Reality Bites Page #2

telling me, you know...

something, like,

about my rates or...

Right. You mean, like sue

in a courtroom for money?

I don't even know...

because I've never really

done anything like this before.

I mean, do you have

a lawyer or something?

No, I don't have a lawyer.

I don't have a dentist.

I'm... You know, I make

four-hundred dollars a week.

What do you do?

Well, at the moment,

I'm working...

I'm sorry.

I just... I got to...

Hello.

Yeah. What is it?

You know, I don't care...

if she does twelve books

of herself naked, OK?

It doesn't...

That's Dr. Zaius

from "Planet of the Apes. "

Oh.

I'm sorry. No.

Someone else is in here.

Yeah? Well, let her

say that to me.

-No, don't do that.

-Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

No, no. You can...

That's all right...

I was... Go ahead.

You want to touch it?

It's all right.

Yeah. No, go ahead.

No, I was talking to...

Look, can I talk to you later?

Can we... When? OK. OK.

Um... OK.

Um... uh...

You know what?

Just forget it.

Really, just forget

the whole thing...

because it was probably

my fault anyway.

And I'll get in trouble,

and it just doesn't...

And you seem very sweet.

And you seem to like Dr. Zaius.

Oh. Ha ha.

-Oh, no.

-That's...

I'm sorry.

That's... He was just

a collector's... No big...

Well, we can...

-You know what?

-No, here's his head.

It's really... you know...

I think he's gone.

I'm, like, ruining

your whole life here.

No, no, you're not. Really.

Just don't... Just don't

touch anything else...

and I think we'll be fine.

Michael Grates, vice president

regional programming...

"In Your Face" TV.

We've seen it.

It's like MTV,

but with an edge.

-Yeah. So, is it a date?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Dinner?

-Coffee.

-Coffee or cappuccino?

-He ended up saying decaf.

Oh, no. Early night.

Is there any precoffee activity?

Um... I don't think so.

Did he ask you to go out

or to hang out?

Go out.

He definitely said go out.

Hey.

How are you doing?

-Oh, sh*t.

-What?

I forgot to tell you something.

Are you out of your mind?

Oh, my god. Lainie, he just got

fired from the newsstand.

He needs a place to stay

till he can find a new job...

and get his own place.

Vickie, that's the American

dream of the nineties.

That could take years.

Look at it like a built-in

security system.

We'll have a man

around the house.

We'll have a hall monitor.

That's what we'll have.

I don't even know if this is

allowed in the building.

It's not like Mr. Roper's

gonna burst in.

I'll just stay on the couch.

Vickie,

he will turn this place...

into a den of slack.

What the hell is your problem?

I have to work around here,

and unfortunately, Troy...

you are a master

at the art of time suckage.

Oh, well, I'm sorry, miss poster

girl for the workers party...

but until I get that toehold

in the burger industry...

I got a little time to suck.

I'd rather check into a shelter

than deal with her sh*t.

I know how much you

love to mainline in misery here.

But you don't have to.

I can get you a job interview

at my dad's plant.

What is that?

Part of my lease agreement?

It's either that

or a credit check.

It's cool, Troy.

You can stay.

Welcome to the maxi pad.

Yeah,

with the new dry-weave...

it actually pulls moisture

away from you. It's good.

You won't even know

I'm here.

Should I get married?

Should I be good?

Should I astound

the girl next door

with my velvet suit

and my Faustus hood?

And not take her to movies

but to cemeteries

and tell her of werewolf tongues

and forked clarinets?

What

"Hey, That's My Bike"...

would like to do eventually.

as a band...

is travel the countryside

like Woody Guthrie.

Or Richard Simmons.

You know how,

in his commercials...

how he travels around,

surprises people jogging.

As you can see,

I have the occasional run-in...

with an anti-

"Hey, That's My Biker. "

And to those people,

I say nobody...

Nobody can eat fifty eggs.

-Lainie?

-Whatie?

The next time you make

microwave brownies...

I'd really consider

using a microwave.

It's just a thought.

You know,

I finally figured out...

what your problem is, Dyer.

What's that?

I'm not a Pepper?

You suffer from the philosopher

groupie syndrome.

You're this guy

with, like, a 180 I.Q...

ten units away from

a degree in philosophy...

and you always fall

for these dumb groupie types.

Now... they are not all dumb.

Most of them

are just very, very depressed.

Do you find me attractive,

sitting here, eating brownies?

You do. You're strangely

attracted to me right now.

You're oddly, oddly

attracted to me.

It turns you on, doesn't it?

You like to watch, don't you?

Come on.

Come on! Aah!

Here. Ha ha ha!

Don't! Come on.

It's not funny. Give it back.

-Give what back?

-Give it back!

Give what back?

Give the brownies back?

-Aah!

-Brownies, brownies.

Oh, I love brownies.

My name's Lelaina.

Hey, don't!

Hey, watch the camera.

Don't throw it at me.

That's not nice.

Mr. Gubler, do you have time

to take a look...

at what I've done here?

I need my questions.

Oh, well, here's

the research that I did.

You might want to read it...

because this guest has

quite a history in politics.

Just give me my questions.

Excusez-moi.

-You all alone?

-Not anymore.

If I could bottle

the sexual tension...

between Bonnie Franklin

and Schneider...

I could solve

the energy crisis.

Excuse me.

Don't bogart that can... man.

-Are you retarded?

-No. I'm rhyming.

It's not easy.

Sure, I make it look easy.

You guys

better not be inhaling.

Hi.

Lelaina, Vickie was just

promoted to manager of the Gap.

-Shut up.

-It's not even a big deal.

The old manager

tried to kill herself...

by eating a whole pot

of poinsettias.

Still, I'm so proud of you.

Wait.

I'll be making four-hundred

dollars a week, though.

We're never gonna

have rent problems again.

Troy, aren't you excited?

I'm bursting with fruit flavor.

You guys,

I just thought of something.

I'm manager of the Gap.

I'm responsible

for all those t-shirts...

French-cut, v-necked, ribbed,

what have you.

Dude, I'm in trouble.

No, you're not, Vick.

I know you can do it.

I just do not understand

why this moment...

has to be Memorexed.

Sammy, don't you realize?

This is your one opportunity

to play a small part...

in what is destined

to be greatness.

Lainie here

is gonna revolutionize...

"Good Morning, Grant. "

Oh, my god! I'm so sorry!

I had no idea!

Look who's mocking.

All you do around here, Troy...

is eat and couch

and fondle the remote control.

I am not under any orders to

make the world a better place.

Well, then what good are you?

You're a pathological optimist.

You're pathological.

Oh, would you two just do it

and get it over with?

I'm starving.

Oh!

Hello. You've reached

the winter of our discontent.

Uh... hold on.

It's some Michael character.

Oh.

-Who's Michael?

-Let's order a pizza.

Lelaina, if we promise

to pay you back...

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