Reality Bites

And they wonder why

those of us in our twenties...

refuse to work

an 80-hour week...

just so we can afford

to buy their BMWs...

why we aren't interested...

in the counterculture

that they invented...

as if we did not see them

disembowel their revolution...

for a pair

of running shoes.

But the question remains...

what are we going to do now?

How can we repair all the damage

we inherited?

Fellow graduates,

the answer is simple.

The answer is...

The answer is...

I don't know.

Good save, Lelaina.

I'm not a valedictorian,

but I play one on TV.

We all know you slept your way

to the podium.

My favorite part about

graduating now would be...

dodging my student-loan officer

for the rest of my life.

He will be in cahoots...

with the Columbia

Record and Tape Company guy...

who's been after my ass

for years.

Troy Dyer, I brought you back

a souvenir.

Ah...

You know, you can still go back

next year and graduate...

still get your BF.A.

Oh, can I? And then I can hang

this on my rearview mirror...

to brag to all my good buddies

back home that I graduated.

Well, I through

with the whole life drama.

Well, I know

this sounds cornball...

but I'd like to somehow make

a difference in people's lives.

And I... I would like

to buy them all a Coke.

And you wonder

why we never got involved.

Three words... November sixteenth

nineteen-ninety...

Oh, totally drunk

and out of my mind!

It would have been

a poetic experience...

if I weren't such a gentleman,

which I am.

Just let it go, Dyer.

Surrender the fantasy.

Hey, Sammy,

what's your goal?

My goal is to...

Like a career or something.

Lainie, I think the moment

has been appropriately captured.

Would you please take your face

out of the camera?

Come on.

It's for my documentary.

Her...

Documentary.

Think fast.

Here's the deal.

I'm going to take Sam

against his will...

and straighten him out

because I truly believe...

that if we can get two women

on the Supreme Court...

we can get at least one

on you, Sam.

I'm Superman.

-I can fly.

-She's toast.

Aah!

Quick, Vickie.

What's your social security?

Uh... 851-25-9357.

Very impressive.

It's the only thing

I really learned in college.

Sometimes I get that

"not so fresh" feeling.

Conjunction junction,

what's your function?

Hooking up words

and phrases and clauses

Conjunction junction,

how's that function?

Got three favorite cars

that get most of my...

Honey, honey. No, no, no.

Is yours good?

It doesn't seem fresh.

I'm sorry.

Well, I guess

it's about time...

for me to give you

your graduation present, huh?

Your... gas card.

I'll pay that bill for one year.

And since Helen Anne's got

herself a brand-new Infinity...

we're gonna give you

her old BMW.

You can pick it up

at our house.

-BMW? BMW?

-Yeah.

Tom, didn't you listen

to her speech today?

She didn't want a BMW.

Mom, I'll handle this.

I'm not gonna sit here

and listen again...

to some strange ethical argument

about a damn car.

Now, it's got four wheels.

It runs well.

And, little darling,

after you've been...

in the real world

for a while...

you're gonna appreciate

that car.

Yeah. Just think of all those

starving children in Africa...

who don't even have cars.

Troy, does your father

give you gifts like that?

Mom.

Well, actually, my father's

dying of prostate cancer...

so I don't really trouble him

much for gifts.

See, Tom.

You don't want a BMW.

Tell him, Lelaina.

Charlane, she can

make up her own mind.

Dad, don't talk to her that way.

She's not a child.

Well, she married one.

What?

All right. Excuse me.

Come on, come on.

Mom, Dad, I'll take the BMW...

until I can afford to buy

a regular car myself, OK?

OK, Mom?

Please?

Mom, please, come on.

Get a Ford.

SINGING:

Just to float on the sea

Find myself on a page of history

You know, as I ride along

I can always hear the song

about you

and where you're meant to be

Well, you're gonna

tell me the answers

I'll know when you

come back to me

If we should fall,

love will catch us every time

I hear you call, I will run

And if the magic

of the adventure overcomes

We won't cry,

because it could be fun

Well, I'm gonna

tell you the answers

You'll know when you

come back to me

Gonna be all right

When you come back to me

Good morning!

Good morning!

Ha ha ha ha!

Yes. Good morning,

ladies and... gentleman!

I see a gentleman

right over there!

Good morning!

Good morning!

Boy, I tell you...

it is a good morning

with this audience.

Ha! Well, today,

for all you dieters...

guiltless goodies

from chef Skinny Ninny.

Whoa. Mmm!

And we'll also be visiting

with a man...

right here from Houston

who is battling Alzheimer's.

A beautiful

and touching story...

of the triumph

of the human spirit.

He's so cheesy, I can't

watch him without crackers.

Now let's take a peek

inside our "Video View"...

and see what we have

in store for today.

It's a special report

on children's

birthday party themes...

taped on location...

at 8-year-old

Davy Robbins' party...

exclusively for our

"Video View" collection.

Ha ha ha!

So... come sit with me.

Relax.

Have a cup of joe.

Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh*t.

Well, anyway, it's gonna be

a good day. Good morning!

You're beautiful.

We're clear.

Am I here to amuse you,

Miss Pierce?

Am I here to make you laugh?

Is that the real reason

I'm on this show?

Mr. Gubler, when I prepare

your note cards...

you're supposed to get

your own espresso.

Didn't you get

my "espress yourself" memo?

I don't have time

for your little mind games.

I'd like to remind you...

that we're laying people

off around here.

I can find an intern who will do

your job for free like that.

SINGING:

I been locked out

I been locked in

But I always seem

to come back again

And the view, when I look

from my window...

Oh, that's a much better size.

That looks great.

That would go really well

with the EZ-Fits.

So... Oh, buttoning it up.

That's even better.

Yeah, roll 'em right up.

It's liberating, isn't it?

I bought

a toothbrush, some toothpaste

A flannel for my face

Pajamas, a hairbrush

new shoes, and a case

I said to my reflection

Let's get out of this place

Past the church and the steeple

The laundry on the hill

Murder, there's one committed

each 7 seconds.

Hello. I got cut off.

I'm sorry.

Tempted by the fruit of another

Waa waa

Hello? What?

Tempted, but the truth

is discovered

No, no, no.

Listen, he needs us, OK?

If he makes videos,

we show them, OK?

It's symbiotic. It's like

a "chicken or the egg?"

It's both of them

working together.

Yeah, uh-huh.

Well, let me tell you something.

No, no, no.

I'm not scared of...

Jesus!

Aah!

MAN ON TELEPHONE:

Michael, don't laugh at me.

What?

No, I'm in an accident.

I got in an accident.

Yeah, I'm fine.

No. I'll call you back,

all right?

I'm gonna call you...

When you said

you would sue...

Well, it's not

really my idea.

It's just I got my lawyer guy

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