Road Trip Page #2

- You b*tch!

- Does she sound hot??

We've never gone this long

without talking. Something's wrong.

She found someone else,

like you should.

The clock is ticking. Before you know

it you'll be 40 and paying for girls.

# She good-looking

got a mojo cooking

# Yeah, wouldn't give me

the time of day

# But if my occupation

was stars and constellations

# We could get together

in the Milky Way

# And everybody wanna know somebody

# Everyone wants to drop your name

# You need no reservation

no special invitation

# No college education

if you've got fortune and fame... #

Oh, yeah! Whoo-hoo!

I should really warn you,

it's been known to affect

your decision-making abilities

and lower your inhibitions.

Good. That's the plan.

No, that-that's...

Yes, that is the plan.

- You bring cash?

- Why?

- We've got chicks for sale.

- What??

# Hey, now I'm snappy

got my mojo... #

Trust me. I've been goin'

to this school seven years

and I know the key

to a well-rounded college education

is experimentation.

Let me show you.

This is an auction. Remember...

you are not buying the girl,

only her company, and sale does not

constitute sexual relations.

(Groaning)

(EL) I know. Believe me, I've tried.

Without further ado,

let's introduce our first...person.

- Laura!

- (Applause)

Laura's from Long Island.

She likes the outdoors

and loves seafood.

- OK, let's start the bidding at $5!

- $3.50!

Good God, moneybags,

she's not a Happy Meal.

(Laughter)

- $5.

- OK, we've got five. Do I hear 10?

- 10 bucks.

- (Auctioneer calling)

Who's got 15 bucks

for a lovely evening with Laura?!

OK, we got 15. Who can beat 15?

Going once, going twice...

Sold...to the captain.

(Applause)

There you are.

- Hey, what's going on?

- Not much.

- You look great.

- Thank you.

You're welcome.

Listen, Jacob's here,

and he's a total psycho...

Can you go outbid him?

You know what,

I didn't bring that much money.

You don't understand. He's obsessed.

See? That's fun, right??

OK, PK. Now, I want you two

to kiss each other.

All right, has anyone seen Beth?

There she is!

- (Cheering)

- Say hi to the crowd, Beth.

Hi.

Can I hear a $5 opening bid?

- $5 right here!

- Who can beat five?

- Seven.

- $10.

- $10! Going once. Going twice.

- $15!

- 20.

- 25!

- Going twice.

- 26.

- 26, going once.

- 30!

- OK, can anyone beat $26?

- I just said 30!

There must be someone

who can beat $26?

- Me, right here! 30!

- Sold! To my man Josh for $26.

(Applause)

You heard me.

I bid $30 loud and clear.

Your bid didn't count.

- Why?

- Because you're a TA.

- So?

- This auction is for students.

Goodbye.

# On and on until the early morning

# They're rockin' on and on

until the early morning... #

(Beth giggles)

Thanks for doing that. I owe you one.

- You owe me more than one.

- Do I?

Technically.

Well...

are you ready to collect?

I think so. Yeah.

We're touching.

It's a lot of fun. (Chuckles)

- We're having a good time.

- (Chuckles)

(Romantic music)

Who's Tiffany Henderson?

Just some girl I used to date

since I was, like, five.

But that's over now. She blew me off.

Oh, poor baby.

You must be very hurt.

Do you need some special attention?

Well, I am pretty upset.

Did that help?

That helped a lot.

I have an idea.

What do you say?

Uh, I don't think so.

Come on! It'll be fun.

- I've always wanted to try this.

- No...

Yes.

I'm gonna interview you.

Fine.

OK.

- OK, Josh.

- Yes.

What do you look for in a girl??

Um, well, let's see.

She should be smart and funny and...

That's good, too.

Do you feel better yet??

I feel a little bit better.

Yeah. A little...

What else do you look for??

She should be attractive and...

nice and...

Topless. And topless.

And she should kiss me.

What else?

She shouldn't stop kissing me.

Why don't you keep doing that??

# Tiny salmon swimming in a stream

# Tiny salmon

chasing that impossible dream

# The mynah bird says

(Caws)

(Caws)

# The chimpanzee says

(Screeches)

# The friendly owl says

(Hoots)

# But the salmon can only say

(Blubbers)

# And it's sad #

(Hums cheerfully)

# Good morning, everyone.

# Good morning, everyone.

# How are you and you and you #

What are you so happy about??

I don't know.

Do I seem happy this morning?

Well, you're bouncing around here.

You do seem

unusually light-hearted.

Maybe it's because I had

the best time of my life last night.

Twice! And once this morning.

You and Beth?

- Oh, yeah.

- Shut up. What happened?

No way! You're lying.

I'm not lying.

You can't make out with someone

then pretend you had sex.

- That's really uncool.

- I'm not pretending.

Forget it. I know you're lying.

I guarantee it.

You wanna bet??

Great. I'm gonna bet

on something you can't prove.

You videotaped it!

No, no, no, I didn't!

Gimme that! Gimme that!

- No way! This is amazing!

- I was kidding, I was kidding!

- Gimme the tape.

- Huh? Come on.

- We're gonna see it sooner or later.

- He's got a point.

Oh-ho! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Give it to me. No, give it to me.

- EL, no.

- Josh, please? We need this.

OK, listen, seriously.

You can't tell anyone you saw this.

Oh, yeah.

OK. PK!

Barry, hit the lights.

It's boner time!

'Hey, Tif. It's me

coming to you live from Ithaca.'

I thought I asked you

to mail this yesterday?

Yeah, you did. I mailed it today.

Fast-forward to the horny stuff.

Is this the sh*t

you've been sending Tiffany?

Oh, my God.

# It's you... #

Oh, f***!

Oh, my God! No, no, no, no.

Oh, God!

W-wait a second.

Tell me you mailed

the Beth tape to Tiffany.

Yes!

Sh*t! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Hey, hey.

Did you make a copy?

If you made a copy,

we could watch the copy.

(Rings)

Don't answer it!

(Answer machine) 'Hey, it's

Josh and Rubin. Leave a message.'

'Hi, Josh. It's Tiffany.

'Sorry we haven't spoken.

'Listen, my grandfather passed away.

'I've tried calling you

a few times, but no one picked up.

'I didn't want to leave

this message on your machine

'but by now you're probably

a little worried so...

'Anyway, I'm at my parents'

house helping my mom.

'She's really a wreck.

'If I don't speak with you,

I'll call Monday.

'I'll be OK. I just need some time.

'Bye. I love you.'

(Dialling tone)

That's not fair.

How come she gets to see the tape

and we don't??

She gets back there Monday.

That leaves three days to get there.

Get where? Austin?

- That's like 10,000 miles from here.

- 1,800.

You wanna drive 1,800 miles

in three days? Just fly.

Do you have money for a ticket??

I don't.

- All right, so we're driving.

- You're coming?

What else am I gonna do,

stay here and learn?

Road trip.

(Behind door) Just a minute. Hold on.

He's probably jackin' off.

What do you guys want??

Kyle, this is an emergency.

Wait. Let me at least

go back and call my dad.

Call your dad?

Would you listen to yourself?

You're 19 years old,

and you're a f***ing sissy.

All you ever do is sit

in a library and play Myst.

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