Rapture-Palooza Page #2

No, that's not funny, Ben. That's sad.

He's a dummy.

You want to...

Yeah. Later, baby. My parents

are going to be home any second.

Later, like...

- No.

- No?

- See. Home.

- Kill me.

Is the therapy helping your mom at all?

Yeah. She seems to be crying a lot less.

She still says "why" a lot, though.

That's good.

Rocks. Baby.

- Come on.

- Sounds close.

You go up there and he kicks you

right back down.

You might as well have had the sugar.

Dad!

No!

Why? Why?

Why? Why?

My eggs.

My eggs.

That day was the worst day of my life.

Which is saying something

in the apocalypse.

I didn't know how to feel.

The apocalypse was hard

and stressful for everybody.

Well, not everybody.

My brother Clark and his idiot friend Fry

were actually into it.

But I think that's because they were idiots

before the Rapture, so...

Where are you going, Clark?

Fry and I are gonna kayak the blood river.

I don't think that's a good idea, Clark.

- Whatever.

- Clark!

Hey, Clark.

Hey, buddy.

Be careful out on the river, okay?

Because your mom could seriously

not handle anything bad...

Dude, suck it.

Keep any open wounds covered.

- Later, asswipe.

- Asswipe!

Be careful of the wraiths, Clark.

The wraiths have been here a while now,

and they're still bad, I guess.

Some of them still work for The Beast.

But a lot of them are basically unemployed,

and they don't really have anything to do.

Hey, Clark.

So, a lot of them

have become serious potheads.

You know, joints or a bag.

Dude, forget it.

You still didn't pay for the last bag.

- Look, I'll pay you.

- No. Forget it.

I will destroy you.

We will destroy you.

Wow, I'm so scared right now.

Just one joint, man.

F***! Fine, here you go.

- Thanks, man.

- Thanks, bro.

Do you ever f***ing bathe?

Are you still seeing Catherine?

Yeah, she's intense.

You shouldn't let b*tches push you around.

Everyone was struggling to get by now,

except the people

who made a deal with the devil.

I mean, they were on his payroll.

Like Ben's dad.

And you've recently split from

your wife of eight years, Kimberlee, why?

Well, she's kind of a stupid,

vapid whore, Liz.

I'm just kidding.

No, I'm not.

And now she's off in Los Angeles

trying to be an actress.

Good luck.

I prefer to be right here in Seattle.

Go Mariners.

Are there any romantic prospects

for The Beast?

The problem with most of the women

I meet is that they are all sluts, you know.

And I'm looking for somebody who is

old fashioned. The girl next door.

With a nice rack and a nice round...

See. Right there.

- I can't see you.

- I'm right there behind him.

- Right there with the mustache.

- Oh, yeah.

Not bad, huh?

Your old man's on global TV there,

Benjamin.

If you ask my opinion,

the guy has gotten a bad rap.

He's the Antichrist, Dad.

"He's the Antichrist. He's the Antichrist."

I'm just saying, he has done

a couple of good things, so sue me.

Like what? Seriously, like what?

Okay, well, for instance,

he abolished the penny.

He is the most evil individual

who has ever lived, Mr. H.

Wow. You know what?

"The most evil individual who has ever

lived" is paying the bills around here.

Whatever.

I'm just saying, he's not as bad

as everybody says. That's all.

He blew up Chicago, Mr. H.

I am not saying I support

everything he has done, Lindsey.

I was against that.

I was totally against that,

and I said so at the time.

There is no good reason

to blow up Chicago.

Except for the food, the weather,

and the people.

Okay. Now, you are defending him

blowing up Chicago.

No, I'm not, Ben. I'm just providing context.

You know what?

You guys should come work with me.

Then, you would see the deal.

No, we are not going to be

Beastly Guards, Dad.

You don't have to be a Beastly Guard.

You could work in the shop.

And you could do the kitchen

with the other gals.

Yeah, a couple of guys just quit.

Well, they didn't quit, per se.

They were laid off.

Let go. Killed.

Sounds great.

Look, they were working against him, Ben.

I mean, what's he supposed to do?

Give them a raise?

You are so morally lost.

Kiddo, I'm just saying

that's the way the world works,

and you are not exactly raking in the dough

at the homeless shelter.

Somebody has to help those people, Mr. H.

Are you trying to be good or something

so that you get raptured?

Because, I'm telling you, kids,

that was a one-time dealy, okay?

And this one up here, forget about it.

You are not going anywhere

with all the carrying on in your room.

You'd think masturbating

powered the lights around here.

Hey, I'm not going anywhere either,

Ben, okay?

Your mommy is going to be up there

all by her lonesome.

I miss you, babe.

We are going to work on the sandwich cart.

Hey, health insurance. Dental.

They cover acupuncture, Lindsey.

Thanks for the pizza.

"Thanks for the pizza."

I never liked you.

Kids.

World's Most Embarrassing Raptures.

The rapture show is on.

What the f***?

This guy is on a toilet.

I saw it coming and I still laughed.

I was thinking, if this goes well,

and we make a little money,

I think we should move out of our parents'

and get a place together.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Maybe get married and start a family.

I mean, would you really want kids?

In a world like this?

Things are bound to get better

at some point, right? So...

Maybe that point is right now.

Just humor me.

I'll humor you.

Come on. Come inside.

Are you kidding me?

What the f***?

I'm f***ing done with this sh*t!

No. Come on. Are you okay?

- I'm fine.

- I'm sorry.

I really loved that food cart idea, Ben.

I did, I did.

I very much wanted

to see you kids succeed at that,

but let's not kid ourselves here.

It is not easy to make money these days.

Well, we're only going to do it until we have

enough money to rebuild the cart, Dad.

Absolutely. Absolutely.

A month, max.

But people will tell you cardio

all the time. And...

There he is. Hey.

- How is it going today?

- Let's see.

- This is yours.

- Yeah.

-"D*ckhead." Says it right there.

- No. That's not what it says.

- Who are these?

- This is my son and his girlfriend.

Just bringing them to work today.

Your father's an a**hole.

Just so you know.

We have fun.

- No, we don't.

-He's just having fun.

- No, I'm not.

-A real joker this one.

Not with this guy.

We've got a minivan coming in.

-It's not a minivan.

- Soccer mom coming through.

Notaminivan.

Okay. Well, f*** you.

Really? F*** me? F*** you!

A real a**hole.

Now, The Beast isn't here,

so everything is kind of chill.

Pretty cool of your old man

to be showing you around on his day off.

I am going to put you kids by the pool area.

It's a very kick back assignment.

You are going to love it.

Hey, Margie, flowers look great.

Don't look anybody in the eye, okay?

I'm serious.

Don't look anybody in the eye.

This is it. This is the pool. Gorgeous, huh?

Now, you gotta be careful, because

there are landmines all over the place.

Holy dick and balls.

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