Reunion

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REUNION:

Ouch ...

Why the hell don't they use

the mail slot like in the old days?

- Ouch.

- You okay?

It's just that cheap toilet paper

you keep buying. It cuts me up.

And why the damn mood lighting?

I can't see a bloody thing.

You wanna impress the girls?

Then turn down the gayness.

Shut up. The last time you scored,

a cell phone weighed twenty pounds.

Twenty-five ...

No, I just need some more light.

Did they boil the letters or what?

Really. They know they're writing

to people over the age of forty.

You read it.

"Dear Niels. To all the members

of our schools best year ever."

"It's now twenty-five years since

we graduated from high school."

"You are therefore invited to

a reunion with the old gang."

"You've each been given

an assignment.

"Yours is to give a speech

for the occasion."

"We look forward to seeing you.

PS:
Don't forget your cap."

A speech?

Christ ...

- Where are you?

- There.

Has it really been

twenty-five years already?

Sh*t, that's twice my whole life.

DESIGN AWARD:

Going swimming?

- No, it's just the toilet paper.

- Listen, Niels ...

Your design is impeccable as always.

A delight.

But, seriously,

it needs a little oomph.

What do you mean?

Some bling.

Some bling?

Gunnar, it's a handicap toilet.

Christ, I know that, but ...

Maybe we should let Jesper

jazz it up a bit.

Jesper?

What are you talking about?

Jazz!

It's a deal, then.

Take good care of your butt.

My uncle also thought it was

the paper, but he had anal cancer.

Hi, Niels!

It is you, right?

I didn't recognize you at first.

You've grown so old and ugly.

It's a good thing you were still hot

when I met you.

I'm just joking.

Are you saying

I couldn't pull you today?

- That's impossible to answer.

- Sure it isn't.

Imagine you've never seen me before

and I'll walk in.

- Are you ready?

- Yeah.

Here I come.

So, what do you think?

I think you need to stop obsessing

or you'll sprain your neck.

Jesus ...

Leave me alone!

I'm not going to that reunion.

What the hell am I supposed to

give a speech about?

You have hemorrhoids.

But that's quite normal

for men at our age.

We use a very coarse

brand of toilet paper at home.

Right.

Let me just have a feel ...

... a bit further up ...

... now that the cork is off,

so to speak.

Why don't we get better at things

as we grow older?

We get worse at seeing,

at hearing ...

... and taking a dump.

I can't get my finger out

when you're this agitated.

Thank you.

I'm writing you a prescription

for some ointment you can use.

Would it ...

Would it be possible

to get some antidepressants?

For you to take every day

for the rest of your life?

What do you want me to do then?

Apply a generous amount

of ointment two times a day.

And get it as far up as you can.

Thank you!

I never thought

I'd get to bang you again.

Again? Have we done it before?

Yeah. Don't you remember?

in the ladies' room,

on the changing table.

- Did you do something to your hair?

- No.

Oh, now I recognize you!

I'm off to bed. Come by if

you're in the mood. Laerke.

Guess who?

- Simone.

- So good to see you.

- That was one hell of a show.

- Really? Thanks.

When are you and I gonna do it?

- Do you mind?

- Chill out. The more the merrier.

What are you talking about?

That sounds fantastic, girls,

but no thanks.

See ya!

Or you can have me alone.

They can do those up for you

in Sweden.

Easy, boy. We're friends,

remember? That's right.

You've been here all night

and didn't wake me?

Where are you going?

Just popping down to the bakery

for some muffins and rolls.

Thomas?

And a Danish.

- Hey, Niels.

- Hi, Thomas.

You can take off the helmet

when you're not on the bike.

Sure, but it's important

to set a good example.

By wearing a helmet

when you're buying muffins?

Next, please.

Right, let me have ...

Five rolls.

This must be what it's like

being dead.

There you go.

How may I help you?

A ciabatta and four Italian rolls.

- Did you hear about Andreas?

- No.

It's insane.

There you go. Anything else?

Let's have four more.

Remember Hanne?

She got so into yoga

she totally neglected Andreas.

So he started

looking at other girls.

He got so addicted to porn

they decided to get counseling.

He doesn't turn me on anymore.

And even though

he started listening to her -

- and rubbing her neck instead of

jerking off, one day she said:

I've fallen in love

with somebody else.

With who?

With Karsten.

- The therapist?

- Yep. I know the guy.

- He's twenty nine.

- Sh*t ...

Anything else?

- What are those in the next basket?

- Spelt rolls.

- I don't want any more.

- Spelt rolls? Give me four of those.

Anyway ...

She got herself a pair of

ass antlers and left him.

He sees his son

every other week.

Twenty-five years down the drain.

Wow, he must really hate

that therapist.

Yup. And every other guy

under the age of thirty.

Now Andreas is obsessed

with finding a new girlfriend.

He can't stand being alone.

He probably won't be going

to the reunion either.

Do you mind?

It's not a public toilet.

Chill, dude.

You never been young?

Sure, but I didn't piss

all over the bakery!

It's f***ing disgusting!

Sure, it's disgusting,

but what the hell's eating you?

Thomas, do you remember

our last graduation party?

How we laughed

at our history teacher?

That's different. Look at Mick Jagger.

He's seventy and still playing.

Look at Michael Laudrup.

He's our age and not playing at all.

That schmuck retired way too soon.

You need to get out more.

To feel you're still alive.

- At the reunion, maybe?

- I told you, I'm not going.

You're going to that party

and so is Andreas.

What's the matter with you?

Is it the speech?

What am I supposed to say?

That I have hemorrhoids?

- I can't even pull my own wife.

- I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll go away for the weekend,

the three of us.

We'll go out, flirt with the ladies.

Next day we'll go to the reunion -

- and you give one hell of a speech.

Say yes. It'll work.

Your hemorrhoid ointment ...

Want me to put it in your sponge bag?

- Daddy ...

- Not now.

- It won't open.

- What is it?

My graduation cap.

The lock is busted.

Daddy? Daddy ...

Leave off with the damn glasses!

There! Thanks.

- You're welcome.

- I just needed some more light.

Daddy ...

- Daddy ...

- No way I'm wearing that.

Daddy? Daddy!

Wait a minute, goddammit!

Give me a moment's peace!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry ...

- I know.

- You know what?

It's hard for me to love you

when you keep hating yourself.

- Hey.

- Hiya.

- Not exactly a p*ssy wagon.

- No, but it's great for families.

- Hi, Laerke.

- Hi.

Here. You'll want something

to show your class-mates, too.

Right.

Have a nice trip.

Everything all right?

- Hi, Laerke.

- Hi, Andreas.

Hiya. Hi, Niels.

Are we off?

Take it easy.

Sorry.

- What's in the canister?

- Helium. I'm in charge of balloons.

I'm supposed to sing a song

and Niels is giving a speech.

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