Qwerty Page #2

Definitely better than your

underwear. Wait!

Wait a minute! Goddammit,

I work here!

Where's the sneezing woman?

Come on guys! Come on.

This is ridiculous!

Come on! I work here nights!

Causing a scene like that

in front of paying customers!

Freedom of speech, man.

Who's in charge here?

Uh, is there something I can

help you with, miss?

- I demand you release this man!

- [BOTH]:
Excuse me?

I'm a paying customer. I bought

all kinds of crap here today...

- and this man...

- I saved her life.

- Mm-hmm. When I... when I was...

- Having trouble breathing!

- B-because of all the... cologne!

- Perfume!

- Evil perfume b*tch!

- She sprayed me.

Right in her face!

- And I'm allergic

and I kept sneezing.

- Cologne and perfume

are the same thing!

- It was horrible!

- She could sue.

But this man, he was the

only one to help me.

- Miss, he tried to cause a riot

in men's underwear.

I should have him arrested.

- What!?

- $55 for underwear?

- No ass is worth that much!

- I agree.

- Go away, you're fired.

- Fired?

Fired. Now leave. Both of you.

I don't want either one of you

in my store again.

Oh. And, Marty.

[UPBEAT SYNTH MUSIC #]

- I don't normally do this.

- What're you gonna do?

- No, I mean I don't normally do

what I did back there.

I'm not about to do anything.

Oh.

Well, this is my stop.

This is where I... take the bus.

Okay. Okay.

Thanks again.

Sure. Yeah.

See you around.

Okay.

- Hey, you hungry?

- Yes!

- 'Cause I could eat.

- Sounds great.

I'm Zoe Rezillo.

I'm Marty Huckhound.

Nice to meet you,

Marty Huckhound.

So, if I wanted a plate that

said, "Screw you,"

you wouldn't let me?

No, too offensive.

Plus too many letters.

I don't have a car anyways.

People try stuff

all the time and

the computer spits out

the obvious stuff,

but it's up to me

to catch the rest.

- Did you go to

college for that?

No, I was standing in line

once at the DMV

and this guy in front of me

was trying to get a dirty plate.

So, you um, ratted some guy out?

No. His plate said 4-K-U.

You know, fork you...

and I was complementing him and

then the supervisor came over

and handed me the job

on the spot.

Wow. That's impressive.

People used to make fun of me

for playing Scrabble

all the time.

What's the dirtiest,

filthiest thing

anybody has ever

wanted on a plate?

I have to write it out for you.

- Okay.

- Okay.

I don't get it.

Okay. Get rid of the space.

And then picture

how the 5's can look like S's.

Oh. Ass-orgy. That is filthy.

Oh. You wanna see

something cool?

Is it cooler than ass-orgy?

[LAUGHING]

I'll show you what

your name spells.

Okay. That's Marty Huckhound.

Dormant. Yuck. Huh.

Dormant yuck?

Okay. Wait. Hang on.

A mucky hord hunt.

A mucky thud horn.

Okay. Wait. No. Don't go away.

Got it.

Had mucky no hurt.

What the hell is that

supposed to mean?

I don't know, but Mucky is my

new name for you.

You're real smart, huh?

Only with words and letters

and stuff.

Nothing terribly useful.

No. I'm useless.

I can only curse

in one goddamn language.

But you do it so well.

Wow. This is kind of dangerous.

I love it here.

Especially in the winter when

it's covered in ice

and the

water is practically black.

It's dark and eerie,

but in a really beautiful way.

You know, if you slip and fall,

even in March,

you're pretty much dead.

And anyone who jumps in after

you, they'll die too.

Every now and then though,

you hear these stories

about kids

who fall in for like

twenty minutes...

...and they end up living,

because their body temperature's

have lowered so much...

they're in like a zen

state or something.

Does that work on adults, too?

I don't think so.

I think they know too much.

I remember the first time I came

here when I was a teenager.

I totally wanted to jump.

Yeah, I know that feeling.

Well, here's my car.

You don't have a

personalized plate.

Nah. I couldn't think of

anything good to say.

- I have to work tomorrow. So...

- Well, I got this bus...

[LAUGHS]

- Well you can give me your...

- I don't have a phone.

Well, I... I could

give you mine...

and you could use a pay phone.

- Yeah!

- Okay. Hold on. Here,

I'll write it down.

Okay.

- That's me. Zoe.

- Okay.

Ah, there's my

cell phone number.

And my cell doesn't have

reception at home.

So, just call this number

and that's my email.

Mmhmm.

Well, thanks for having

lunch with me.

Yea... Yeah. Sure. And...

thanks for the whole

getting me fired thing.

Yeah. Sure. Anytime.

Great.

So...

Call her, Marty.

Jesus wants you to.

Jesus also wants you to leave

your door unlocked tonight

so he and I can crash

at your place.

What're you guys doing

this weekend?

There's a concert on Saturday.

Wanna come?

[LAUGHTER]

You're so funny.

Well, then I went looking up at

the sky and then... Bam.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

Just a little joke there, but...

[MURMURING]

- Oh. Hi.

- Hi!

Mucky.

- Hey there.

- What're you doing here?

Um. I'm horse sh*t on the phone.

Oh so you just decided to

come by my work?

Yeah... I'm not stalking

you or anything.

No. It's ok.

My grandma once told me that my

grandpa used to stalk her,

but back then it was

called courtship.

Yeah. O-okay.

So, how long have you been here?

Long enough to realize I don't

like your co-workers very much.

Yeah. I don't like

them much either.

- Like, that guy.

- That's Ken.

Ken's an a**hole.

It's hard to believe

there hasn't been

an office shooting, yet.

"Hi. I'm Ken."

"I like it when people

jerk on my tie."

"I like to sleep with my

friends' pregnant wives

when they're out of town."

"Suckle from their swelling

teets." [LAUGHS]

"I keep jars of STD's in my

fridge.

I have eighteen rare

strains of chlamydia."

"Hahahahaha."

That guy makes fun of

me all the time.

I kind of wish he'd just curl up

and die and go to hell.

[LAUGHTER]

Well,

I'm sorry you missed my lunch.

We could've sat out here

and looked at the clouds

or something.

I like to do that sometimes.

Oh man.

You're one of those people

who see stuff in clouds like...

kittens and bunnies and

president's heads and sh*t, huh?

One of those people? Mucky,

everyone sees stuff in clouds.

I don't.

Never?

No. Never.

Well, you should try sometime.

No.

Okay.

We should go to dinner

tomorrow night.

We should?

Yeah. Why don't you come over to

my place at seven?

And we'll eat.

At a restaurant... together.

Doesn't that sound nice?

Yeah. Nice.

Well...

...sh*t.

[DOORBELL]

Hi, Mucky.

Wow. You look really nice.

Thank you. You look...

Really, really nice.

Thank you.

I was gonna get you flowers,

but all the ones I could afford

looked like sh*t.

And then I remembered the

sneezing thing.

Yeah. Flowers are bad.

Balloons are great.

You're not allergic to latex,

are you?

No. I love it.

The balloon, I mean.

I have a coupon. So, you might

as well look at your menu.

I'm gonna get a goddam job soon,

you know?

I know.

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