Road to Utopia

For those of you who

don't go to the movies,

let me introduce myself.

My name is

Robert Benchley.

Well, no matter.

For one reason or another,

the motion picture which

you are about to see...

is not very

clear in spots.

As a matter of fact,

it was made to demonstrate how

not to make a motion picture...

and at the same time

win an Academy Award.

Now, someone in what is

known as ''the front office''...

has thought that an

occasional word from me...

might help clarify

the plot and other vague

portions of the film.

Personally, I doubt it.

Shall we go?

It's 8:
00, Pa.

Bedtime.

Put down that paper.

In a minute, Ma.

In a minute.

Land's sakes, pa.

Sittin'there night after night

pouring your eyes out

over that old stock market.

Think by now

you'd be tired of it.

Well, 'tain't easy, ma,

to change the habits of a lifetime.

Lot of nonsense--all that

buyin'and sellin'-- Bulls and Bears.

Can't see how

a body can figure it out.

Right now it's

kind of bearish,

Ma, kind of bearish.

Come along,

it's 8:
00.

I'm not a child. I know

when it's time to go to bed.

Pa!

It's time.

Come on, Pa.

Doc says I can stay

up till half past.

I know, but by the time

we get your ears washed

and your teeth put away--

All right, I guess.

Here we go.

Look and see if

everything got up with me.

#For always #

Do you hear

what I hear?

I hope not.

That voice.

What voice?

Listen. What does it

sound like?

Who'd be sellin'

fish at this hour?

After 3 5 years--

Pa, you don't think--

Oh, no,

it couldn't be.

But it is. That voice.

I'd know it anywhere.

You would, huh?

Shuck and gosh darn it.

And I thought this was

gonna be an ''A'' picture.

Duke!

Sal!

Duke.!

Sal!

It isn't true.

I don't believe it.

Just got in from Alaska

and I came right to you.

Right from out

of the grave.

Nice diggin', hmm?

My, uh, nieces.

Girls, old friends of

your uncle's, the Hootons.

How do you do?

Just think, 3 5 years, Duke.

It doesn't seem possible.

Sal, let me look at you.

You're a sight for sore eyes.

And Chester,

you're a sight.

Don't forget a man is

just as young as he feels.

Take 'em away. The doctor

says I can't have 'em anymore.

You've got very little

to complain about.

You won the girl,

got the gold mine-- All this.

Things have surely

stacked up well for you.

Who's doin' your

stackin' lately?

Chester!

Girls, the Hootons and I

have a few things to discuss.

If you'll run along, Uncle will

meet you later at the club.

Nice goin',

''Uncle.''

Nice family tree and

the limbs ain't bad either.

Duke, tell us

all about Alaska.

We left you for dead.

How did you ever get away?

It's a long story.

I wouldn't want to bore you.

It's never

stopped you before.

Tell us.

You remember when

it all started.

Chester and I were

playing San Francisco.

The turn of the century.

There was gold in the Klondike

and San Francisco was wide open.

A million suckers just

waitin' to be clipped.

There was excitement

and adventure.

There was romance.

And one night, you remember,

there was murder.

This is a device

known as ''the flashback.''

Okay, George.

Gold!

Millions!

Open up.

What happened?

Sperry, McGurk...

the window.

What is it,

Mr. Lattimer?

They got it--

The map, your father's mine.

The police

will get them.

Never.

They're too smart.

But Mr. Lattimer--

Alaska--

Go to Skagway.

Ask for Ace Larson.

Ace Larson?

Where do I arrange my passage?

No time, lady.

Get it on board.

- Take it away,Joe.

- Right, Cap.

You better hurry,

we're shovin' off.

Thank you.

Take it away,

boys.

Hey, look!

We've gotta

get on that boat.

Too late, mister.

Next boat's tonight at midnight.

Extra.! Murder in Hotel Room.

Read all about it.

Map of Van Hoyden Mine Stolen.

Extra.! Read all about it.!

It's them!

Who?

Sperry and McGurk.

##

# Everybody here knows

Good Time Charlie #

# Charlie is

a perfect clown #

#Always kills the folks

with funny jokes #

#And turns the parlor

upside down #

# Everybody sure likes

Good Time Charlie #

# No one ever

saw him frown #

# But here's

the funniest part #

# Down deep

in his heart #

# He's the lonesomest

man in town #

Charlie, why are you on this

mad, mad merry-go-round?

Ha, ha, ha.

I'm your friend.

You can tell me,

Charlie.

You're wasting

your life away.

Someday you'll be

old and all alone.

Think it over.

You're not fooling me,

Charlie.

It's your childhood

sweetheart.

But you're a great,

great man.

Great to take it

the way you have.

You're doin' the

right thing. Laugh!

Ha, ha, ha.

Dance!

Play the fool!

# He's the lonesomest

man in town #

#The lonesomest

man in town #

Three, a-two,

a-three, a-four.

# He's always

good for a laugh #

# But...

you don't know the half #

# He's only

happy-go-lucky #

#Till the lights

are turned down #

#Then he's the lonesomest

man in town ##

And now, to go from the

super to the supernatural,

we bring you

''Ghost-O,''

the most amazing

novelty game of the age,

stolen at great personal risk...

from the high priest of

the Lost Tribe of Darkest Anesthesia...

and brought to these shores by

that great oriental mystic...

and secret Hindu potentate,

professor Hakin Zambini.!

And now, ''Ghost-O''...

and the man who

has brought fortunes to

thousands of lucky people,

professor Zambini.

Holy Toledo!

Holy Toledo!

Bushwa.

Silence, dear friends.

I shall attempt to

contact the other world.

Master, shall

I remove myself?

The spirit will

do it for us.

Ala-kaballa, presto-sturgando,

double-forzando.

Silence!

Silence, dear friends.

I feel the presence

of spirits in the room.

What I do

for money.

Matoom-bomba.

Diddy-wa-diddy matoom-bomba.

Diddy-wa-diddy, ester-chay.

The oint-jay is ull-fay of ump-chays--

Ump-chays--

There's one here, too.

Spirits,

are you with us?

Are you there?

Am I there?

Where can I go?

- Are you there?

- If I was, I wouldn't be here.

Spirits,

are you with us?

That's the spirit!

We have made contact.

To prove it, I shall have

the spirit do my bidding.

Spirit, lift the table.

Spirit, lift.!

The flesh is willing but

the spirits are weak.

However, we shall proceed

with the magic game of Ghost-O.

Taking this

fabulously jeweled box,

I shall place

a five-dollar bill therein,

close the

box regretfully,

incant a few magic

words thereover,

and gamble upon the

generosity of the spirits.

Matoom-bomba Ester-chay,

willet-gay under-day

dwit-ay matoom-bomba.

What have we here?

A crisp ten-dollar bill.

Indeed, the spirits

are generous tonight.

Why am I monopolizing

this lucrative phenomenon?

Who among you would

like to try for 1 0,

20, 30 dollars--

any small amount?

I'll try

for a dollar.

A dollar? An assignment

for one of the smaller spirits;

however, a buck is a buck and

the spirits are always in there.

Matoom-bomba

matoom a-double-bomba.

A crisp new

five-dollar bill.

Five for one. Here you are.

Who among you shall be next?

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