Road Trip

(Man) Welcome to the University

of Ithaca. This is it, right here.

I'm gonna give you a good tour today.

Show you as much as you need to know.

This is the main area

of the university.

You'll be getting used to this area.

This is sort of where you congregate.

Come in around me. Keep close.

I've had problems

with stragglers before, OK?

They get lost in the back

and hit by trucks, OK?

It's not pretty. This is the...

By the way, this is the Joseph

H Nelson Memorial Library here, OK?

It was built, uh...

It was built, uh, in the 1600s.

(Sniggering)

That's the address. OK? Wise-ass.

That's the psychology department.

You're expected to volunteer for

cutting-edge experimental testing.

Kind of cool.

When it's your turn, remember

to wear loose clothes, no metal,

and be prepared to receive several

heavy doses of electric current.

They're watching us right now.

Over there

is the department of English.

Most of you speak English already

so we can skip that.

- How long have you been here?

- Eight years.

(All laughing)

You don't seem to know anything.

This is the worst tour ever.

It's the worst school ever.

Doesn't anything cool happen?

Yeah, cool stuff happens.

This university

is the coolest place in the world.

That's because

he's never been anywhere else.

(All laughing)

Go ahead, laugh all you want.

But the fact is, this is the setting

for the greatest story ever told.

OK?

It's about this guy I knew,

Josh Parker,

and his girlfriend, Tiffany.

It's one of the most

fascinating journeys ever.

'Josh and Tiffany

were always together,

'starting from when they were little.

'They did everything as a team.

'When Tiffany was 10,

she had her tonsils taken out.

'Josh stayed in the hospital

for three days.

'They were best friends.

'What started out as friendship...

'blossomed into some serious French

kissing and lots of heavy petting.

'They spent so much time together

that even their dogs started dating.

'They seemed destined

to be together forever.

'But after high school, they faced

the most challenging challenge ever -

'a long-distance relationship.

'See, while Josh was enrolled here at

the wonderful University of Ithaca,

'Tiffany went off to

veterinary school in Austin, Texas.

'But they made a pact,

a promise to stay true to each other,

'to talk every day and maintain

an exclusive relationship.'

That turned out to be more difficult

than either of them ever imagined.

Tiffany! Hey, baby.

Oh, my God.

You were amazing last night.

- I never ever came like that before.

- Come on!

Seriously! I had to take

two birth control pills today.

You wanna help me study

again tonight??

Forget tonight. Come over now.

Let's blow this class off.

(Gasps)

(Ringing)

'Tiffany and Carla can't come to the

phone but please leave a message.'

- (Beep)

- Hey, Tif, it's me...again.

Just wonderin' where you are.

Still trying to get hold of you.

Everything's cool, though.

I'll catch you later.

Call me back, OK? OK. Bye.

I just wanted to add something

before I sent this video.

I haven't talked to you

in a few days and...

I'm thinking you don't like me...

I'm kidding.

Hey, guys.

But I am getting a little worried so

gimme a call when you get a chance.

Barry says hi.

So gimme a call

as soon as you can. I miss you.

- Call me, OK? Bye.

- (Laughing)

- What's up, guys?

- Not much. You?

I was just finishing my tape to Tif.

(Barry) Mitch, what are you doing?

Are you hungry? Huh?

- You gonna feed him?

- No, I'm checking the temperature.

Mitch needs an evenly distributed

Can I drop a mouse in?

Mitch only eats once a week,

on Saturdays.

Maybe we could cut a mouse in half,

and we could feed him half now

and the other half on Saturday.

I don't think so.

I thought you had class now?

What time is it?? Oh, sh*t!

Do me a favour -

when this is rewound, mail it for me?

- No problem. Leave it there.

- Thanks, man.

- See you guys later.

- Bye.

Can we please feed him now?

No. If you overfeed him he could die.

So? It'll be worth it.

- Josh, hey.

- Beth, hey.

- What's goin' on?

- Not much.

- Where have you been?

- Nowhere.

Studying. I'm starting

to question this college thing.

There's so much reading.

- Right. (Chuckles)

- Yeah.

- You going to EL's tonight??

- Yeah.

(Josh) I gotta run,

class has started.

- I'll see you tonight.

- Yeah. Sorry.

So, you have a thing

for that guy now, is that it??

- It's not your business, Jacob.

- I can tell.

- I'm not having this conversation.

- What conversation?

You need to stop this.

We're not a couple.

We've never been a couple,

and never will.

(Professor) This week

I'd like you to think about

Plato's Dialogues

of the middle years.

"The Republic", "Phaedo",

"Symposium".

Now, this will all be

on next week's mid-term,

so I suggest you read up on it.

Ah, Jacob,

do you have anything to add?

Just a reminder.

The mid-term will cover

all of the in-class lectures

as well as

all of the assigned readings.

It will be entirely essay form,

so bring legal pads.

I prefer yellow.

It's easier on the eyes.

OK. OK? Yeah. Thank you, Jacob.

And...see you all next week

for the mid-term.

- Josh.

- Yes?

I saw you hitting on Beth.

NOT a good idea.

- She's spoken for.

- What??

She'll come back to me.

They always do.

So... Mr Parker.

Do you intend

to be ready for this exam?

- Yes, sir.

- Well, you better be ready.

Because I was

looking over the books last night

and you need a B on this test

just to pass this class.

Actually,

I double-checked that, Professor.

He needs a B+.

We can't bend on this.

I got it.

- Just copy off someone.

- I can't. It's all essays.

If I fail this class,

my average is shot.

I might lose my financial aid

or not be allowed back.

Well, you're f***ed, then.

So come to my party, hook up

with Beth, and enjoy your last week.

I'm not hooking up with anyone.

I'm invested in this relationship.

Invested? Who are you, Charles

Schwab? Listen to yourself!

I would give my life...

for one evening

of consensual sex with that girl.

I've gone this long without cheating.

You're already cheating!

Any time you pass up sex

you cheat yourself.

The window of opportunity

to drink and do drugs

and take advantage

of young girls is shrinking daily.

I gotta make a call.

I'm telling you, you pass this up,

it'll haunt you forever.

Your dick will never forgive you.

What do you think, man? Don't you

want to experience something new?

(Squeaky voice)

It ain't easy being Josh's penis.

We've been here two months,

and I feel like I'm in a coma.

- Stop it.

- I wish I was your dick, EL.

If something doesn't happen soon,

I'm gonna leave.

- Enough.

- (Girl) 'Hello? '

Carla, it's Josh. Sorry to bother

you, is Tiffany around?

Tiffany is not here.

She didn't sleep here

last night...again.

And it would be great

if for one hour you didn't call.

- Right.

- If she wanted to talk to you

she'd call you.

Deal with it.

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