Rapture-Palooza

Now, the Book of Revelation tells us

the Rapture is the literal, physical

bodily coming of Christ in the clouds

to snatch out of this world all believers,

the dead and living

who were in Christ our Lord, amen.

Those sinners who remain on Earth

shall face torments and suffer

beyond their wildest nightmares.

Who are these people?

Well, we all know them.

Musicians, gays, gay musicians,

the entire 1997 Denver Broncos,

and all of Hollywood.

It was incredibly freaky, to me, anyway.

I always say that Ben

sort of saved the world.

He's that amazing.

Well, he says that I saved the world,

but he's probably just being nice.

It doesn't matter.

That's me, looking fairly shocked.

But honestly, not that shocked,

because the truth is,

a lot of crazy stuff had already gone down.

Wow.

Maybe I should back up a little.

See, it all started with the Rapture.

It was league night.

I hadjust gotten a strike.

- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, my God!

And Ben was even more excited than me.

He usually is. Which is why I love him.

Anyway...

Then, all of a sudden,

half the world was

totally gone.

The people who went to church and prayed

and missed out on

a lot of fun stuff

got sucked straight up to Heaven.

And the rest of us,

well, we were screwed.

We weren't believers,

so I guess that's why we weren't taken.

Both my mom and Ben's mom

went to church religiously.

Well, that's the only way

you can go to church.

The point is, they both got raptured.

But, in the only recorded case

of such a thing happening,

my mother was sent back the very next day.

Mom?

Laura.

- What happened?

- I don't know.

I was in Heaven.

Wait. You got sent back?

So God, like, returned you?

Well.

I guess so. Yes.

I was just in line.

And they were giving out massages.

And a guy butt in front of me.

He probably didn't butt.

He barged right in front of me,

and he said,

"I need something in the shoulder."

Were you in the right line?

I was in the right line.

Honey, you are almost never

in the right line.

Listen to me. It was unprofessional.

It was poorly organized.

You have this backwards.

You go up there to be judged.

You don't do the judging.

Mom.

I don't want to be here.

I'd hug you, but you smell like sh*t.

Did anybody vacuum while I was gone?

We all vacuumed.

We all vacuumed all the time.

Lots of vacuuming.

And then the torments started.

First came these little Iocusty things.

- I hate those little things.

- Suffer! Suffer!

- I am suffering, you little buttwipe!

- Suffer!

You're not going anywhere, you little f***er!

If you're wondering,

they were impervious to most bug sprays.

Suffer!

I got an idea! How about you suffer?

Suffer!

Suffer!

This apocalypse is killing me!

Why? Why?

I don't know why, you Jesus freak!

Why don't you ask God?

Oh, yeah, I forgot! He doesn't like you!

That's my parents, you guys.

I can't stand it any longer!

Good times.

Then God, in his infinite wisdom,

did this really gross thing.

It just seemed so unsanitary, you know?

What is that? Is that...

I think it's raining blood.

Blood? It's raining blood.

That's not disgusting.

What the f*** is the point of that?

There's no point!

- I know.

- Wipers don't work for sh*t.

Try the sprayer thing.

Sprayer thing.

Well, that's great. Now it's all smeared.

The wraiths showed up about a year ago.

They were like a nightmare come to life.

They went all around the world

wrecking everything, and killing people.

Holy cow!

Monsters, man.

Real monsters.

Without the costumes.

Because the costumes are real, you know.

So, a lot of people died

during the apocalypse.

The only one I know who

came back was my neighbor!

Mr. Murphy-

We all thought it was weird that

instead of chasing us around,

trying to eat our delicious brains,

all he did was mow his lawn.

Maybe it was on his mind when he died.

I don't know.

Finally this neighbor got so sick of it

that he stole the mower.

But then Mr. Murphyjust walked around

without the mower.

This is sad.

Hello, Mr. Murphy.

Your lawn looks really nice.

Have a good day, Mr. Murphy.

Andjust as the Bible predicted,

the Antichrist finally showed up.

Nobody thought his name

would be Earl Gundy, though.

Certainly not that he'd be from Idaho.

I might take you to rock bottom,

but I'm going to bring you back up...

And I guess not really a surprise

that the Antichrist was a politician first.

...because I'm Earl Gundy,

and we can make it.

And then he gets invited to the White House.

He poisons everyone's sandwiches,

and then just starts using our missiles

to make everyone in the world obey him.

...evacuation of Chicago

has not been fast enough.

He blew up a bunch of cities.

Chicago, Tokyo, London.

You know, just to make

everybody scared of him.

We go now to Orlando.

Oh, come on!

Not Orlando! Oh, man! Come on!

Think of all those ride operators.

They'rejust kids!

And he makes everyone call him

"The Beast,"

because he thinks it makes him sound cool.

Everyone thought he was going to live

in some palace in the Middle-East,

but he settled right here. In my home town.

Not biblical/y referenced, Seattle.

Overall, I'd say the Book of Revelation's

got most of what has happened

pretty much right.

There were some things that happened

that weren't predicted.

Like the foul-mouthed crows, for instance.

Strawberry jam.

- Nice.

- That's right.

Hey, you!

Yeah, you.

F*** you! Caw!

Ben, baby, just ignore that.

Man, I hate those guys.

Why do we just let them insult us like this?

- I know.

- Eat sh*t, f***er.

- No. Not worth it.

- Hold on.

Hey! Blow me!

And don't forget my balls. Caw!

Yeah, don't forget my balls,

you stupid crow.

I'm sorry. You're right. It's not worth it.

Yeah! Walk away, p*ssy! Caw!

Felch me! Caw!

I just don't think that bird

knows what he's saying.

"Felching." He doesn't know

what that means.

It's just a noise coming out of their mouth.

- F*** them!

-No,no,no.

F***, f***, f***! Caw!

Ben and I had this idea

of starting our own sandwich cart.

Because people appreciate

a good sandwich,

even when the world is ending.

Maybe, especially when the world is ending.

That one is better.

That's the horseradish.

I couldn't find any mustard, so...

I think it goes well with it.

- Yeah, it's really...

- Kind of makes up for it.

Stay calm.

It's okay.

After a while, you just get used

to the locusts and the blood rain, and...

And the fiery rocks falling from the sky.

Is that Trevor Burdick?

Yeah. I think it is.

Trevor, get inside, man.

I ain't scared!

Bring it on!

Wow, he's so dumb.

An idiot.

Trevor...

That was horrible.

Yeah.Well...

What?

No, it was horrible. It's terrible.

- What were you going to say?

- Nothing.

What were you going to say?

I mean, come on, the guy is standing there

with his hands up, yelling, "Bring it on."

He's stupid.

He's an idiot. Am I wrong?

No. That's not funny.

That's a... It's human life, you know.

Dumb, dumb human life.

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