Qwerty Page #3

Places like this make me

feel like sh*t.

Why?

I don't know.

My dad used to take me to

places like this

...when he won at the track.

He always wanted to fit in,

you know?

be just like them,

but we weren't.

Not even close.

And I never want to be

like my dad, so...

I never want to be like

these people.

But they look so happy.

"I simply must have that

Mercedes in medium sky-blue.

Not light sky-blue,

and not dark sky-blue."

"I need those papers on my desk

by seven a.m. sharp. No excuses.

[LAUGHS]

"And how was your day,

Chazwick?"

"I sold some stocks.

And some bonds...

and then, I shot three under

par-r-r at the club."

"Hmph. Lovely."

"And you?"

"I had my nails done

and lunched with the girls."

"I myself took a..."

[CLEARS THROAT]

"A long, long lunch. And, um,

bought myself a new suit."

"My, don't you look dapper."

[LAUGHS]

"Thank you."

[LAUGHTER]

And how, how was Zoe's day?

I played a game of Scrabble

and scored three bingos!

Wait, were you... were you

playing Scrabble or bingo?

Bingo's when you use

all 7 tiles in one word.

Oh!

That is amazing. And I managed

to go all the live-long day

without referring

to someone as an a**hole.

That's amazing!

Yes. I also met

this fine gentleman

at a job interview

who shared my passion

for pistachios.

[LAUGHS]

We're going into business

together.

I'll be a millionaire

by the end of the week.

That's nuts!

Yes. I'll be King of the nuts.

[LAUGHS]

Sounds like we've both had a

really good day.

Yeah.

[LAUGHTER]

I had fun tonight, Mucky.

Yeah.

It didn't suck.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

[LAUGHTER]

[MUFFLED LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

[MOAN]

Woo!

Thank God you bought that

family-size box of condoms.

That's the first time wishful

thinking has ever paid off!

Plus you save a lot when

you buy in bulk.

[LAUGHTER]

[DOORBELL]

Finally, pizza! I'm starving.

[DOORBELL]

God damn 'im.

he's supposed to f***ing

take the money

from underneath the mat

and leave the pizza.

[DOORBELL, DOORBELL, DOORBELL]

Dammit! Can't anybody follow

directions anymore!?! [DOORBELL]

Leave the pizza, take the money!

[KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK]

The guy from Hong Kong Kitchen

last night

knew what the

hell he was doing!

Take the pizza, leave the money!

Reverse it, flip it, put it on

your dick and stick it!

[LAUGHS] Oh my God!

[SCREAM!]

Why would Mom think I was dead?

Because your work called and

told her you were dead.

- They called Mom?

- Yes, they called your mother.

- And she sent you?

- Yes.

Well, tell her I'm fine. I just

forgot to charge my phone.

For three days?

Who's the homeless guy?

- He's

- Your boyfriend?

Well I hope he's got a job,

because you're obviously not

going to have one anymore.

I haven't taken a vacation day

in three years.

You know this was a really bad

day to pull this sh*t, Zoe.

[SCOFFS] the kids have...

forget it.

Well I'm glad I'm alive!

What's one more day?

If they think I'm dead, they'll

hire someone else.

- Can anyone else do your job?

- Mucky.

Look, once you leave this

apartment, you'll be out there,

and you'll realize what a

huge mistake you've made,

and then you will never, ever

come back here to me.

I think you should go

to your apartment

and pack up all your stuff.

What?

Pack it up, haul it over,

I have plenty of room here.

You know I'm not

exactly housebroken.

What, you're going to

pee on my rug?

- I'll get you a litter box.

- [LAUGHS]

What if your b*tch

sister comes back?

She's not the b*tch,

she's the nice one.

You know that's very funny,

because I've actually been

studying this uh, art...

- ...it's called Tantra.

- Oh really?

It's very sensual...

Are you serious?

Oh my three's company!

Too much Me TV.

It's like she just raided Mr.

Roper's closet of death.

I can hear you.

Oh, I'm sorry, we thought

you were dead.

No, I wasn't dead.

I was having sex.

For thirty-six hours...

and eating take-out.

With who?

My boyfriend.

Oh really, your boyfriend?

Yeah, my boyfriend.

Oh, and I told him

all about you Ken,

and he thinks

you're an a**hole.

- What's your boyfriend's name?

- Yeah, anyone we know?

No, you don't know him...

His name is Marty Huckhound.

Oh, and do I have to worry about

Marty Huckhound beating me up?

I don't know, I think he might

be bigger than you Ken,

but he's probably from Canada!

[LAUGHTER!]

Bunch of goddamn teenagers!

Uuuhhh!

Oh, that was good...

So back to this back rub...

# So it turns out that

life you lived, #

# Really wasn't worth a sh*t

# And all those people

that you thought you knew... #

# They don't give a

f*** about you #

# You've got to kill yourself,

kill yourself #

# Hang on, what about life?

# Hang on, who f***ing cares!

# Kill yourself, yeah!

You're here!

You decided to move in.

I got you a present.

- Ta daaah

- A sock!

I love it. To make sock monkeys.

There's a matching

one in the bag.

I saw you had a monkey

with no arms.

Yeah.

What do you want to name it?

Uhhhh, I don't.

But you have to name him.

You gave him his arms.

Ummm, Mr. Sock.

Uh, okay. Doctor

Foot-Sheath the Third.

Uh, Goddamn monkey-face,

demon-boy!

Do you like that name?

Tell Mucky you like that name.

No, no monkey!

- Mucky you're not afraid

of monkeys are you?

- They're evil.

- They're socks!

So you are scared of

sock-monkeys...

and you bought me socks, knowing

full well what I'd turn them into?

That is so sweet.

- I'm scared of a lot of things too.

- Like what?

Like global warming, or plaid,

or briefcases...

Ahhh! Mucky, did you know

there's a man on our patio?

He kinda slept at my place,

and now I don't have a my place.

Wait, this is all your stuff?

There's an empty jar of

peanut butter there.

Hi, I'm Zoe.

I'm Lewis.

Hi Lewis, nice to meet you.

I hope you're hungry.

Are you a child of the Lord?

Excuse me?

Are you a child of the Lord?

I thought you were talking

to the sandwich.

[LAUGHS]

You sure act like one.

Marty, this is Mr. Davies.

He has a few questions for you

about your application.

[PEN CLICKING]

[PEN CLICKING]

[PEN CLICKING]

Uh, thanks for seeing me, man.

Zoe recommends you, and

I'd really like to hire you.

They've got me doing

this job now,

and I don't know how much

longer I can take it.

Are you good with people?

Uh yeah, I guess.

Because the people you will be

working with are quite frankly

horrible, awful people

who want nothing more

than to take all of life's

frustrations out onto you.

Yeah, people can be

real a**holes.

You ever kill a man, Marty?

Nope, can't say I have.

Excellent. You're hired.

You start now. Follow me.

# You can't stop me now

# you know, you're never gonna

take me alive, everybody #

Okay.

This is invalid.

You need to fill out form 2010.

Not here. Fill it out and

get back in line.

I've been in line

for four hours.

If you've got any complaints,

save it for Mr. Huckhound.

I'll tell you what, lady!

Tell your kid not to run three

red lights on his driver's test

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