Riding High Page #10

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on the counter, lady. It's painless.

At last we're back in action.

Pick a sucker.

It would be difficult

to pick one who wasrt.

Now, remember, all we make

goes to Broadway Bill.

I don't care what it's for,

as long as we work.

Maybe you'll get used

to the idea and like it.

Oh, there he is.

I never knew a fella could have so

much bad luck in one day, in all my life.

I'm sure my wife will give me

the dickens for this.

Our first victim,

and dripping with innocence.

Beautiful. Go get him.

Pick them and pluck them

Pick them and pluck them

If you had such bad luck

all the day long as I've had...

I don't know what I'm gonna tell

the old woman.

I beg your pardon, could I borrow

your pencil for a moment?

Oh, sure.

The ear.

- There you are, sir.

- Thank you.

Your attention, please.

Doughboy, number three,

is 2 pounds overweight.

- Pardon me, sir, do you own horses?

- What was that?

- Do you own horses?

- Well, naturally.

- Thank you.

- Colonel Snodgrass.

Colonel Snodgrass!

I've been looking all over for you.

The big boss says for you

to scratch your horse.

Scratch my horse?

What do you mean, scratch my horse?

It's gonna be a boat race.

They got it all set for...

- Oh, got him all set to win.

- He said to tell you and nobody else.

Thank you, sonny boy.

- Well, good day.

- Good... Pardon me, sir.

- Couldrt let a fella in on it, could you?

- On what?

On the name of the horse.

The one they've got all set to win.

Oh, no, no. I couldn't do that.

Oh, I've had awfully bad luck.

I haven't had a winner all day.

I'm sorry, my friend,

but these things are confidential.

If too many people wager,

it brings the odds down.

Oh, I won't bet too much,

just enough to kind of get even.

- Sorry, stranger. Sorry.

- Oh, gee whiz.

How would you like

the name of that horse?

- How would I like it? Say, listen...

- OK, It'll cost you $25.

- Twenty-five dollars!

- All right, forget it!

Just a minute. Don't get excited.

I'm taking a chance on losing my job,

ain't I?

Yeah, but that's

an awful lot of money.

Come on, make it snappy.

Somebody might see us.

There you are.

Now, what's the name of the horse?

- What?

- What's the name of the horse?

- Doughboy.

- Doughboy!

- Don't go spreading it around.

- Oh, you can trust me. I never talk.

Doughboy. Doughboy.

Doughboy. Doughboy. Doughboy.

Doughboy. I just got word

right from the stables.

Can't lose. Doughboy!

Bet all you got on Doughboy.

Doughboy. It's in the bag. It's all fixed.

They're gonna hit Doughboy.

Hock the family jewels

and bet it on Doughboy.

Give me a 150 bucks on Doughboy.

All the money my wife's

got in the world.

- How much will you give for this suit?

- Can't use it.

- Here, I milked him for 25.

- Excellent.

You know, it grieves me to see

the gullibility of the human race.

- What fleabag did you give him?

- Doughboy.

Doughboy. Why, Doughboy

hasn't the ghost of a chance.

- OK. Pick another sucker.

- Oh, a pleasure.

Pick them and pluck them

Pick them and pluck them

I beg your pardon, but could I

borrow your pencil for a moment?

Oh, I'll mark your program, sir.

Number three. Doughboy.

Can't lose, can't lose.

I got the lowdown

on the next race: Doughboy.

Doughboy on the schnoz.

He can't miss.

I just come from the stable.

Get down on him. Doughboy.

Doughboy will walk in.

The smart money's on Doughboy.

Doughboy's hot.

- Doughboy. Doughboy.

- Doughboy. Doughboy.

Twenty-five!

Twenty-five! Twenty-five!

Twenty-five!

Twenty-five dollars on Doughboy!

There they go!

Doughboy. Doughboy.

Doughboy.

Dough... Dough...

Where's Doughboy?

Bilked by my own chicanery.

I beg your pardon.

- Watch yourself. Watch yourself.

- Doughboy!

- Coming through.

- Doughboy!

Doughboy!

Doughboy!

- Whitey?

- Yes, miss.

Come here.

That's what you get

for using loaded dice.

- It was for a noble cause.

- Yes, I know. It's a mars job.

Well, today is ladies' day.

Here's $120.

You won that shooting craps,

you understand?

- I did?

- Yes. There'll be more tomorrow.

If you tell Mr. Brooks where that

came from, I'll fix your other eye.

I bet you would at that.

- Miss Alice?

- Yes?

I'm pulling for you.

Thanks, Whitey.

Men say there's nothing like the flavor

Don't wait to do your friends a favor

And for goodness' sake

Let's bake a sunshine cake

460, 470, 480...

I've never seen Alexander Hamilton

look so well.

480, 485, 490, 495.

- What comes after 495?

- Five hundred!

You are right, my friend.

And $10 to celebrate on.

Let me run through that

with my bare fingers.

To think that this vast fortune

was accumulated

with just the clever employment

of two little squares of ivory.

A toast to Whitey,

whose hand is quicker than his eye.

- To Whitey!

- Whitey.

My dear professor, even though your

share in this was as nebulous as mine,

your story about Doughboy

was so touching, we forgive you.

The first time I ever saw a guy

sucked in by his own gag.

- I was a victim of mass hypnosis.

- Yes, I'll say you were.

And to you, princess,

for your moral support, a kiss.

And now to the secretary's office

to deposit the $500 entry fee.

That done, we shall repair to the village,

where there shall be merrymaking,

dancing in the streets and carousing

in the cool of the evening.

- Get your coat, honey.

- Oh, I don't need it.

I've got your kiss to keep me warm.

Get a hen and join us.

We ought to bake us a sunshine cake

It does more good

Than a big, thick steak

- Start with a tablespoon of trouble

- Doughboy.

Then add a smile and let it bubble

Then add a smile and let it bubble

The owner told Clarence the clocker

The clocker told Jockey McGee

The jockey, of course

Passed it on to the horse

And the horse told me

If it's muddy or wet

Take the size of your bet

Divide by the size of the shoes

Add the age

Multiplied by the length of the stride

Providing you win

You can't lose

The owner told Clarence the clocker

The clocker told Jockey McGee

The jockey, of course

Passed it on to the horse

And the horse told me

Now, it was sunny and warm

And according to form

No nag could get near Maryjane

Well, now, when the weather is dry

She can take off and fly

So I bet

And it started to rain

Oh, shut up, will you?

The owner told Clarence the clocker

The clocker told Jockey McGee

The jockey, of course

Passed it on to the horse

And the horse told me

- Hey, No-Blood.

- Hello, pal.

- Here's a new one.

- What?

Tell the age of the beast

By his teeth and at least

His teeth in the paddock looked great

But the toothy old wretch

Stopped to sneeze in the stretch

But he won by a lost upper plate

The owner told Clarence the clocker

The clocker told Jockey McGee

The jockey, of course,

Passed it on to the horse

And the horse told me

Hey, I got one, wait for me.

Don't rush. No, I got one.

Hello, Shorts. What've you got?

I had 20 across

With no chance for a loss

- I even hocked all of my clothes

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