Rancho Deluxe

B- Bar or Lazy-T?

B- Bar.

Now, why do you say that?

Because the fire road runs

up above their corrals,

And you can't see it

from the house.

Let's toss a coin.

Let's just decide.

Did you ever walk a quarter

between your fingers?

Never mind that. That's the first

thing they teach you in jail.

How to walk a quarter

between your fingers.

Simpleminded card tricks are next.

I'll do it.

You can practice walking the coin.

See you got to where you're real

proud of it. Where's the saw?

In the bed.

Brought the little McCullough.

That thing is so damn hard to start.

You are nervous.

Shall I show you

a few card tricks?

Just show me that thing start.

Did you gas this mother up?

Smell it, Cecil.

You flooded it.

Then we've got to wait it out.

Just be a couple,

of sleepy rustlers...

waiting' for somebody to come up

here and mend fence.

There's no way outta here

except for that fire road,

So we're not gonna put 'em to

any trouble making' the arrests.

How many cows

b- Bar running' here?

Couple of thousand

on the summer range.

Minus this one.

That's right, you're gonna

wanna figure that one in there too.

See, if you and I were grownups,

the b-Bar would be running'...

a full 2,000 head

on the summer range.

Now they're down to 1,999,

and there's hardly any sense in goin' on.

I'm gonna give it another try.

IJack?

Do you believe in the tooth fairy?

The one that takes your tooth

from under the pillow?

Yeah.

I do if you do, Cecil.

Well, I do too then.

What Id plan would be to watch the Tuesday

night livestock reports from butte...

and see what we can get for four hooves,

a head and 125 pound of cow guts.

We know it's not a coyote this time.

Well, let's report it

before it gets blamed on us.

My plan would be to

mail that to somebody.

Well, all right. If that

means something to you.

Miss castle, I hate to be so late in

gettin' to you on the rent.

The Indian and I,

we've- We've been out of town,

And now there seems

to be, I don't know, some problem...

in transferring funds

from our savings account...

to our special

checking account without, uh,

Losing our Christmas bonus.

Come on.

Get to the point.

Well, I was hoping

that you'd let us...

Pay our rent

with 100 pounds of u. S. Prime beef.

Now, this is about

double the value we owe you.

Or more.

Is this reservation cattle?

Oh, no, ma'am.

Grain fed.

We swapped

a jeep for it.

See, we don't want to lose our

Christmas bonus down at the bank.

Last month it was a sheep.

And next month

it will be hard cash.

And it was still warm.

Yes, ma'am.

Cost us a rototiller.

- We got beat out of a lot of value

on that one. - Okay.

We was gonna check

the livestock reports,

And see what hooves

was goin' for.

Shut up, curt!

How in the hell

did they get in here?

Fire service road.

I'm gonna close that road.

You can't. It's a fire road.

I'll go to Helena,

see the governor and close that road.

I've closed

service roads all over Montana.

I'm not gonna...

have a west that's not free.

And Ill not have my stock

breakin' their legs in gopher burrows.

And Ill not have

a west that's not free...

and at this point

in the 20th century,

I'm not gonna be

plagued by rustlers.

When's that chopper mechanic

get here from billings?

IWednesday.

Well, you tell him

we hunt predators, airlift big game...

and track rustlers

with this son of a b*tch.

And we can't afford

carburetor trouble in blind canyons again.

Yes sir, john. I'll tell him.

She sure sounds good

to me now, though.

One more bit of engine trouble,

And I stand up at the

cattlemen's association...

and announce what a piece

of sh*t this thing is.

Let's get

the hell outta here.

How are you, betty?

Bored.

What are you tying this week?

Fan wing

royal coachman. And you're bored?

That sounds like

an interesting fly.

F*** you, jack.

Do you want

to go out with me? I haven't any idea.

I thought maybe

you and me could go over...

to the wrangler

and shoot a little pool.

Buy you a cheeseburger.

Dynamite.

You want to come out

and play tonight?

Well, Im supposed

to go help my sister...

catch her horses

up in the crazies.

Hey, if your sister

will go out with Cecil, we'll help you.

Well, all right.

But you've gotta bring your own horses.

We're not ridin'

you clowns double.

Come on, Cecil.

Hold on, now.

Dee and me is still

working this out. Says you.

Come on, Cecil, let's leave

the bow-Wow to her work.

Ha, ha, ha. You, man!

A date with betty's sister, Mary.

All right!

She's the tastiest lady

around here, if you ask me.

She's got lips

of cherry wine and eyes like diamonds.

Yeah, that's the one.

Shall I bring

a lot of rubbers?

Indians. Jesus.

Sorry.

Just trying to embrace

the new culture.

We gotta help catch

her dad's horses.

Where at?

Up in the crazies.

All right.

Honey! I'm back.

How are things

in the wild blue yonder?

You look fantastic.

All right, john.

Cecil?

Have you ever watched

chickens f***ing?

I wouldn't

say "watched. "

Have you ever listened?

You must be

these ladies' dad.

How do, Mr. -

Dog. Bob dog.

I'm Cecil Colson.

North American Indian.

Sir, we're here

to help these ladies catch their horses.

Now, my bet is, they've gone half

wild up there in them aspens...

with wire marks

over every inch of their hides.

How right you are.

Makes you really wonder...

if you should've given in

so easy when they whined and whined...

for another appaloosa,

high-Priced barrel racer.

Yes sir, they've probably

reverted to bucking stock by this time.

Oh shut up, jack,

and take off that ugly mask.

Give me a hand here, jack.

I've got to git.

Just run

all of your ponies into the old corral.

I'll send a stock truck

up for them in the morning.

Okay, dad.

Bye-Bye, daddy.

- How many horses

are we looking for? - Five.

Where shall we start looking?

Let's throw

the I ching and see.

No, we ain't throwin'

no I ching to find no horses. Damn.

Eat it, betty.

High school kids can't

pick their nose...

without gettin' stoned

or throwin' the I ching.

You can't sleep at night

without humpin' cowboys in the driveway.

- Watch your lip, Mary.

- Or demolition derby drivers,

Bank tellers, brand inspectors,

just to name a few.

Ladies, damn. I'm gettin' disillusioned.

INow, let's just

ride up there and catch these ponies.

To me, this is

America today.

God wants America

on horseback,

Findin' lost appaloosa

barrel racers.

Do I make

myself clear?

Mary, you and Cecil...

go to the top

of the south pasture,

And we'll go down

the forest service line.

We'll herd 'em back

from there.

If we catch one we'll have a simple

time with the others, okay?

Right.

Okay.

Make it to the tree,

she'll die, first fly.

INow Mary,

you don't know any such thing.

Yes, I do.

She's a dumb twat and I can't stand her.

She flushed two lids

down the toilet on me.

Smashed my black light

when she was drunk.

Tore up half my posters.

Scratched

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