Robin Williams: Come Inside My Mind

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1

Robin Williams:

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's time to pump neurons.

We are about

to enter the domain

of the human mind.

James Lipton:

How do you explain

the mental reflexes

-that you deploy

with such awesome speed?

-(whistles)

Are you thinking faster

than the rest of us?

-What the hell is going on?

-(audience laughs)

(cheers, applause)

Jesus.

(laughing)

"What is it

about your mind?

"What is it that does

this thing to you?

Try to explain yourself!"

(squeaks)

Comes from a deep

part inside myself

that was actually looking

for my mother,

but yet I saw that moment

when she looked up there,

and I went, "Okay,

I'll be funny for her.

Okay, that's fine,

work that way."

Come back from that,

realize after a while

that I want to be accepted.

"You like me.

You really like me."

No, it's not that.

I can be trained.

I can show you

how intelligent I am.

I can use a word

like "delicatessen"

and know

what it means.

(laughter)

Or "invertebrate."

Or "inveterate."

(chuckles)

Or "degenerate."

(skeevy laugh)

-But all of that...

-(audience laughter)

...is all part of it,

because it's all

part of the mind

that actually

flows like that,

because I realize

that the human mind is

a three-and-a-half

pound gland

that pumps neurons constantly

and deals with itself

by responding to stimulus.

That's what we're

designed to do,

evolving slowly.

Even Darwin's going,

"I have hopes!

I had such high hopes!"

It's all part of it,

because I believe

the human mind is

adapting and evolving

slowly but surely

but I'm trying

not to speak that fast,

because eventually,

you have to catch up.

Lipton:

Wow.

Larry Grobel:

Do you have any fears?

Robin:

I guess it'd be that fear

that if I felt like

I was just becoming...

not just dull, but a rock.

That I still

couldn't spark.

Then I'd start

to worry.

Where are my glasses?

-They're on your face.

-Oh. Thank you.

Robin:

What you do is kind

of keep yourself fresh.

You don't burn out.

That's a never-ending struggle.

-We didn't have water when

I was growing up, Dave.

-Letterman:
Is that right?

My mother and father would have

to take hydrogen and oxygen

and shove it together.

-Made your own water. Wow.

-Made our own water!

Isn't it interesting

in the '80s, you meet

someone you like,

you say, "Gosh, Helen, I--

I really care about you.

Can I have

some blood and urine?"

And you think eventually--

you think sex will

eventually be...

(blows)

"Uh, Helen,

I'm in the airlock now."

"Fine, Harry,

leave the sperm in the tray.

I'll get it tomorrow."

Inappropriate anecdotes

on a celebrity talk show.

So I said, "Get off me,

Grandma. I'm done."

Famous Hollywood roles

as played by Carol Channing.

(mimics Channing)

"Well, surely you must be

the Son of God."

(audience cheering)

Robin:

This is Elmer Fudd

sings Bruce Springsteen.

(mimics Elmer)

I'm dwiving in my caw

I tuwn on the wadio

I pull you

a wittle cwoser

You say no

You say

you don't wike it...

Robin:

Risking, for me,

it's always been

kind of part of the thing

of just trying different

things.

It's the process of the work

peeling away again,

you think you're great,

and then something

comes along

and goes,

"You're not that hot."

But it's always that thing that

keeps you moving forward.

Cameraman:

I'm sorry, you have two hairs--

There's... hairs are

sticking up.

-Oh sh*t, man.

-(laughter)

How f***ed up is that?

Hair is sticking up?

(gasps)

Sh*t. We have

to do it all over now.

This is bullshit.

Two hairs?

F*** you, man.

We were into a groove.

Two hairs.

Blow me, dude!

Two hairs. I can see you

looking at the monitor going,

"Can someone..."

Bob, normally, it's usually

like a mic shadow,

but two f***ing hairs?

Jesus Christ.

Is it okay now, Bob?

Now, we'll start again.

It's better that

we go again.

Take two...

without

the two hairs.

You want to start again?

Shall we go from the top?

I was so f***ing quiet.

My father was

kind of very intense.

He was always on the road,

because he was working

for Ford Motor Company.

He had to go back and forth

all over the Midwest

to take care of all

of these dealerships.

But every time

he came back,

he would bring me

some kind of--

like a small car

or a tank

or something,

and I'd be like,

"Dad's home!"

So that was

my connection

with my father.

My mother was

a comedy maven.

She was very entertaining.

Just seeing her being funny

with other people.

I think that was

the major thing.

We were moving a lot

because of my father.

We lived in this big place

for a while in Detroit.

This huge house.

I was lonely.

There were

no friends around.

I was an only child,

raised by,

basically, the maid

for a long time.

(in different voices)

-Some toys to play.

-Look at me!

-One for the campfire.

-I want the green planet.

-Mine!

-Give it to me!

Give it to me!

-Help me! Help me!

-Come along, dear.

Daddy, I can't carry bags.

Bags heavy.

(normal voice)

I went to an all-boys

private school.

I was as serious

a student as you could be,

you know, cum laude society

and the whole thing.

And an athlete.

I remember the motto

of my private school was

(speaks Latin)

"In sound mind,

in sound body."

It's a bit like the school

in Dead Poet's Society,

and I was one

of the students going, yes.

Jack Parr (on TV):

The wild, wild man,

my friend Jonathan Winters.

-

-(audience applauds)

Robin:

I saw my father watching

The Tonight Show,

with Jonathan Winters.

My dad was a sweet man

but not an easy laugh.

Jonathan Winters (on TV):

I did a thing that, uh,

a lot of us... probably

would like to do.

Maybe a few

of us don't.

I don't know.

I'll just have to ask you:

Did you ever undress

in front of a dog?

(audience laughs)

Robin:

My dad lost it, and I went,

"Who is this guy?

You made the great

white father laugh."

Do something with a stick.

Watch him do

a routine with the stick.

You can give him anything.

(whooshing)

Well, that was

a pretty good cast,

wasn't it, Bob?

I think we're onto something

this time. Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry, Margaret.

Try to swim in.

Doctor, I'm not kidding.

I seen them beetles,

and this is one

of their feelers.

(laughter)

Thoop.

The United Nations...

now recognizes the delegate

from NASA-Land.

(hums)

-Oh! Mr. Williams!

-Elmo.

What are you gonna

do with that stick?

Oh, there's lots of things

you can do

with a stick, Elmo.

Hey, you maybe

could be playing

hockey with it.

(whooshing)

Yeah, I been goalie now

for about three years,

and it hasn't affected me.

Maybe it could be

like a baton.

(imitating Lawrence Welk):

There you are,

conducting a full orchestra.

Thank you, Madonna,

for that lovely lingerie melody.

I better go back.

We'll never be able

to do that.

(laughter)

I realize.

Or it could be a cane.

(mimics Ronald Regan)

Well, Nancy and I

are just happy

to be here.

Or you can play Pinocchio:

The Home Game.

I have two

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