Rancho Deluxe Page #2

my humble pie albums-

How much difference in age

is there between you? Two years.

But she's just about

exactly half as hip as my grandma is...

down at senior citizens'

crankin' out doilies.

IBetty-

IMe-

Jesus-

IYes-

God.

ILike that, yes!

Jesus.

Yeah!

That is Dyno supreme.

I am loaded.

Stoney weed, I tell you!

The most...

possible primo.

Wha-

Wait, yeah.

Yeah!

Baby!

Baby!

Come on.

Baby!

Baby!

Baby!

Jack.

You-

Oh, you miserable

son of a b*tch!

Is nothing

sacred to you? Woo!

Hey!

Why have I asked you

to save these?

I have asked you

to save these...

because they will

help show us...

that these rustling cases

are all the work of the same man.

But a lot of people

have 270s, Ms. Brown.

Curt,

you're a slow boat to china.

Now, Burt, will you tell

curt what I told you?

Curt.

Yes, Burt?

The firing pin

of a rifle is just like a fingerprint.

And we're gonna send

those cases down to the ballistics lab.

All right.

Anybody feel like dancin'?

How 'bout you, slow boat?

Music's a little

hard to dance to.

Come on, goddamn it.

I want some gothic

ranch action around here.

II want some

desire under the elms.

I wanna see some

smoldering glances down at the old corral.

I- I-I don't know,

Ms. Brown.

Gee, Mrs. Brown-

Well, piss off, then.

Jesus Christ.

Tweedle-Ee-Dee

and tweedle-Ee-Dumb.

What do I want with beef?

I have nothing

to trade you, anyway.

How 'bout

your dirt bike? My Elsinore?

Are you nuts?

That's worth more than your steer.

What kind of condition

was this animal in?

Real choice.

You got a nice rifle?

I got a sharps

buffalo rifle.

A real plains rifle

made by w. C. Floond.

What caliber?

.50 sharps.

I'd trade

my right rear quarter.

How many ribs

on a quarter?

IThis sharps

is something.

I'm so glad you asked.

It's a three-Rib quarter, and it'll

run to half the weight of that side.

Throw in

the kidneys and liver and you've got a deal.

I mean, if you're

lookin' to deal.

I'll take the sharps.

Jack and me

are about the last of the plainsmen.

IToday's enterprise

announced that old john brown...

bought the lazy-T.

Probably doesn't matter

which fork we took,

It was still gonna be

one of his cows.

I'm glad

we got it in storage.

I didn't like the feeling

when that chain saw flooded.

Yeah, I don't know

if john brown's so bad, either.

He keeps some of these

sh*t-Assed tourists from puttin'...

an aluminum house trailer

on a quarter acre of pasture.

IYou ever see Cheyenne autumn?

IYes.

IWell, in another 20 years

they're gonna make aluminum autumn.

You bored, john?

Yeah.

What do you wanna do?

I don't know.

Wanna go look

for signs of the rustlers?

They probably

haven't even been around.

IDarlin',

that's not my fault.

And it's not my fault that there are

no more ranches to buy around here.

Why don't you run into Livingston

and get yourself a hat?

- I don't feel like it.

- I've got it, john.

I've got it.

Why don't you call

a press conference on this rustling?

You know, that's not

a bad idea, Cora.

That's really not.

I could

declare war on rustling.

Can you beat that? John brown has

declared war on rustlers in park county.

That's us.

Before you whites came here,

we had a...

simple existence

in these shining mountains...

Iunder this big sky.

- Horseshit.

- We had that too.

Cec, your relatives were

primarily honky tie hackers from Iowa...

and bucktoothed

squaw hoppers from the east.

It sure was something

with them ladies last night.

IWhat's the matter?

We've got to jack up

this here ante on john brown.

Let's burn his barn.

No, really.

I mean it.

Let's burn and pillage.

You f***ing Indian.

You interested in this

livestock exposition?

You mean, now that we're

in the cattle business?

Let's skip these

runners-Up and also-Rans.

Let's go

for the biggest and the best.

What's that?

Let's see what won the top seed bull.

I want to see the winning chicken.

We're gonna

skip the chicken.

I'm into blue-Ribbon cabbages.

I want to see one.

Let's keep our eye

on the ball, Cecil.

This fine bull,

Baseheart

of Bozeman canyon,

Has compiled more than

twice the number of points...

needed here tonight...

to win this blue ribbon.

He has tremendous

thickness and length,

And at show time,

checked in a 2,600 pounds.

His mother,

at 14 years of age,

Is still running

in the high country with her grandchildren.

This bull has it all:

Size,

IBone,

ITrimness,

IColor-

It just brings

tears to my eyes.

John brown,

I wonder if you could

say a word or two...

to Baseheart

of Bozeman canyon's admirers.

Thank you, bob.

Honey, come on up here.

My wife and I

thank you all.

I, I would like to say to

my fellow breeders,

That in 20 years

of breeding, from this stock,

You can count

the steers on one hand.

Our bull calves have,

on the whole,

Grown up to be bulls.

All right!

Yowza!

Okay.

Ain't he something.

Seriously,

We have the top matrons

and the top sires.

We raise

very correct cattle...

at the b-Bar lazy-T.

And if we ever

get around to the same with our citizens,

Maybe these

chain saw rustlers...

will give us a chance

to show you...

some of Baseheart

of Bozeman canyon's grandsons!

ICongratulations.

Thank you, thank you.

Burt, you load that bull.

Yes sir, john.

Excuse me, sir.

This might seem

a little obvious to you, but do you, uh,

Maintain this quality level

with all your seed bulls?

IDamn sure do.

All pure pedigrees?

- You bet.

- Performance tested before you sell them?

- Yes.

- Semen tested? - Yes.

ICertificates of soundness

from a reputable vet?

Absolutely.

What's that

baby there worth?

About 50,000 big ones.

Do you like your work?

I feel it's

a growing industry, and Im growing with it.

Old Baseheart couldn't care less

who's driving.

I sure would like to go from

one piece of ass to another...

in a custom truck and get nothing but

money and blue ribbons for the job.

That'd be

checkin' out in style.

Why should we

have to hide from a helicopter?

IPrivate land, betty. It's landing.

IBird that owns it

would run us in so quick-

I'll be darned.

Jack, let's just

go down there and see what they were up to.

Ladies, why don't you go look for

a swimming hole with some warm rocks.

Cecil and I are just

curious as all get out to see...

what these ranch fascists

do with their machinery.

Shall we count it?

I don't think

that would be too interesting.

No, neither do I.

Do you like being prosperous?

Hey, it's not interesting.

Maybe we could have a party.

Maybe a party would be interesting.

Old Baseheart is gonna have to f*** his

ass off to make up for this one.

I was tempted to try

to trap our boy,

But I didn't want

to take a chance on losing Baseheart.

I mean, that goddamn animal is

my signature on American west.

Honey, Im with you.

Now, let's just hope.

We're staring at a bad loss

more than a financial way.

Now, so the note said what?

We go to room 203, we'll get another clue?

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