Rapture-Palooza Page #4

everyone you know,

starting with your boyfriend and his father.

What?

Your choice, my dear.

No, wait!

If I could just have a little time

to think about it.

Of course.

You have eight hours.

And in that time, if you are not back here,

ready to marry me

and bear my evil children,

I will kill everyone you know. Sound fair?

Okay.

I feel so good about this, don't you?

Take the rest of the day off, Lindsey.

Get ready for tonight. Paint your toenails,

trim your bush, bleach your a**hole,

douche, whatever.

Eight hours, remember?

Don't trim your bush too much now.

Okay.

Adieu, Lindsey, adieu.

Bye.

Toodle-oo!

Slow this b*tch down!

It's f***ing with my vertigo, motherf***er.

Jesus, Dad.

I'm not saying it's good or right, Benjamin.

I'm just saying he's the Antichrist, here,

and you are you.

- Thank you.

- You know what I'm saying.

He's like a god.

Which is ironic, if you think about it.

Maybe Lindsey will like it.

- Lindsey is not going to like it.

- How do you know?

Because she likes me. Right?

You don't like him.

Hey, how do we know anything?

No! I know she likes me!

"I know she likes me."

That's what you sound like right now.

Why would you mock me?

You are such a terrible father.

Hey, Linds.

I just wanted to say that

ever since your father was

squashed by a big giant rock,

I feel like a father to you.

And as your father,

I feel like I just have to say

I just think

you have to go with The Beast here.

- Thanks for the advice.

- And of course, if you don't,

and he kills Ben and I,

and not to mention your mom

and your brother, and who knows who else,

then as long as you are happy with that,

that is all that matters. You know?

Because that means your honor

was more important to you than we are.

She is not going to go with The Beast, Dad.

I know, Ben.

I know.

Your mom is going to have a meltdown.

Maybe not.

We're cursed, Lindsey! Cursed!

Why! Why, Lindsey? Why are we so cursed?

Why? Why? Why? Why?

Maybe because you are so annoying?

I am not annoying, Clark.

I am a woman with feelings.

Oh, my God! I'm going to be in-laws

with the Antichrist.

Poor me. I like to cry all the time.

I hate Clark.

Mom, just deal with it, okay? God!

Why!

Clark, be nicer to Mom.

Okay, Linds, what's your problem?

This is what you gotta do.

You go with this Beast guy,

you have a great night out,

and at the end,

you f***ing knife the sh*t out of him.

If I knife him he comes back as Satan.

Okay, then f***ing knife Satan, too.

I don't know.

- Just keep on knifing him, don't stop.

- That's not going to work.

- What's up, man?

- What's up, dude?

My sister's supposed to marry The Beast.

- Congrats, Linds, that's great.

- No, we're going to kill him.

Hey, she should knife him.

Yeah, I just said that.

She should f***ing knife him.

- F***ing knife him.

- Just grab a knife and...

Just f***ing knife him in the chest

and watch his insides pour out.

Knife him.

Vick, I told you not to

come here before 2:00.

I need some weed, man.

You got a serious problem with pot.

You know that, wraith?

What? Me? Come on, guys.

It's me! Vick!

When was the last time

you went one day without weed?

Yesterday.

- Really?

- Okay, never.

If you are going to do this much

you should get a vaporizer.

Okay. I know.

It's a cry for help and you know it.

Mom, are you okay?

Honey, I just...

Do it, Lindsey.

Go with The Beast.

Please. Please. Please.

- Mom!

- Please. Please.

I can't stand another bad thing

happening to this family.

I can't stand it. I can't stand it!

I can't stand it!

I am not marrying that evil idiot, okay?

He's not killing everybody I love.

There is a plan to deal with this

and Ben and I are going to think of it.

- Okay.

- Okay. If you're going to stand there

crying and being a drama queen,

at least do it while you're

making us coffee, okay?

Okay.

I love you.

I'm sorry I hit you.

Bye, Ben.

I'm going to make coffee!

What about that guy you knew?

The mob guy, Gina Pagano's cousin.

It's a good idea. He got raptured, though.

He did?

I'm starting to think that maybe

we should have just gone to church

with our moms. Believed.

Yeah, but if you don't, you don't.

- What if we really are cursed?

- We're not.

- But what if we are?

- We're not.

We have gotten through a lot.

We are going to get through this.

Because we just are.

Yeah. And if I have to f***ing kick

the Antichrist's ass myself, I will.

- I know.

- I'll do it.

- Did you find anything?

- We definitely can't kill him,

because of the whole

"possessed by Satan" thing.

Right. The only ones who can

kill-kill him are Jesus and God, right?

Right, but it does seem

like he could be locked up.

Really?

Yeah. That is what's going to happen,

apparently.

He is going to be locked up

for a thousand years.

- By God.

- Yes.

Why for just a thousand years?

Why not forever?

- It's just what it says.

-See, this is exactly what I'm talking about.

It makes no f***ing sense at all.

You have him, why would you let him go?

- I don't know.

- This sh*t!

It just seems so pieced together.

Did anyone think it through?

Wait. Why couldn't we do this?

Do what? Lock him up?

Sure.

HOW?

Okay, well, do you remember how Buster

was a total escape artist,

and my dad had to build him

that completely escape-proof kennel?

Yeah.

Wouldn't he yell?

F*** you! You will suffer forever!

Even if he did, nobody likes him,

he's the Antichrist. Who would help him?

That's true. That's true.

What if he got out, though?

We'd just have to be incredibly careful

that he didn't.

Yeah. Tell everybody...

Remember to always, always

keep the Antichrist locked up.

Yeah.

Maybe over time we could turn him good.

HOW?

We could get him a little pet.

Have you been chewing on my books?

You adorable little scamp.

I think after 50 years,

he's not even going to be that bad.

Chocolate chip cookies, kids?

Thank you, Uncle Beast.

You hungry little motherfuckers.

Wait, Linds, no.

How are we going to do this?

What do you mean?

Think about it, I mean...

I'd have to get on to the property, right?

Past all the wraiths.

And the Beastly Guards.

Right. And the Beastly Guards

kill everybody they see.

Everybody! We'd need someone

who couldn't be killed.

And who can't be killed?

Excuse me, Mr. Murphy.

Hi.

We were wondering if we could

just talk to you for a minute?

I'm just mowing my lawn here.

Right, and it looks great. As always.

But, we were wondering...

Well, we actually need your help, sir.

What?

Yeah, see, you're really the only one

who can help us,

because you're dead.

Dead?

Who is dead?

- Nobody.

- He doesn't...

I'm just mowing my lawn here.

Right, but we were wondering...

Just mowing my lawn here!

Dude, you're dead.

You're dead. Plus, you have no lawnmower.

You're pushing nothing.

Mr. Murphy?

Okay?

I don't think it's helping.

You're dead, if anybody's dead...

Wait. Stay here. I have an idea.

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