conan.

Oh, and you're tellin'

me she wasn't looking

right in the general

direction of my butt?

Dude, you were kneeling

right next to the comic.

Okay, maybe she was

looking for Conan,

but she changed her mind

when she saw an

actual male nearby.

Dude, you're a

great guy, but...

No.

No, no, no.

What?

That whole you're a

great guy but thing,

nothing good ever comes

after those words.

[Woman] Look, what I

was trying to say was...

Like, you're a great guy,

but I like my guys taller.

You're a great guy,

but I think we should

just be friends.

You're a great guy,

but I don't like you looking

through my window at night.

Okay.

Hey, there's Kevin.

The one person we know with

a genuinely happy love life

that's even remotely

reality-based.

(Kevin moans)

Apparently if your reality

is a Tim Burton film.

Life is just a simmering

cauldron of misery,

stirred by heartache,

fueled by pain.

Ah, don't hold it in, dude.

Tell us how you really feel.

What's wrong?

Lemme ask you guys this.

What is the worst possible thing

that somebody can find

out about their girlfriend

that can ruin any hopes

and dreams of the future

and leave their lives

in a smoldering heap?

She was your

secret twin sister

who was separated

from you at birth

when you were both

put into foster care

to hide you from your

evil overlord father.

Remember how

yesterday me and Ashley

went to my cousin's wedding?

Well I ran into my

Great-Aunt Irene.

Turns out to be Ashley's

Great-Aunt Irene also.

- You don't mean?

- Yeah.

We're second cousins.

I had no idea,

Ashley had no idea.

And to think, I was gonna

ask her to marry me.

So what, does that

make, like, holidays

difficult or something?

Really?

Dude, we can't get married

if we're related like that.

Our kids will end up

havin' 11 fingers,

two heads,

or even become a sports fan.

We broke up last night.

Shades of Luke and Leia.

Dude, that sucks.

This is like

when they found out

that Boomer was a bad guy

in Battlestar Galactica.

Well it's not like she

tried to shoot me or anything.

Okay, bad analogy.

Well, hey, listen,

uh, we're goin'

to Spenser's later tonight.

Why don't you come with?

Spenser's, really?

Nobody ever goes to his parties.

Well yeah, but

he's got all those

great Silver Age

comics we can read.

And all the great Silver

Age toys we can play with.

[Kevin] You guys are the best.

We're like you're

Grey Council,

the ruling body of the Minbari.

Just 'cause he has

hair like a Centauri

doesn't mean you can make

a Babylon 5 reference.

I mean, we're more like his

Rebel Alliance or Jedi Order.

Or we could be crew

mates on his ship.

Yeah, leave it to a Trekkie

to make a nautical reference.

You know I'm not

really a Trekkie.

I'm a Brown Coat.

Man, what are you

even doing here anyway?

Shouldn't you be at work?

I'm letting Todd

run things today.

What?

You put Todd in

charge of the store?

Jackpot, here I come, payday.

Here I come.

Hey, uh, can I help

you with something?

I got some comics for sale.

Oh, okay, yeah, happy to help.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Lemme do that.

- Ah, hey, buddy,

I'm a professional at this.

You can be a professional

at handling comics?

Yeah, seriously.

It's a niche field

in Museum Studies.

Actually, a very niche field.

I got my certificate from the

Art Institute of Pittsburgh.

It's in the back if

you wanna see it.

I can go get it if you want.

Okay, I'll trust you.

- Good.

- Good.

- Remember, these are my babies.

- Got ya.

All right.

Your babies, I'll be careful.

- All right?

- Feast your eyes.

See what kind of treasure

you got for me here.

Okay, Death of Superman?

Yeah, mint

condition, number 75.

(chuckles) Okay.

Uh, Death of Superman.

Death of, looks like all

these are Death of Superman.

Well yeah, 50 of 'em!

Camero, here I come.

(chuckles) Slow down

a little bit, buddy.

Um, you wouldn't happen

to have any Beanie Babies

or vacuum-sealed

Cabbage Patch dolls

to help sweeten

the deal, would ya?

You know what, I might!

- Would that really help?

- No, no, no.

'Cause you know my sister

used to collect 'em...

- I was just, just kidding.

- She even had the heads.

Just kidding, back in 1991,

way too many people

horded those things,

way too much supply,

not enough demand.

Well, no, no, no,

no, this is Superman!

Not, not Bird-Man

or Aquaman, Super...

Okay, Superman couldn't even

defeat his greatest enemy.

All right?

I'll give you 20 bucks

for the whole box.

That's the best

you're gonna get.

[Superman Fan] No, no.

No.

What a crock.

- You know what?

- What?

You run a real

cutthroat operation here.

Yeah, I guess.

[Superman Fan] Hey!

What?

What if I could get

you a girl to kiss?

(laughing)

Yeah?

- Yeah, little sweeten the deal?

- Nah, not so much.

Uh, you're barkin' up

the wrong tree, buddy.

Sorry.

Fine.

I'm gonna take these to

Mage's on the West Side.

- Not our mortal enemy?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Oh no, please don't!

- Yeah.

Please don't, I tell ya what,

I'll give you 21.09 for those.

Just for that, I'm

takin' my Star Wars

Episode One, Two, and

Three action figures

- and sellin' 'em there.

- No, please don't!

50 cents a piece.

When I get my Camero,

it's gonna look

like the Batmobile.

Yeah, okay, keep dreamin'.

Yeah, a clickety-clunk Camero

from a buy-here-pay-here

lot maybe.

You know what?

Screw you!

Oh whatever, douche bag.

Have fun at Mage's.

God, what a douche bag.

No wonder I sleep on the job.

(sighs)

I hear ya comin'

But you won't find a way

Hey, Spence, great party.

More than five people

actually showed up.

But you're so damned loud

Hey, guys.

I just don't believe it.

Well this is

sounding familiar.

What's up?

One day, one gorm day

since me and Ashley broke up,

and is she mourning like I am?

Hell no.

She's goin' out on dates.

Well, some people

are different.

Some people like to get

right back up on the horse.

Not only that, she

decides to go out on a date

with that Neanderthal

Chuck Hanaley.

Chuck Hanley.

Isn't he that guy that works

over at Ted's Sporting Goods?

One and the same.

How does she go from a

well-mannered individual,

intelligent,

to somebody that

has to be reminded

to breathe through their nose?

Swear, if he got fresh

with her last night,

I'm gonna walk into that...

All right, hold

on, Captain Reynolds.

Put your brown coat away,

and let's think here.

If we go into Ted's

Sporting Goods half-cocked,

somebody's gonna get hurt,

and it's probably gonna be me.

And I'm not gonna be

Wash this time, damn it.

We have to plan our

moves carefully.

What do you suggest?

We could go over to her work

and ask if Chuck's been

skulking around at all.

Or you could talk to Ashley.

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