Qwerty

[SILENCE]

[HORSE WHINNYING]

[BRIGHT SYNTH MUSIC #]

- Hi.

- Hi.

You looking for

a little Scrabble action?

- You a player?

- A little.

We use Scrabble clocks.

Once you've placed all

the letters, you hit the timer.

You have 25 minutes.

If you go over, there's

a 10 point penalty.

- Per minute.

- We use American English only.

If it's not in this book,

it's not a word.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS #]

[ALL] Wow!

[PENSIVE MUSIC #]

[KEYS CLATTERING]

Tohzah.

T-O-H-Z-A-H.

Tohzah. Tohzah.

T-O-H...

I'm gonna get you, Tohzah.

Not anything backwards.

Not Hebrew.

What is Tohzah?

Not Arabic.

You are an enigma!

[GRUNTING]

Are you a tit-man?

Klingon!

This guy in Skokie tried getting

a plate with the F-word

written in Klingon.

[ALARM BUZZING]

[ALARM STOPS]

[MELANCHOLY PIANO MUSIC #]

[SIGHS]

[PHONE RINGING]

Hi Katie. It's me.

You coming to my dad's birthday?

Yeah. That's coming up.

It's five weeks away, Zoe.

If you're coming,

you need to RSVP

and make definitive

plans to be there.

Yeah. Wow.

So, what're you gonna get him?

Something nice

that he will cherish.

Anyway, how are the kids?

Look. I... I need to go.

I'm really busy today.

Okay. Well, say 'hi'

to the kids for-

me.

[PA ANNOUNCER]

Your safety is important.

If you observe

unattended packages,

vandalism,

or suspicious activity,

inform C.T.A...

[SAD PIANO MUSIC #]

Jesus came to me again, Marty.

Marty!

Jesus came to me again.

Really, Lewis? Wow.

This time he came in the form

of a giant rooster.

Rooster, huh?

I asked him why it is

he put us on this Earth.

Good question, Lewis!

You know what he said?

Well, you know what he said?

The Jesus-rooster? No clue.

He said he couldn't remember.

He said I should

ask him again later.

Ask again later? What?

Jesus is a magic 8-ball now?

That sucks.

Well, he's been through a lot.

Hey! Hey you!

Did you know

Jesus is a magic 8-ball?

Hey!

- Hey, Mart.

- Hey, Bear.

You brought your lunch.

That's smart, man.

I never bring my lunch.

And I get all hungry

and I gotta spend

$2.50 at the vending machine

for Frito-Lay's.

That's why I'm fat.

Frito-Lay's, man. Whatchoo got?

Sandwich.

What're you both doing here?

You're not both

supposed to be here.

Whose shift is it?

Marty, you're not supposed

to be here.

I got you down for tomorrow.

- Day shift. 9 a.m.

- Seriously?

- Yeah. It's on the calendar!

- During the day?

- Yeah.

- With people?

- Hey! You wanna switch?

- What's the problem?

Come on, man.

That's why I make this schedule.

For you to look at,

not for my health.

[VAPID ELEVATOR MUSIC #]

We are live at the N.S.C.

The Nation Scrabble

Championship.

And man, things were

heating up inside there!

Letters were flying

left and right.

Dirk Frankie, you cannot catch a

break. Three-time runner up.

[LAUGHS] My bad. How does it

feel to always be

the bridesmaid

yet, never the bride?

Oh. Cut the witticisms.

That is luck that Williams won.

He's dancing around the two

letter words like it's...

December.

And then he just happens

to luck out

on saving his Z to the very end.

That's just... That's ridiculous,

okay? I got two bingos!

Yes. Can't let those be

forgotten. Alright, Dirk.

Are you gonna be giving it

another go?

Or has Vanna

turned your last letter?

I will spell to the death!

Oo! We've got Bill Williams,

this year's winner.

Uh... Best luck to you

next time, Dirk.

Bill! Bill! Could you come on

over here. Congratulations!

Bill, gotta a couple of questions

for you. Wanna find out first,

how did you manage to

pull it off?

I don't know.

I honestly didn't think

I'd make it out of

the quarter-finals.

I was playing a master.

I think the stress got to him.

He played "Kim Jong-Il." That's

clearly a Star Wars character.

You can't do proper nouns.

And I squeaked out.

Uh, made it to the next round,

- and the streak kept going.

- What?

We've got a lot of folks who

are watching at home.

You need arms.

Possibly some kids who are

thinking about

giving Scrabble

tournament play a try.

Any advice for the youngsters?

Yeah, I guess I would say... Um

Go for it! Follow your dreams.

You know. There-there's a lot

to be learned

from the Scrabble board.

Uh, character.

You know. Courage.

Stuff like that

and uh... and so...

Just, you know, do it.

And, and um...

regardless of what your

friends call you.

# I'm so confused with my life

# Things are so strange, the way

things are so weird and strange. #

# It's my life...

# but I don't understand, why oh

why oh-oh-oh why #

# I don't feel normal

# You don't understand how

it feels when I'm sad #

# I don't feel normal

# But what is normal, right?

# I hope someday,

I can be normal. #

# I hope someday, I can be...

#...normal

Rookie mistake, Ethel.

This is why I beat you

week after week... after week.

My name's Nancy

Not today, it's not. Today,

your name is...

Loser.

- [HONK]

- Ew.

Excuse me?

You didn't even do it right.

Backwards! You did it backwards.

I'm leaving. Okay, Ethel?

Don't be late next week.

- Are you waiting for a game?

- No, thank you.

[SAXOPHONE ELEVATOR MUSIC #]

[SIGHS]

Marty, you're filling in for

Dean today.

Menswear, second floor.

Did you wash your hair

this morning?

Wear this. You look like sh*t.

Excuse me. Could you tell me

where I could find

lady's foundations?

[EXASPERATED SIGH]

Excuse me. If you were my dad,

well, my step-dad,

what would you like?

The flask or the belt?

His 60th birthday, so

I guess it's kind of a biggie.

Um...

Oh, never mind. You're not

an a**hole. How would you know?

- Have you tried Fetish for Men?

- No, thank you.

- It's scent-sational!

- I'm allergic to perfume!

- Oh no. It's cologne.

[CONTINUOUS SNEEZING]

Hey! What? Are you just

gonna stand there?

That's great, buddy.

Lot of help.

[LAUGHTER]

- Maybe it's a sock.

- I'm hoping it's not. [LAUGHTER]

- I think he had a bikini wax.

- Y-you you gotta be kidding.

We think it's a sock.

Fifty-five dollars!

How can this be happening?!

- Fifty-five dollars

for underwear?

- Sure.

- It's designer.

- No, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no.

This! This! Definitely that...

is insanity people!

What? You! What're you doing?

- Um, buying underwear.

- No

- You don't want this.

- Yes, I do!

No, no, no, no, no.

Why do you want them?

- I-I like the ad!

[LAUGHTER]

The ad is designed to trick you

into paying 55 goddamn

dollars for underwear!

Please, give me my underwear.

No! You can't have that lying,

cheating, thieving underwear!

What're you...

What're you doing, man?

You're better

than the underwear.

You deserve more!

You're better

than your underwear.

Do you hear me?

Come on! Everyone!

Say it with me! You're better

than your underwear.

Come on!

Say it with me!

Come on! You're better

than your underwear! Come on!

Everybody!

You're better than

your underwear!

You're better than your

underwear! Come on!

I'm better than my underwear.

Yes! Yes! You, sneezing lady!

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