Quartet Page #5

Oh, for God's sake, you cretins.

I'll find it eventually.

Go and find Wilf. Go on.

Now, where was I?

Who?

Wilf!

Tit-Willow

The reason I've asked you here

is because I've had a brilliant idea.

Excuse me while I shut

out Tit-Willow, Cedric.

'Cee-dric'. A brilliant idea.

Terrific. I can explain to you now.

I'm sorry,

I missed that last bit, Cedric.

- 'Cee-dric'.

- Oh, Cee-dric. Of course, of course.

Now that Jean is here

and the four of you are together again,

I put it to you

that you should perform at the gala

the quartet from Rigoletto.

That's amazing!

I've... I've just been listening to us.

- The Rigoletto.

- Think of the publicity!

The Times, The Telegraph,

Opera Magazine.

We have four of the finest singers

in English operatic history.

We already know the bloody thing.

We'd hardly have to rehearse.

- But Jean won't sing it.

- Put your hand up.

- Put your hand up?

- Oh, but you must change her mind.

She's a huge draw.

Don't you put your

hand up for anyone.

It would be as if Maria Callas

were making a comeback.

I don't think I want to

sing with Jean again.

Why not?

They were married once,

but it didn't work out.

Cissy, please. I don't want to.

It wouldn't be right.

Well, it's a shame.

I can't count the number of galas

you have graced over the years

with your incomparable voice,

and I mean that sincerely.

I don't think you realise it, Reggie,

but people still talk about

your Celeste Aida four years ago

and your Ave Maria two years ago.

For what it's worth,

when I heard you sing Nessun Dorma

at the gala last year,

all I thought was,

'Eat your heart out, Pavarotti. '

Reggie, I know you

don't think much of me,

but with this one concert, we could get

enough money to keep this place going

for the rest of the year.

- Or possibly even the next.

- It's true.

You could help save Beecham House,

Reginald.

But I have an important meeting now.

Do excuse me.

# Tit-willow... #

- Oh, shut up! For... sakes, shut up!

And you could persuade

Jean to sing.

It's only one gala, Reggie.

Why don't the three of us

ask her out to dinner'?

- Well done, Reggie.

- Oh, Reggie!

- Thank you.

- Excellent.

No, I'll, uh... I'll write

her a little note, Cissy,

and perhaps you will be

good enough to deliver it.

Yes.

Sorry.

- Just two favours.

- Exactly what do you propose?

The Swan restaurant. Just

the four of us, Cissy, Reggie and me.

If we could convince Jean

to sing at the gala,

we're talking serious money here.

I mean, even Cedric reckons

we could charge Covent Garden prices.

In by 10:
30. No later.

- 12:
30.

- No.

- You sure?

- Yes.

What kind of cigarettes

is it you smoke again?

- 12:
30. No later.

- Done, Lucy.

- Please call me Dr Cogan.

- Done, Dr Cogan.

Why is it, Wilfred, I always get the

impression you're up to no good?

Because I'm normally up to no good.

And please, call me Wilf.

We've done this, remember?

You don't have a buttonhole.

Why do you persist

in flirting with me, Wilf?

Because you're a cracker,

a thing of beauty.

You're not a bimbo or a chick

or any of those awful things.

You're one of that rarest of species,

you're a woman, Lucy Cogan.

Well, I'm flattered, but I have

professional ethics to uphold.

Ah, throw caution to the wind.

What if we were

to make beautiful music together?

Your husband would never know.

That's reassuring, Wilf.

- Think about it, huh?

- No, Wilf.

- No-one would ever know.

- I will know, Wilf.

Older man. Vintage wine.

Seasoned wood.

- Did you say wood?

- Seasoned.

Bella Figlia dell'Amore

Remember,

wait until she's totally legless

before we hit her with it.

Yes. Don't speak till she's legless.

- She's coming.

- Legless.

- I should never have agreed to this.

- Here she comes.

She looks fairly alright-ish.

You look lovely, Jean.

Oh. Thank you.

You give a whole new meaning

to the word 'chic'.

- It's so very, very kind of you.

- It's the least we can do.

- May I, Jean?

- Thank you.

For you, Jean, a little toast,

from all of us to make

you feel welcome.

Oh-oh, now, don't forget you've got

to make eye contact or it's bad luck.

I never heard of anything like that

in my life.

- It's the truth.

- Nonsense.

Jean, do you ever

listen to your old recordings?

- Oh, no. No.

- I do.

I listen to us a lot.

As a matter of fact,

Reggie was meant to be

singing La Donna e Mobile

at the gala concert.

- But even more exciting, guess what?

- Shh, shh, shh.

What?

La donna mobile.

Qual piuma al vento.

Women are as fickle

as a feather in the wind.

Oh, I fell in love with you

when I first heard you sing that.

Yeah, that's why I

never sang it again.

I took twelve curtain calls.

No. No, you took nine. I took twelve.

- Stop.

- If you say so.

You know, the other night

I was at the Garden,

I was Sir George's guest,

and I received a standing ovation.

Oh, how lovely!

You're doing it again, Jean.

- Doing what?

- Repeating yourself.

Oh, what's it matter.

In opera we repeat ourselves

all the time, all the time, all the...

In opera we repeat ourselves

all the time,

- ... repeat ourselves over and over...

- Repetito...

I think you two are drunk.

I think I possibly am,

although I find it very difficult

to tell the difference at this age.

- You always drink.

- Let's have a toast to our quartet.

- To the quartet.

- What quartet?

Cedric wants us all

to sing in the gala concert.

What, us to sing?

He wants us to sing...

The quartet from Rigoletto.

It's such an honour.

It's a great honour, Jean.

- Great honour.

- Very great honour.

The quartet?

Is that why you're...?

I don't want any of this, please.

Please.

Is that why you asked

me for this dinner?

No. We asked you because...

- Well...

- Why?

- Because we love you.

- Aye. Yeah.

Well, I'm not singing in any quartet.

I think you really are despicable.

Phew!

Did she say yes?

No.

Caro Nome

# Festi primo palpitar

# Le delizie dell'amor

# Mi di sempre rammentar

# Col pensier il mio desir

# Ate sempre voler

# E fin I'ultimo sospir

# Caro nome, tuo sar. #

Excuse me.

Let me ask you something.

When did you last sing?

This morning in the shower?

Has anybody heard you recently?

Any idea of the noise you make?

I mean, what were you thinking of?

Why did you ask me out to dinner?

Why didn't you just say you want us,

average age, what, 1998

to sing the quartet from Rigoletto?

'It's an honour. '

It's not an honour.

It's insanity.

Is this your idea of revenge?

I'm going to say something

very rude to you.

F*** you.

And you.

Can't believe it.

Can you believe that b*tch?

Oh, my God. It's Olly!

Dwayne. Olly's been taken ill.

I'm going to explain to everybody...

Morning.

Ladies and gentlemen,

can I have your attention, please?

Sorry to interrupt your breakfast.

Er... it seems

that Olly Fisher is unwell.

It's his recurring condition,

but he is in the safest hands.

I want to reassure you

he's on his way to hospital

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