Qwerty Page #4

...maybe then the little

darling will pass!

Next!

And what's your problem?

I got a ticket, even though

I fed the meter!

You say you fed the meter,

I say potah-to.

Next!

Oop, sorry, you're late.

Everybody just left.

That's okay, I was just...

walking by.

Hey, you look familiar.

I think I just look

like someone else.

You're one of us, I can tell.

Here.

You should join us sometime.

Thanks.

- Okay are you relaxed?

- Yep

Okay, what do you see?

Nothing.

Try harder.

[EXHALES]

Yup, Yup. Nothing.

OK, look over there.

- Mmm hmm, mm hmmm...

- It's an angel.

Oh wait,

I think I see something.

Right there, right?

Yeah, you see the row,

- and the feathery wings.

- I see it! I see it!

Yeah, yeah, it's um, it's big,

and it's white, and it's blobby,

It's a cloud!

[LAUGHS]

It's a goddamn cloud.

[GUITAR MUSIC WITH WHISTLING #]

# Girl in the moon...

# I couldn't stay up

# all night like you do

You weren't hearing a word

I was saying were you?

Sometimes you look

like a ballerina.

C'mon, you've lived here

for three weeks

now you know where this

stuff goes. Come help me.

I love you.

I know, I love you too.

Come help me.

# while I am sleeping

# make sure

that I'm not dreaming #

# of floating away

into the day, no #

What you fail to realize

is that this is the

Department of Motor Vehicles,

not the Department

of F*** Faces!

So get your balls out of my face

with your tea bagger sh*t.

You want to drive a car? Get in

line. Get your picture taken.

Okay? Yes, it goes in a computer.

Yes, it keeps track of you.

No, it's not socialist.

No, it's not communist.

But if you're not nice, I'll get

my good buddy Dwayne back there

to photoshop a pearl necklace on it

and post it all over the internet!

Outta here!

Next!

[PHONE RINGS]

And what the f*** do you want?

Hi Mucky, it's me.

I'm going to the library today at lunch,

do you want me to get you anything?

Ummm, maybe some

hardcore bondage porn,

Juicy fruits, Tylenol,

definitely.

I don't think the

library has any porn.

- Maybe some condoms.

- Or condoms.

Actually, they might have some condoms in the

bathroom. I've never noticed. I'll check.

Ok, ribbed for her pleasure,

if they have it.

Freak. Bye.

What?

[CAR HORN HONKS]

See if you'd made that a D

instead of an S,

you would have switched

it around and had 'Decor'

- which would have left your O open.

- Yeah.

- Hi!

- Hi.

You looking for a little

Scrabble action?

You a player?

First person we've had

under 50 in a while.

Let's make this fast,

I gotta get back to work.

- Hi, I'm Holly.

- Hi.

This is Amber and Nancy.

That's Jake.

We are die-hard word nerds.

I'm Zoe, I'm on my

lunch break too.

We use Scrabble clocks.

If it's not in this book,

it's not a word.

[ALL] Wow!

- Word Nerds?

- I beat them both.

I mean, I beat them bad.

That's great, you're queen

of the word nerds.

There's more.

I did something today that

I've always wanted to do.

I entered the National

Scrabble Championships.

Is that real?

Really, you're kidding me?

No, I'm not kidding, but now

I'm kinda freaking out about it.

Why? You're the only person

I know who could spell...

7 words that start with Q

and don't use U?

Qaid, qat, qanat, qiviut,

qintar, qoph, qwerty.

Qwerty? What's a qwerty?

It's the standard

English keyboard.

Qwerty. It's the top

row of letters.

- You're not even making that up.

- [LAUGHS]

You are... really... really...

smart.

Oh, no. Q words, that's just

yellow belt sh*t.

You just have to have those

words memorized or you're screwed.

A Q is worth 10 points, you don't

want to be stuck with it at the end.

I bet you'll beat all

those other word weirdos.

[PIANO MUSIC #]

Marty!

Hey Lewis.

I been looking for you.

You forgot the sandwich

Zoe made for you.

Do you know the temperature

of the water today, Lewis?

No.

It's 35 degrees.

You know how cold the water has

to be to kill you of hypothermia?

No.

Anything under your body

temperature

and you'll get hypothermia

if you're in it long enough.

Anything under 40 degrees, and you'll

lose use of your limbs within 2 minutes.

She made one for me too.

I'm not sure which one is yours

and which one is mine.

Mine's probably got wheat bread.

She asked me whether I like white

or wheat bread, and I said white.

She said I should eat wheat

because it's better for me.

That Zoe, she's a good woman.

Yeah.

What the hell's she

doing with me, Lewis?

I'm sure she'll wise up any

minute now and leave.

Do you like ferrets, Lewis?

Most people think they're

rodents, but they're not.

No way.

You know they're

illegal in 14 states?

Ummm... No.

Yeah.

When I was a kid,

my mom had a litter of them.

It was summer, and after school, I was

supposed to bring the babies in from outside.

But I forgot,

'cause I was watching TV.

Well, when I remembered,

I went out and I got the box...

I brought them inside and

I went back to watching TV...

'cause, the ferrets were boring.

Then my mom got home.

She went, looked in the box,

and guess what?

They were all dead.

All of them.

They were in the sun too long.

Do you know what

I'm saying, Lewis?

Do you know what

I'm trying to tell you?

Uhhh... I guess it's

like a parable?

Exactly.

Ummm, Zoe's like the

Good Samaritan,

and, I'm the... the...

The ferrets?

No! No, Lewis.

Zoe is the ferrets...

and... forget the Samaritan!

I'm the me, Zoe's the ferrets.

I kill ferrets.

I ruin everything that is good.

Everything I love, I ruin.

And I loved those ferrets.

I thought you said the

ferrets were boring.

[SEAGULLS CALLING]

I'm supposed to meet Zoe's

parents tonight.

Then you better not

jump in the lake.

[PIANO MUSIC #]

God Damn!

You grew up here? Nice.

Oh! Fire in the fireplace.

You know I've never actually

seen that before.

Would you please get out of the

bushes? They'll call the police.

You mean they don't

know I'm coming?

[LAUGHS] Oh, this is gonna be

a goddamn barrel of laughs.

Katie already thinks I'm a

cross-dressing, homeless serial killer.

Oh, it's only you.

One of the kids thought he

saw Bigfoot in the window.

Katie, you remember Marty.

Marty, Katie.

It never occurred to me

you'd actually bring him.

Virginia is going to have to

set another place at the table.

You guys even have a maid?

Virginia is my mother.

Just stay close to me, OK?

Let's get this over with.

Zoe, who's this?

Lizzy, this is my boyfriend,

Marty.

Marty, this is

my oldest sister, Lizzy.

Since when are boyfriends

allowed at Daddy's birthday?

I didn't even bring Grant

until we were engaged.

- Hey um, how many boyfriends

has Zoe had?

[WHISPERS] Marty.

Only one that I remember.

What was his name?

Gordy something or other?

Had a limp.

Whatever became of him, Zoe?

He cheated on me.

Yes, that's right.

Zoe, is that you?

I need you in the kitchen.

Ahhh ahh! Are you bigfoot?

No, I am Marty, who are you?

This little guy is Luke,

and I'm Jonathan,

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