Return to Zero

1

Round your back, please.

That's it.

This is the local.

It is in preparation

for the epidural.

We've also just started

a pitocin drip

Which should induce labor within

the next eight hours or so.

It's hard to grasp what a

contraction actually feels like.

So I want each of you,

partners and dads included,

To grab an ice cube

and grip it in your hand

As hard and as long as you can.

I'm gonna time you.

It's a piece of cake.

Oh, you won't get in our pool

unless it's 90 degrees.

Which is why I built a Jacuzzi.

Okay. Begin.

This exercise is to illustrate

How different

each of our pain thresholds are.

A woman's pain threshold

Is often quite a bit more

than a man's.

Ohh, did you hear that?

Mm-Hmm.

Quite a bit.

Good.

Quite a bit higher than a man's.

You're a man.

Now, if it gets to be

too much for you,

You're perfectly welcome

to just let go.

I think she's talking to you.

I think she's talking directly to you.

Ah!

Sorry.

46 seconds.

I've seen worse.

Oh!

We're gonna need more booze.

Mom's friends are going through

it like it's spring break.

Are you eating the cake?

Hmm?

Are you eating the cake?

Hmm?

You're eating the cake.

Shh. Shh. Shh.

Did you see what...

Mm.

What was that for?

When was the last time

I pulled you in the hallway

To tell you how much I love you?

Friday.

Mm.

Then I'm a damn fool.

It's Saturday.

I know.

You have to get that.

We got company.

Wow! Remind me to have your mom

plan my baby shower.

This isn't even my baby shower.

I know.

That's my point exactly.

Looks at this, amazing.

Look at all these people.

I know. They're all mom's friends

off facebook. What are you gonna do?

Tweedledee and tweedledum.

Oh, that never gets old,

Kathleen.

Mom, what part of "no presents"

do people not understand?

Oh, they're mostly

from your dad and me.

And don't worry... They're gender-Neutral.

Okay.

Isn't this perfect that

you're having a baby together?

Tell me how excited you are.

Oh, just beyond.

It's beyond, right?

It's her third baby, mom.

I know.

But it's special.

This is one special.

You're having a baby

together. See?

Look at that. Aww.

Oh, yeah. Baby bump!

Are you gonna make us bump?

Let's bump. Boom!

Oh, the baby bumps bumped.

You are hammered!

Ooh.

Oh, Aidan! Jack!

I am gonna sell both of you!

Excuse me.

Oh, she's mad.

Honey?

Hmm?

I think your friend Marylin

was been a bit over-Served.

Why, what happened?

Ohh.

Tossed her cookies

in your bougainvillea.

What?! Ohh.

Remember she did that at our house?

I'll just get the power washer

and hose it down for you.

What do you think?

Ohh, yeah.

Johnny-On-The-Spot dad.

Sorry.

What is wrong with your friends?

Are they 17?

I know.

No, they're drunks.

Really, they are.

A lot of them are drunks.

Wha...

Can we cut the cake?

I want to find out what it is!

Please?

You made the cake!

Um, before we do this...

Oh, just cut it already!

Ready?

Okay.

Oh.

Oh, it's a boy!

A boy.

Whoo! It's a boy!

Congratulations, grandma.

It's a boy!

I wanted a boy.

Congratulations.

There you go.

Congratulations, grandma.

It's a boy!

Here's to getting it right

the first time!

Would you...

Hey, is that necessary?

Oh!

Yes!

Oh, my god!

Only for boys!

Only for boys.

It's delicious.

So you know

I'm gonna be gone

For three months

to be with the baby.

That's why I wanted to talk you.

We're gonna talk about strategy

So you don't lose any momentum.

I sent the application in

last week.

That's great!

Oh, what if I don't get in?

You got to think

positively, Laura.

Intention is very powerful.

Intention.

Thought. Action.

I know I've said it to you

a million times,

But I'm really serious now.

You got to do a vision board.

I know you think it's weird.

When I was 30,

I really wanted to open my life

up to new possibilities.

So I set

a really clear intention,

And I made a weird vision board.

It just helps focus your energy

On putting the right thoughts

and actions out there

To attract the right people

and situations to you.

Everything

that we talk about in here,

They're just tools to help you

get the life that you want.

But you have to be willing

to do the heavy lifting.

You really think that

the thoughts you put out there

Affect what happens to you?

I do.

You know, I don't give a rat's

ass that you need more men.

You're 10 days

behind schedule already,

Which is some kind

of world record

Since you only started the job

last Thursday.

When he sees us both here,

he's gonna know something's up.

So let me handle it, okay?

Mm-Hmm.

Your ineptitude, it's smashing

through the space-Time continuum.

You ought to get

a Nobel prize for that.

No, I'm not wearing the hat.

Hey, bud!

Stats!

Hey.

Boss.

Yeah, I got your text.

Congratulations.

You got it right the first time!

What

is it with you two?

It's a "Y" chromosome thing.

You were missed.

No, I was not.

So, what's wrong?

Wrong?

Why would you think

something's wrong?

You're both here.

Forget about the hat!

Listen, I'm not gonna

sue myself.

But if I could make money

out of that, I would.

Now get out of here.

It's Ned. Again.

The same goddamned thing?

Worse.

Well, Ned's insurance covers it,

but we were thinking...

yeah, I don't pay you

to think, stats.

Oh. That's right.

I'll just gonna stand here

and be a girl.

Okay, dad. Dad. We got to figure

out a way to get rid of him.

You know, Ned is fully vested.

We don't have the authority.

Takes another surgeon

to do that.

It turns out Ned's son

is a surgeon, just like dad.

And he's interested.

You know, it's a beautiful thing

When a son wants to follow

in his father's footsteps.

Are you kidding me?

Oh, that.

I don't know what that is.

It's his head.

No... Oh!

Oh!

Oh, no! Rewind!

Rewind it! Rewind it!

I want to see that again.

What was that?

I don't know.

I think he was winking.

Oh, he's so ugly.

Aww, he's...

Don't say that!

He can hear you!

He can hear your voice.

He knows your voice.

He knows my voice?

Did you read any of the books

I gave you?

Do you listen to anything I say?

You gave me books.

Hey, read him a book right now.

Look it up.

Uh, okay.

The choices are "Anna Karenina,"

"Guns, germs, and steel,"

oh, "the human stain,"

Or "but not the hippopotamus"

by Sandra Boynton.

I think this is best.

"Guns, germs, and steel."

He might enjoy that.

"A hog and a frog

cavort in the bog,

But not the hippopotamus."

See?

Did you do that?

Was that a trick?

Yeah, I did that.

That foot.

Let's see.

"A cat and two rats

were trying on hats,

But not the hippopotamus."

Oh, my god.

Ow!

Don't tell your mother,

but one day, when you're older,

You and I are gonna

build a sailboat.

And I'm gonna take you

to my favorite spot,

And I am gonna teach you

how to sail.

Okay?

Knock twice if...

I think we may have

The next America's cup captain

right here.

Or a little alien pirate.

Okay, well, wait.

Let me help you.

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