Rockula

1

- Hi.

Hi.

' Ah!

- Ralph.

This place is a mess.

- Mom, I'm trying to practice.

- Well honey could you do me a favor

and lock up tonight?

I got a date with a very nice man.

- Who is it this time mom?

- Well I'm not sure yet but I will know

him when I see him.

Oh.

I always forget.

- Mom, I've always meant to ask you,

how do you put your makeup on?

- Practice.

- Ralphie, how do I look?

- You look great, mom.

- 00o, that's why I love my Ralphie.

My boy, my boy, mama boy.

- Hey Ralph-

Ralphie.

- What do you want?

- Come here and talk to me.

How's it hangin'?

- Is that all you wanted?

To ask me, "How's it hangin'?"

- Come on Ralphie, I'm worried about you.

A couple of hours it's

gonna be Friday the 13th.

Let me guess, you have a headache, right?

- Right, and a sore throat, too.

- And you think you're

coming down with the flu

or something really serious, right?

- Right, I just can't go

through with this again.

- Let me see your tongue.

Come on.

Nah, it doesn't look too bad.

Is that a new retainer?

- Yeah, it hurts like heck.

- I'm sorry.

I know, this legend thing is tough.

Let's take a moment and reflect.

Reflect!

Get it?

Mirror, reflect.

God, I kill myself.

- Reflect, real funny.

Sometimes I really hate that guy.

What am I saying?

He's me.

I guess that means I hate myself.

Why am I confused?

Vampires are so misunderstand.

- Well you gotta admit, they

got a bloodthirsty reputation.

- Do I look bloodthirsty?

I can't stand the sight of

blood, I swear, I faint.

- What about garlic?

- I cook with it all the time.

It's good for colds.

Did you know that?

- Let me see if I can get this straight.

Around the middle of

the 16th century, you--

- 17th, right?

- Right.

- Whenever.

A long time ago.

You met this girl, you fell in love.

But there was a problem,

she had a boyfriend.

- A pirate.

- A pirate?

- Pirate.

- Whatever.

Now, she loved you, right?

So you were gonna slip off, get married,

when old peg leg finds out, has a sh*t fit

and comes after you.

- Pissed as hell.

- I just established his mental state.

So there's a fight.

Peg leg loses his sword

and what's her name

gets killed by a blow to

the head with a ham bone?

- Mona.

Her name was Mona.

- Whatever.

You tried to save her,

but what could you do

in the face of 20 pissed

off pirate friends

of peg leg's, who were going to turn you

into bat meat and so you beat it.

- He escaped

by the skin of his teeth.

- Right.

And since she was killed before you could

fulfill your preordained lot--

- Before he could give

her that final, fatal kiss

and turn her into a vampire.

- Whatever.

She is now reincarnated every 22 years

until you two can get it right, right?

- Right.

- And so tomorrow you are gonna meet her

as you've done every 22 years,

you'll fall in love,

and unless you save her,

this crazed pirate with a

rhinestone peg leg will kill her.

- On Halloween.

- You got it.

- What are you gonna do?

- I'm gonna do what I

should have done years ago.

I'm gonna lock myself in my room

and avoid this whole thing.

- Well, you're not gonna meet her?

- You're not gonna fall in love?

- She's better off without me.

- Man, that dude's sure got the blues.

Mm mm mm.

- He just ran out in front of us.

- Look he's moving.

- Are you alright?

- Oh god, Mona.

- Why don't you watch where you're going?

I could have, how did you know my name?

- I don't know your name.

You don't know my name.

Just pretend this never happened, okay?

- It never would have

happened if you hadn't

jumped out in front of my car.

I hope for your sake

my gear isn't crashed.

- Just forget you ever saw

me, okay, 'cause the next

thing you know, we're

gonna go out on a date

and we're gonna fall in love

and then some crazy pirate's

gonna peg with you a ham bone.

- HEY-

You forgot your hat.

- What a weirdo.

- What?

- You ran away from her didn't you?

- For your information,

I didn't just run away,

I had a plan.

- Really?

And what was that?

- I ran, I left, so she

doesn't get involved with me.

She doesn't get involved with

me, we don't fall in love,

she doesn't die, get it?

- Make a left at MIT, Einstein.

- It's about this, Mr. Wise Guy.

This happens every 22 years so that means

in the last 400 years, I

have met, fallen in love,

and lost Mona 14.5 times.

- Talk about coitus interuptus.

- And every time it gets worse.

This time, no way, forget it.

- That's right.

Forget it, just forget

the fact that we are

the oldest living virgins

walking the planet.

- What are you talking about?

You are the biggest slut I know.

Every time I see you

with a different girl.

- They mean nothing to me, Ralph.

It's Mona.

I want you to get Mona.

That means I get out of

this crazy mirror thing.

It's like a prison in here, Ralph.

Everything's backwards.

- I knew it, I knew it.

This is about you, this

is always about you.

- Wrong, Ralphfalfa.

It's about you.

Because any way you look at it,

she's got two weeks 'til

she bites the big one.

- What's wrong?

- Nothing.

I was just thinking

about the accident and--

- Did somebody say accident?

- Yeah.

We had an accident.

- Just set it up over there.

What kind of an accident?

None of my equipment's damaged, I hope.

You know, I got a hell

of a deal on this stuff.

When you're working with a guy like me,

that's what we're talking, deals.

Let me just show you this little gizmo.

This is the most amazing device.

It samples anything from babies crying

to dogs barking.

Hey, what's the matter with this thing?

It wasn't this that got broken, was it?

- Broken?

- In the accident.

- Stanley, it's not broken.

Besides, it was a car accident.

We're trying to rehearse.

- Car accident?

Nobody killed I hope.

Hit it boys.

Howdy folks, Stan "The Man' Wilson here

from Stanley's Deathpark

where we take the death

out of dying.

This Sunday marks our Heaven on Earth sale

and let's face it folks,

it's a sale that some of you

aren't going to miss.

Take a look at this baby,

the streamlined Death 2000,

our top of the line.

This week, yours for only $1995.

A little steep, do I hear you say?

Then how about going Dutch on our

eternal economy model, only

$100 over factory invoice.

How do we do it?

Volume, volume, volume.

So, bring the family, come on

down and while you're here,

check out our revolutionary

cryogenic process.

Open 12 to 12 for your

shopping convenience.

See ya here.

Listen, I directed it myself, you know?

So, uh, what do you think, angel cakes?

- I thought it was kind of cute.

- Ralphie, is that you?

- Drat.

Hi, mom.

- It's about time you got home.

I was getting worried about you, honey.

Could you give me a hand with this?

- Sure.

You been here long?

- Oh, Heaven's no.

I've been here, I mean,

we've been here, for hours.

- Who's we?

- I've almost located the Spanish galleon.

It's close.

I can feel it.

- Great, Jacques Cousteau.

- Just follow that trail

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