Rockula Page #3

That's not it.

It's that she's gonna be in of a big shock

when I tell her and I

wanna break it to her easy,

by myself.

I'm not ashamed of you, mom.

I love you.

- Oh.

I must look a mess.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey,

of course you're right.

But promise me you won't elope.

Because I want a big wedding.

- Of course.

And you're not a mess.

You look better than most

women a 10th your age.

- I know.

You're a dear.

I honestly don't know what

I'd do without my boy.

Now what are you standing there for?

Now you go off and you have a good time.

And you give Mona a big

kiss from mommy.

- O kaY/ bye'

- Oh.

- But what struck me

the most were his eyes.

I mean, they almost seemed

haunted, didn't they?

- You wanna know what happened that day?

Egon was married to this

girl, Mary or Maddie,

I can't believe I forgot her name.

anyway-

He had this girl posing for him.

She was 16, she was

gorgeous, she was beautiful.

They started shacking up.

And the day that Mary found out,

she walked in on them

and was gonna tell Egon

that she was pregnant.

- Well did she leave him?

- No, god, she was like

this glutton for punishment.

- Ralph.

How do you know about all this?

- I don't know, why?

- You were talking about

it as, I don't know,

almost as if you had

been there or something.

- That was like over 100 years ago.

I couldn't have been, I read

it, in art class, that's it.

- Oh.

You're a good story teller Ralph.

- Yeah, I got a couple of doozies for ya.

- I see a girl.

Her name is, uh, Mona?

- Yeah, right, right, my girlfriend.

I mean my ex-girlfriend.

- Oh.

I see her with another man.

- That little twerp.

- You should not call

people names, Stanley.

- Yeah, right, sorry.

- She thinks she loves him, but she really

loves you, Stanley.

- Really?

- YES.

But she is under his spell.

' Spell?

- Spell, Stanley, for

this is no ordinary man.

He is a vampire.

- A vampire?

- A vampire, Stanley.

Yours is no ordinary destiny.

- I knew it.

- Don't interrupt.

It is your destiny to save Mona.

- Yes, but, how can I do it?

- Stanley, your business is death,

your life is death, your destiny is death.

You must kill her, Stanley.

' Yes?

- YES.

And then she will be all yours.

- I could mount and stuff her.

- She will be your sleeping princess.

- YES.

Yes, I see it.

I could freeze her, cryogenically.

- Oh.

I suppose it would work.

- She'll be mine.

All mine forever.

When do I do it?

- It must be down on Halloween.

- Right.

- But there is one catch, though.

You must dress as a pirate.

- A pirate?

- A pirate.

With a rhinestone peg leg.

- A rhinestone peg leg?

A rhinestone peg leg.

- And you must dispatch

her with a ham bone.

- Ambone?

Okay, okay, okay, a ham bone.

- Yo, Yo, Yo, yo, Hans,

what's up, what's up?

Oh not much, you know,

I've just been hangin'

with Yolanda and Dee.

Kick it!

- You were great.

- Ralphie?

Oh, there's my boy.

- Mom, what are you doing here?

- Oh, Ralph, I am so proud of you.

Your little band was fantastic.

- Mom.

- And you must be Mona.

Oh.

Look how pretty you are this time.

- Yes, yes, she is.

Uh, Mona, this is my mother.

- Hi.

It is so nice to meet you.

- Meet me?

No, no, dear, the pleasure's all mine.

Oh, just me look at you.

Oh, it's so nice to see the

two of you together again.

- Excuse me?

- Uh yeah, well we have to be going.

- Oh well I won't keep you,

but we must have Mona over for dinner.

- Mom.

- I would love to.

- Mona.

- Thursday night?

- Can't Thursday night,

Mona's video is premiering.

- Well we could go after.

- After?

- Thursday night it is then.

- I can't believe this.

- Well I have to run now.

I have a meeting with my ladies' social.

It's pistol range night

and I'm really getting

much better at this.

Practice, practice, practice.

- Doesn't anybody go bowling anymore?

Oh!

It's raining cats and dogs!

I just stepped in a poodle!

- I feel like I've known you forever.

I think the rain is stopping.

Wow.

What was that?

- I don't know, but it

was definitely beautiful.

- That

was Mona and the premiere

of By My Side here on Slack TV.

Coming up...

- You were wonderful.

- Thank you honey.

- Both of you.

- Well the kids were Mona's idea.

- Don't be so modest, Ralph.

- Listen, Mona, about dinner

with my mother tonight.

I don't think it's a very good idea.

- Why not?

- In fact, I think it's time

I start my own record label,

you know, Morgue Music

or maybe Death Records.

Or just RIP, it's sort of

catchy, don't you think?

Mona, just terrific.

Congratulations, the both of you.

- Thank you.

Um, Stanley, why are you

wearing garlic around your neck?

- Oh.

This is in honor of Ralph

here, I should I say Rockula?

It's pretty pungent,

wouldn't you say, Ralphie?

- Smells great, I love garlic.

- Yes, you might say

I have a stake in what

happens to you.

I mean, I think Rockula's gonna take off

like a bat out of hell.

The world is full of bloodsuckers

and I would hate for

anything to happen to you.

Have you ever seen one of these before?

- YES.

18th Century, right?

- 19th, actually.

- Excuse me, I'm gonna use your bathroom.

- Okay sure.

- There's things about this

guy that you don't understand.

- Stanley, I think that you

are under a lot of stress.

- He knows, the jig's up.

- Who knows?

What jig?

- Stanley, somehow

he knows that I'm a...

- You're a vampire?

- YES.

- So why don't you get rid of him

in the time honored tradition?

- What the hell is that?

- Bite him, man.

Bite him, and watch him die

a slow, agonizing death.

Come on, it's the way

vampires always get rid

of those Van Helsing types.

- That's in the movies.

Besides, you remember

vampires always lose.

- Yeah, but they always look

so cool stalking the halls.

I just love that.

- If Stanley knows, what's

stopping him from telling Mona?

- So he tells her, you tell

her, what's the difference?

What's the matter?

Ashamed of who you are?

- YES.

No, no, I mean, I don't

know, it's not that easy.

- Ralph?

- Pressure's on, pressure's

on, what you gonna do?

Don't choke, don't choke, don't choke.

- Shut up and let me think.

- Ralph?

- I'm gonna tell her.

- Everything? Even the you-know-what?

- Everything.

- Bad idea, man, bad idea.

- Shh.

- Uh, Ralph.

Who are you talking to?

- Uh no one, myself.

Well, sort of, I'll explain later.

Mona, we're having dinner at my mother's.

- That's what I like about you Ralph.

You're so decisive.

- Attention.

Could I have your attention please?

Qy!

I have a little premiere of my own.

Mmm, that mantra felt good.

Hi, I'm Stanley, your

guide into the other world.

Here at Stanley's Deathpark,

we believe in a holistic,

stress-free approach to

the passing on process.

Just take a look at our new

line in designer headstones.

Secretary forget to remind

you to bring flowers?

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