Rapture-Palooza Page #3

- What is it?

- The Beast.

- He's coming down.

- What for?

I have no idea.

Okay, but listen. Whatever he says,

you just say yes.

Let's go, guys. Line it up.

So, don't say anything. Don't even say yes.

Okay, I'll say yes.

- Walt.

- Hey, Morgan.

No matter what happens, you say yes.

- I know the deal.

-"I know the deal."

All clear here, boss!

This is my son, Little Beast.

Well, what a treat for me.

Delightful to meet you, young man.

A real chip off the old block.

And you are handsome and intelligent...

Little Beast has some

special requirements for the pool area.

- I'm sorry?

- The pool area.

You heard me say pool area, right?

- Yes.

- Where are we standing right now?

- The pool area.

- Yeah.

The motherfucking pool!

- Shut up!

- Okay

- But I'm not...

- Yeah.

Are you dumb or just stupid?

Yeah, of course. The pool area.

What can I do you for?

Tell him what you want, Little Beast.

- The Beast.

- Hey, Earl!

- You never call me back!

- Kim. Slow down.

Tell him what you want.

I want a big slide.

- Okay.

- Hey, Earl...

My name is not Earl, okay. It's Beast.

I don't give a sh*t what you call yourself.

You're still an a**hole.

- I will f*** your sh*t up!

- Goodbye, Kimberlee.

Don't you f***ing hang up on me!

Don't you...

- Anything else, Little Beast?

- I hate you! I wish you were dead.

Very funny. Right back at you, kid.

We need this done by next week. You got it?

- Yes. Of course.

- Go back to the cart, Little Beast.

Next week.

Who's your assistant, contractor?

Nobody. That's my son, Ben.

No. Not Rachel Maddow.

That is his girlfriend, Lindsey.

- I'm a pool contractor now?

- Shut your mouth.

What am I supposed to do?

This is what I deal with every day.

Welcome, Lindsey.

Thank you.

Can I get you anything? Some iced tea?

Mocha? Latte?

Hot dog?

Corn on the cob? Sausage?

Other dick-shaped food?

No, thank you. I'm fine.

Yes. Yes, you are.

He's a children's a**hole,

but he's an a**hole.

You son of a b*tch.

Thanks for leaving me out to dry.

Do you want to go for a walk

around the premises?

I just...

I'm not a man

you want to say no to, my dear.

Come on. Come. Come. No pun intended.

Okay, pun very much intended.

I won't bite you. Come on.

Okay.

Back to work, contractor.

Yes, sir.

Back to the house, Little Beast.

But, Dad!

"But, Dad!"

Get the f*** back in the house now! F***er.

F***!

We are traveling. We are traveling.

F***!

- F***!

- No, this is bullshit.

Don't.

- Don't.

- No, but...

Don't.

Listen, these people will kill you

as soon as look at you.

I'm not going to let the Antichrist

steal my girlfriend, Dad.

Oh, come on.

What are you going to do?

Challenge him to a fight?

I don't know.

- But I'm going to do something.

- No, you're not.

- Look, they're just talking.

- You need to believe in me, Dad.

Believe in you, Ben? Really?

- Yes!

- Come on.

You are delicious. You know that?

I bet your vagina tastes like

pistachio mint ice cream.

Low fat.

Tell me, Lindsey, what's a gorgeous girl

like yourself doing in a job like this?

Well, my boyfriend, Ben, and I...

Ex-boyfriend.

I'm just kidding. Not really. Go ahead.

Yeah, we were starting

this sandwich business

and our cart got crushed

by one of those falling rocks.

Bad luck.

Right. So, now we're just working

with his dad.

Bad luck for you, but good luck for me.

You know who you look like?

You look like a cross between

Scarlett Johansson and Hilary Swank.

Did anyone ever tell you that, Lindsey?

No.

You got to be kidding me.

You. Who she look like?

What did you say? Scarlett Johansson,

Hilary Swank. F***ing, yeah...

Shut up.

Both lovely ladies with lovely racks,

like yourself.

I have a wonderful, spontaneous idea.

Let's have sex in these bushes right here.

- What?

- Yeah. What do you think?

- Don't fight the impulse now, Lindsey.

- No, I don't...

That's okay. No, thank you.

- I really don't want to do that.

- What?

- I don't want to do that.

- Why not?

I think you do.

- No, I don't.

- Come on. Why not?

So many reasons.

- I just don't do that.

- You don't what?

What are you, a virgin?

You are?

Really?

Well, yeah.

Avirgin?

- Did you hear that?

-They are hard to find.

Winner! You a virgin?

- That's great.

- Honey need a little slap.

Girl's going to give it up to you, sir.

Shut your mouth!

I'm so sorry.

Where are your sunglasses?

Mine fell in the koi pond.

It's not a big deal.

No, it is to me. Yeah.

You got to take it to the hole, sir.

I probably shouldn't have said anything.

No, I get it. You want your first time to be

special, beautiful.

Yeah.

And so it will be.

I promise you, your first time, no anal.

This way, my dear.

I don't care, Dad.

I'm going to punch that guy in the face.

Ben, come on. Be reasonable.

No, I am.

Oh, sh*t.

We just met though, so...

I know.

And at first, I swear, I thought you were

just another hot piece of ass,

butavirgin!

That is really something.

F*** you all.

That's rude.

You know, I'm no good

at this type of thing, but...

F*** it. Marry me, Lindsey.

Marry me and become the mother

of my evil offspring.

- What?

- I know!

Call me impetuous.

Call me an incurable romantic,

but something in my gut tells me

you're the one for me.

Okay, you already have a son, though.

Little Beast is a dud. I need more children,

a mini-bus full, you know?

You all right, Ben?

You hit me with a shovel?

Only a little bit.

You are having reservations,

aren't you, my dear?

- Yes.

- I can tell. This is a horse.

It's big.

I want to show you something, Lindsey.

Not that. Not yet.

You will see my penis later.

I am going to get that guy.

Ben, come on!

What? Are you going to hit me again?

Sh*t. Sh*t.

I gotta get him out of here.

I know exactly

what you are worried about, Lindsey.

- You do?

-"But, Mr. Beast.

"As much as I'm attracted to you, and I am.

"The truth is, I'm scared.

"If I marry you and become your evil queen,

"won't people despise me?

"Won't I become a target, just like you?

"And unlike you, if I'm killed,

I won't return as 'Satan.'"

Why am I using air quotes?

I will be Satan.

- Yeah, actually...

- Hey, hey, hey...

You will become a target,

but there is a weapon here

that very few people know about.

- That's a...

- Yes.

A real live

XGLTLGL laser beam.

Or something.

All right.

See, there's this rumor going around,

this prediction of sorts,

that before long,

someone who shall remain nameless,

Jesus, is going to come down

from the sky and vanquish me.

Yeah. But I don't think so.

Wow!

- Do you see that crow?

- Hey, f***ers. Toss my salad!

Okay.

Primer set.

Yeah!

Yeah! Toss my salad, crow! Suck my balls!

That big motherf***er up there

has no idea who he is dealing with.

I call it my

you-know-who buster.

Excuse me.

So, you see, my dear,

you will be perfectly safe here with me.

- So, what do you say?

- No!

Thank you.

Fine. All right.

I understand.

Of course, I've got to kill

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