Qwerty Page #5

Katie's husband.

Marty, Zoe's boyfriend.

Ahh, nice. Well, welcome to the

annual nice of awkwardness.

Hey, is the old guy as big an

A-hole as he looks?

You might watch that, he can

probably hear you.

...roll me over, lay me down

and do it again.

[LAUGHTER]

Ha ha ha ha.

Marty, how did you meet our Zoe?

Ummm... at work I guess.

Yeah, I was shopping at the mall

and I saw Marty working

in the men's department.

You sell men's socks, Marty?

No, Bob.

I was working security, but now

I work at the DMV with Zoe.

You look for dirty

words all day too?

No, Marty is second in command

at the public affairs office.

Well, that sounds like an

important job.

people come to me to complain and

I tell them where they can stick it.

Well, you should get a

job as Bigfoot!

I'll keep that in mind, kid.

Eat your asparagus, Luke.

No, No. That's a good idea.

Bigfoot doesn't really

have a job...

so I think I could handle it.

I mean, I sure wouldn't be late

to work, that's for sure.

Ha.

Let's get to the fun part

of the evening.

Well, Virginia...

It looks like Lizzy and Grant

are giving us a wine

tour of Tuscany.

Ahhhh, that sounds lovely.

Excellent choice, Lizzy

And as you all know,

Lizzy is the number-two real

estate agent on the Gold Coast.

Seven thousand.

And let's just hope

next year, you are number-one.

For his birthday he likes to

show off his generosity.

- And a grandchild would be nice.

- It's weird.

Alright, Katie, what

have we got?

It's a custom-made shirt, Dad.

And the tie too.

- We know it's

your favorite color.

It's the same color

as your Mercedes, Bob.

Huh.

A thousand. You better put this

in the kid's college fund.

Thanks, Bob.

Sorry.

Zoe?

What the hell is it?

It's a kaleidoscope.

- That looks like

very nice leather, Bob

What the hell am I supposed

to do with this?

Well, I know your job is

kinda stressful...

So I just figured that

with this,

you could take a moment

whenever you needed

just to look through it,

and look at the shapes,

and colors, and patterns.

It's super relaxing.

Zoe, do I look like

some burned out hippie to you?

- Now, Bob.

- No. Virginia, I want her to answer this

and explain... this... and...

Look at you, the way you live...

who you live with.

She always does this.

Always makes everyone upset!

- What?

- We all try to understand you!

- Bullshit.

- What was that?

- I said bullshit.

- We don't appreciate-

Well I don't appreciate you

treating me like sh*t!

Okay, I get it. I'm not

part of your little family.

I mean that used to

make me feel bad,

but tonight,

after being here...

I am goddamn happy not to be

one of you people!

How dare you!

- Lizzy, you are such a b*tch!

- Woah.

Do you want to know what happened

between me and Gordy Menick?

I'll tell you what happened!

I caught Lizzie & Gordie boning

away in Bob & Virginia's bed!

Lizzie, how could you?

He had a limp!

Zoe stop it, we get your point.

Katie.

Don't you remember

when we were kids,

how you used to braid my hair

before we'd go to school?

Now you don't even tell me how

the kids are doing when I call.

- I want you out of here.

- Bob, you're just a total dick!

May I add something, babe?

- Yeah go ahead,

dick sums it up for me.

These obnoxious shrews, and

their bitchy little husbands...

...not you Jonathan,

you're kinda cool...

are trying to buy your love.

Zoe would have

given it to you for free.

That's pathetic dude.

No... And if there's one

thing in this life...

that I know intimately,

its pathetic.

...and you Bob...

you take the f***ing cake.

Come on, babe.

Should I?

- A**holes.

- I don't ever want to go back there.

You never, ever have to.

Ha ha, all time record low.

A hundred bucks.

Let's cash this before they

have a chance to stop payment.

[PIANO MUSIC #]

# Longest day...

# The hardest stand

# The lonesome road that I've

been told will never end #

# Some thoughts will change

# Some rain will fall

# And all the stains

set in stone #

# will be washed

from the wall #

# I hope you're right...

# This feels right

# Every cold whisper...

# Every dark fear

# Just dissipates into

sad souls longing to feel #

# To feel what we feel

# To feel right

# Cause I know

you're right... #

Xanathine.

X-A-N-A-T-H-I-N-E. Xanathine.

Xanthoria. X-A-N-T-H-O-R-I-A.

Xanthoria.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm in training.

Hey, could you make more coffee?

- Hmmm, training for what?

- A Scrabble championship.

You know if you're finishing the last of the

coffee, it'd be really nice if you'd make more.

That's impressive. Oh, can you

spell complete f***ing waste of time?

Too many letters. Ah, See.

[SNICKERS]

Son of a b*tch.

Zoe, I think what you're doing

is brave, crazy crazy brave...

and more than a little sexy.

I used to play a little

competitive air-guitar myself.

Weaaaah, B-na naa nau neoww...

Waaaah, wah, wah, wah...

Whammy bar. Waah wawahhh...

Taps!

Nana-l-na-l-na-l-na-lauw...

[PHONE RINGS] You guys suspended

my driver's license

...for ticket I got

in Kentucky last Thanksgiving

that I've already paid.

I've already paid this.

Oh dude, come on!

- [LAUGHS] Well I'm good at a lot of things.

- Yeah. [LAUGHS]

Excuse me Ken,

can I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah, who are you?

Wow! Jesus, Ken. That's quite a

bleach job you got going there.

Is that, uh, covered under

our dental plan?

No, I pay extra.

Who the hell are you?

Marty Huckhound.

Zoe's boyfriend.

The girl you like to

make fun of.

Oh, you're real, huh?

Yeah, I'm real, and I work in

the complaints department.

And this morning... Zoe had a

complaint of her own.

The coffee.

Yep, we-we-we have it.

You didn't make more.

Oh that, well...

Yeah well, you pissed her off.

Um, what exactly is your job

description here Ken?

I'm a systems analyst.

It's not a**hole?

Excuse me?

Is that a very sought

after position?

Ha ha, what are you

talking-yes, yes it is.

Oh, so would it be a problem

if say...

you didn't show up

at work tomorrow?

Or would somebody else be happy

to step up and fill in your shoes?

Look, weirdo... I'm not

talking to you, slut-face!

Hey hey hey, I don't want to

have to kick your ass.

And I don't want to have

to kick your ass!

Oh really? And what makes you

think that would happen?

'Cause I work out, and um,

you.. don't.

And I have a green belt in

Hopkido, and you... clearly don't.

But you see,

what you don't understand

is that I have anger and rage

...that's been brewing in my ass

for about thirty-three years now.

So you make the call, Ken.

Do you want to risk it?

Because I'm not gonna get fired!

'Cause no one wants

my f***ing job, Ken!

[SNARLS]

You're an a**hole, Ken.

And I'm a crazy sonofabitch

who'll do anything in his power

to keep that woman...

...from being as

miserable as you and me.

Capisce?

Capisce.

- Are you okay? Are you okay? Are you o

- I'm great. Are you okay?

I'm fine.

[ANNOUNCER] The last few days

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