Ready to Rumble

---

It is safe to assume

that professional wrestlers...

...are universally recognized

as the greatest athletes of all time.

Sammartino, Blassie,

Gorgeous George...

...George "The Animal" Steele,

Superfly Snooka...

...Andre the Giant, Hulk Hogan.

These are heroes of history.

Superior athletes...

...superior men.

Giants come and go in this great sport

of ours, but there is only one king:

Jimmy King.

Jimmy King is the greatest

wrestler of all time.

He's undefeated,

and he holds the record...

...for the longest winning streak in

the history of professional wrestling.

King says, and I quote:

"People said I was a dreamer...

...an idiot, and a waste of life,

and I will never amount to anything."

Hey, jackass.

You're a waste of life. Why don't you

go amount to nothing somewhere else?

And I told you little turdlets not to

park your junk in front of the shop!

Wrestling is for retards!

"Jimmy King's the greatest!"

You guys are as dumb as paint.

Really dumb paint.

Gentlemen, I'm sorry.

Listen, Jimmy King is

the people's champion.

He's immortal, timeless.

He can raise the dead!

Can he really raise the dead? My dog,

Skipper, is buried under my sandbox.

Well, I don't know

about your dog, Skipper.

But don't worry,

because tomorrow night...

...Jimmy King is gonna whup

Diamond Dallas Page's ass.

We're gonna be there.

Right, Gordie?

Gordie?

Gordie?

What do you want, boob?

Purple sugar slush, king-size.

That'll be $1.26.

$1.25. That's all I got.

That's just not good enough,

now, is it, you little boob?

You little Jimmy the King fan boob!

Jimmy King's a big fat loser!

He's a sissy in tights!

There's a lot of glare coming off

that dome of yours, squirrel nuts!

Listen, sunshine...

...l'm gonna open up a fresh can

of whup-ass on you, boy!

Bring it on!

Tag me! Tag me!

Now you're gonna get it!

You messed with

the "Macho Man" Randy Savage!

I'm gonna get you! Yeah!

Bam! Bam! Bam!

King!

One! Two! Three!

Gordie?

Whoa, serious brain freeze.

That icy sugar locked up my nog-nog.

What about me, guy?

I was thirsty too.

I'll get you a refill.

No, don't sweat it.

The guy's a moron.

Come on, I feel bad.

Hey, Gordie?

Yeah?

Why does it look like you have

your finger in your butt?

Because I do.

Jerko, what do you want?

- I need a new sugar slush.

- Why?

There's something wrong

with this one. Smell it.

That's awful.

I know.

Smells like...

- Like...

- Like my ass, right?

- Or maybe your ass. It's weird, huh?

- Like a bitter, sour ass!

Like you poured it from your butt.

I will get you another one ASAP.

- Thanks.

- It's so bad.

How could you drink that?

I struggled through most of it, but

the butt-fruit settled at the bottom.

Freeze, loafer!

Come on. Keep your hands

where I can see them.

Come on, you know the drill.

You got any stuff on you?

Whoa. What's this?

My nuts.

Listen, pal, wouldn't you rather

be on the other side of this search?

You want me to grab your nuts?

Whoa. Yeah, you too.

Come on, sweetheart. Join the party.

Keep your hands where I can see them!

Dad, you gotta cut the crap

with the shakedowns.

You're gonna be a good cop, Gordie.

It'll change your life.

Look what it's done

for your mom and your sister.

What is this crap?

Wrestling?

Wrestling's fake.

Wrestling's not fake!

I like wrestling.

Are you gonna be a wrestler?

You got trouble...

...wrestling your wee-wee out

of your trousers to take a leak.

It's not that I have trouble.

Just sometimes I don't see the point.

Gordon.

Wrestling's a game for little boys.

Police work's for men.

Come on, let's bounce.

Wrestling's for dirtbags

and lily-pickers.

You'll be back.

The badge'll be waiting!

- My dad sucks, man.

- At least you got one.

Right, sorry. It's just that he's

always on my ass about getting a job.

I mean, he's making me

take that cop exam.

- You have a job.

- I know.

I should decide what

I want to do with my life.

- That's right.

- Like Jimmy King says:

"This is America.

I can be anyone I want!"

He actually says,

"I can beat up anyone I want."

- Really?

- Yeah.

But who cares, bro?

What's tonight?

Monday Night Nitro!

Live, baby, live

Live, baby, live

This'll be awesome.

It'll be out of control.

Page vs. King

and it's not a pay-per-view?

Oh, yeah!

Hey, sh*t-boys!

How's the sh*t work?

Excuse the mess.

My aim's a little off.

I've been using the jackhammer.

All done. We did it.

Good job, Gordie.

You too.

Little too much coffee for me today.

- Don't do it.

- What?

Don't "what" me.

You know what. Don't do it.

- Friends don't do it to friends.

- Okay.

If you do it, Jimmy King'll

get hurt tonight. Don't.

Don't worry. I won't.

Gordie?

Nothing can hurt Jimmy King.

Stop it!

Gordie, stop it, please!

I'm gonna kick your ass!

Make it stop!

Sorry, man, I couldn't help it.

Sean, are you okay, man?

Sean!

Couldn't help it?

I can't help delivering a suplex!

Get off me!

Welcome to EZ Take-Out Burger.

How may I help you?

Sean wants Brittany's taco,

with cheese all over it.

Stop!

I should have smelled it was you.

What do you guys want?

Hi, Brittany, I'm sorry.

Can I please have...

...a cheeseburger maxi-meal...

- And a Brittany bare-ass buffet...

- Please! Please!

What?

He said that he wanted the Brittany...

Stop it!

- Did you say...?

- We'll pull up now.

Why?

Why don't you just ask her out?

How does my hair look?

Is it the Finesse?

You're driving a truck of ass-juice.

Don't worry about your hair.

I cannot deal with these losers.

I'm gonna work with the cheese.

Hi, Gordie.

- Sean.

- Hi, Wendy.

- Where'd Brittany go?

- She switched to cheese.

Sean, you think King's gonna put

a hurting on Diamond Dallas Page?

Yes, I most certainly do.

Hey, Brittany! How's the weather

in there? Cold today, hot tamale?

Leave me alone, loser!

Au corvair. Would a loser

have two tickets...

...to Monday Night Nitro,

live from Cheyenne, tonight?

Yes.

Brittany, listen.

Let's go out again.

We'll go out.

We won't talk about wrestling.

We'll talk about us...

You should give up on Brittany.

No way. She's my dream girl, bro.

Come on.

Well, what about Wendy?

She digs you.

No. She's too much

like one of the guys.

- That's bad?

- That's gay.

Right.

Look what I made.

Oh, wicked.

No. It stands for something.

W-W-K-D.

"What Would King Do?"

When I got a problem

and don't know what to do...

...I look down, and I look at it

and I think:

What would King do?

Man, that rocks.

I made two.

That rocks hard, man.

Mrs. MacKenzie!

Ready for that big match tonight?

Oh, yes, boys. Jimmy King is gonna

b*tch-slap Diamond Dallas.

We're gonna be there.

We're going.

Get me a T-shirt.

A really tight one.

That's gross, Mrs. MacKenzie.

Freeze!

Your sister shot her first perp today.

That's nice, Gabby.

She put one shot in his right buttock.

Just doing her job.

That's great. See you guys later.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You better be back by 11.

You got a police admission

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