Rockula Page #2

of deblooms, Big Al.

Ah.

Big Al, this is my brother, Ralph.

- Big Al Johnson, scrap iron, St. Louis.

- I'm Little Ralph Levee.

- So what's your game Little Ralph?

- Game?

- Yeah, what do you do?

- I'm a vampire.

You make me sick.

- What?

I'm clean.

This is, no, not now, no.

1--

- I'll deal with you later.

I was just going to bed mom,

could you hit the light?

- In a minute.

So.

Tell me about your night.

- There's nothing to tell.

- Come on, honey, I know what day it is.

You met her, didn't you?

- I didn't meet her.

I told you, I've had it with

the legend ruining my life

every 22 years.

- Ralphie, where's your hat?

- I must have lost it in the car acc--

Card, card game.

I lost it in a card game, mom.

- Well, okay.

It's your legacy.

You can do anything you want with it.

But whether you've met her or not,

that poor girl is gonna die in two weeks

unless you do something about it.

Honey.

Go to sleep.

- HEY-

' No!

- HEY-

- Is it true that you've

forsaken your legacy

and the girl of your dreams?

- What?

No.

- Ralph, what are you doing?

Ralph, answer me.

- I'm gonna find her.

- And do what?

- What do you think?

I'm gonna save her.

- Yeah, I've heard that song before.

- No, no, it's different.

I just have this feeling

that if I don't save her

this time, I'm gonna lose her forever.

You're no exactly playing

major league ball now.

What are you?

Zero for fourteen.

Oh excuse me, is it 15 now?

- You're a total

dick you know that?

- You're gonna go out in the sunlight?

- I'm protected.

- Brave man.

How you gonna find her?

- She's in a band.

How hard could she be to find?

- Ralph, there must be 15,000

bands in the tri-state area.

That's a lot of ground.

How are you gonna cover it?

- I'm a vampire, I'll fly.

- No, no, no!

Ow! OW! ow, ow, ow.

- I think I'll take the bus.

- What a loser.

Hey Ralphie, you wanna play some hoop?

Have you seen a yellow

brick road around here?

- Do you think I'm doing the right thing?

- What do you mean?

- I mean, maybe I wasn't

meant to find Mona.

Maybe this is just some

sort of karmic debt

I'm Paving off.

Maybe my first instincts were right.

Maybe I should just forget

about this whole thing

and join a monastery.

But, what about Mona?

What sort of everlasting

hell am I damning her to?

Mai/be, no, yeah, no.

I should be strong.

I'll be strong.

- HEY-

Would you make up your mind?

I'm feeling like Sonny and Cher here.

That's better.

I wonder if, uh...

Ralph, would you look at the size of this?

- Oh Christ, would you

put that thing away?

Listen.

If you were meant to find Mona, you will.

If you weren't you won't, so relax.

See what I mean?

- Oh my god,

That's him.

- That's who?

Where?

- Stay here.

Who are you?

- I'm Ralph.

I like your music.

It's kind of wild, kind of now, kind of--

- Why are you following me?

- I'm not following you.

- Yes you are.

- Okay, I'm following you.

I'm a big fan of yours from way back.

- Who are you?

- I told you, I'm Ralph--

- No, I mean, what do you do?

Are you a musician?

- YES.

- Do you have a band?

0" do YOU play by yourself?

- Um, yes.

- Yes, what?

- Yes, I have a band.

- What's the name?

- The name.

- Of the band.

- Um.

We haven't decided yet.

- Oh, um, well what kind of music?

- Well the music, we're

not sure yet what it is.

- Well,

do YOU play around?

- Excuse me?

- Your band, are you

playing any gigs anywhere?

-- Gigs, yes, all the time,

lt's amazing, yeah, yeah.

- You are very strange, Ralph.

- Mona, darling, I've got

some terribly important people

just dying to meet you.

Will you excuse us?

- Yeah.

- Um, it was so nice to see you again.

Maybe I'll come see your band sometime.

- Maybe.

- Who is that twerp?

- Hey hey little man.

Can I help ya?

- No, I'm enjoying this party--

- Hey, what's this?

Ouch!

- Bounce him.

- Now let me get this straight.

You decided to find her.

- And once you found her?

- I turned into a blithering idiot.

There was a moment there,

when she was onstage,

and our eyes locked,

it was like time stood still, you know?

What is wrong with me?

I am a musician, and a

pretty darn good one at that.

- So, what happened?

- Let's face it, I don't

have what it takes.

How can I save her if I

can't even talk to her?

"Maybe I'll see your

band sometime" she says.

What a joke.

- Why don't you--

- Why don't you--

Start my own band.

- You're doing what?

Starting a rock band?

A vampire in a rock band.

What are you going to call it?

Rockula?

- Rockula?

- Rockula.

- Like, um,

'cause just like my psychic says,

death, right, is just a

stepping stone to rebirth.

I mean, I think it was

Nietzsche that said I'm just

"Living to die and dying to live."

- Nietzsche said that?

- Yeah, you know, Johnny Nietzsche,

in that band, uh, Marvin

Gandhi and the Monkeyshines.

New age reggae.

- You're such a dork, Stanley.

- You take that back.

- Okay -.

You're an egotistical,

pseudo-intellectual,

money grubbing slut.

- I'll buy that.

- Hey!

Thank you!

I'm Ted Brady, this is Club

Hell, thanks for coming, kids.

You kids, you kids, are rock 'n roll,

you are the rock 'n roll,

and this kid is Rockula.

- Some chow mein and a bowl

of steamed rice, please.

Thank you.

- Where's Mona?

- Rockula, that sounds

of yours is just great.

- I saw you rock, man, I

want my sick gloves back.

- Killer lesson.

- Totally styling.

- Hey dude, move your gear.

- I'm still trying to figure out

where I know you from.

You seem so familiar to me.

Maybe it was a past life.

- What?

- Relax, that was just a joke.

- Listen, do

you believe in vampires?

- That's very funny, Ralph.

Well.

Well this is it.

Thank you for walking me home.

- Would you like to see me again?

- YES.

Tomorrow?

- Qkay.

- Qkay.

Good night.

- Where is that

guy when you need him?

- Hey Mr. Rockstar.

- Where have you been?

- Well you're not the only

one that can start a band.

SQ?

- So, what?

- So what's she like?

- Oh.

She's great.

It was really worth the wait this time.

- Groovy.

So did you get anY?

- Any what?

- You know, muff, nookie, poontang.

- You are so crass, is that

all you ever think about?

- Listen Ralph, I don't

have a love life of my own

so I wanna share in yours.

Now, start from the

beginning and be graphic.

- Forget it.

- You didn't score, did you?

- Knock it off!

She did kiss me, though.

- Really?

Was it?

- Unbelievable.

- Slip her the tongue?

- It was on the cheek.

- Loser!

- You never stop.

Bye mom, I'll see you later.

- Well don't you look cute

and where are you going?

- Out.

- With who?

- Friends.

- And when will you back?

- Later.

- You met her, didn't you?

- Duh, mom.

- Oh, honey, I'm so happy.

- You're crushing my suit.

- Oh, we're gonna have to

have her over for dinner.

- I'd rather not do that right now, mom.

- Oh, you're ashamed of your mother!

That's it, isn't it?

- No, that's not.

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