Rockula Page #4

Mmm, just smell those chlamydias.

And we'll quite happily donate

10 cents of the proceeds

to the charity of your choice.

Miss that nagging loved one?

No longer with the Recorder 6000,

you just close your eyes and listen.

- Harold, have

you been drinking again?

Was it you who left the toilet seat up?

My mother was right.

- Better than a wool hair

coat and a crown of thorns.

Realistic?

Don't take my word for it.

- It's been three years since

my lovely Clorice left me.

But with Recorder 6000, I have yet to miss

her deprecating banter.

- Thank you Elmo, that was lovely.

Now, here's something new.

Relatives disapprove of your lifestyle?

Invest in the Rotary 600, the

device that keeps those loved

ones turning over in their grave.

Isn't that amazing?

And over here we have the very latest in

cryogenic technology.

It may well be the answer

to everlasting life,

and, while you're waiting to be reborn,

why not listen to your

choice of subliminal

self help tapes.

We have an incredible selection.

Everything from meditation

to the fundamentals of golf.

Learn a foreign language

while you're waiting

to be awoken from your everlasting sleep.

Did you die a smoker?

Quit while you're dead.

Improve your karma, knock

off several lifetimes

and awake a better person.

- Get out.

- That was the best bit.

- Stanley, I have been working

my entire life for tonight,

and you come and make a joke out of it?

- Mona.

You.

You did it to me, you fiend.

- You alright?

- Yes I'm fine, really.

- Stanley is in love with you.

- I know.

It wasn't just Stanley.

Ralph, I was watching the

video and suddenly I thought,

"Is this what I have been

working for my entire life?

"Three minutes, that's it?

"Just three minutes?"

It just seemed so unimportant.

So temporary.

Ralph.

You--

- Before you say what I

think you're gonna say,

there's something you've gotta know.

- Hi kids.

- Mom, we were talking.

- The legacy?

- Mom.

- The legacy?

- It's nothing, it's,

nevermind, it's not important.

What's for dinner?

- Hello dear.

- Mrs. Levee, this is

a beautiful home you have.

- Oh thank you dear, but

please call me Phoebe.

Of course, this is nothing like the

palatial chateau that we had when we were

in the south of France, is it Ralph?

- I didn't know you lived in France?

- You didn't?

Of course you did.

When was that Ralphie?

The 16th or the 17th century?

I don't remember.

Oh, my pet Napoleon, mm,

could he throw a party.

I was his favorite, you know.

- Mom.

- And Mona, your father, the king, was he,

the most handsome man and you

were the cutest little thing.

- MOI!

What's for dinner?

- Meat and potatoes.

Who's askin'?

- Oh, Boom Boom.

Boom, oh!

O00, my son.

Ralphie, this is my son

Ralphie and his fiancee Mona.

Oh.

- His fiancee?

- The Boom Boom Williams?

The Terror of Tennessee?

- You got it, little fella.

And if you eat all your

vegetables, you'll grow up

to be big and strong just like me.

- I think we're a little late for that.

I don't know, about 300 years too late.

- What did you say?

- Nothing.

- Dinner is served.

And as for the father of our country,

well let me tell you,

he may have been hell

on the battlefield, but

in bed he was as wooden

as his teeth.

Those were tough and

lonely times for a woman.

Every day I get down on my hands and knees

and I thank my lucky

stars that I had my boy.

My Ralphie.

Ralphie.

- Baby, where would you

like your coffee served?

In here, or in the living room?

- In the living room, don't you think?

- Oh, whatever you say love cakes.

Introducing the fabulous,

the incomparable,

and the sexy,

Miss

Phoebe.

- My mom's kind of strange.

If you hadn't noticed.

- This whole night has

been kind of strange.

- Mona, pull over.

Oh great.

Mona?

Would you give up everything for me?

Your career, your friends, everything?

- Ralph, don't you think

that's a little bit radical?

I mean, maybe we should

date for a while first,

don't you think?

- I've given you a choice

and it has to be your choice.

- What are you talking about?

Ralph, where are you going?

Ralph, where are you going?

- Just follow me.

- Ralph, what is with you?

- Okay, you see these people?

They're dead, I'm not.

- I can see that, Ralph.

- But, I'm older.

- What?

- Mona, I'm a vampire.

- And I'm the Bride of Frankenstein.

- No seriously, Mona, it's the truth.

I'm not a bad vampire.

I am a bad vampire, I'm

not very good at it.

I don't bite people but I am a vampire.

- Ralph, this is a very common thing.

- It is?

- Yes, sure it is.

People begin to believe their

stage personas all the time.

- No, no, no, no, I don't

think I'm a vampire,

I really am a vampire.

- Prove it.

- Look.

Fangs, see?

- Well it's probably

something that just runs

in the family, Ralph.

Besides, I knew a girl

in the eighth grade,

she had bigger teeth than that.

She wasn't a vampire, Ralph.

You really should have

those filed down though.

- Okay, all that stuff

my mom was talking about

back at the house, it's all true.

Mona, you are 422 years old.

This is your 19th lifetime.

You always die on Halloween

night of your 22nd year.

' Ralph!

- Mona, we were lovers 400 years ago

and every 22 years since then,

and it always ends the same way.

- And how is that?

- You're killed by a pirate with a peg leg

wielding a gigantic ham bone.

- And then I'm reborn?

- Over and over.

- I think maybe you just

need some therapy, Ralph.

- Okay, you remember this?

You said you did back at the house.

- I do.

I remember that from somewhere.

- 1786.

- What?

- You owned it in 1786.

You wanna see what you looked like?

- I'm not sure.

- And here's you in 1918.

- Now wait a minute.

So that means that,

that you're--

- Yes.

- And that I'm--

- Yep.

- And that we're--

- You got it.

- Nah.

- Okay, okay, fine, fine.

Okay, I didn't wanna do this

but you leave me no choice.

Now watch close, I

haven't done this in years

and I'm not very good

at it so bear with me.

Hi.

Mona.

Mona, it's me.

Mona.

Mona.

- Stay away from me.

- It's okay, you react

like this every time.

Everything's okay, it's okay.

- No, no it isn't.

This is my fault.

I thought I could handle

this, I thought I was

more open-minded, but this.

This is just too much.

- No, no Mona it's okay,

all you have to do is make

it to All Saints Day.

- Stay away from me.

- Mona, you have no choice.

I love you, you love me.

If you don't listen to

me you're gonna die,

and we're gonna have to

do this all over again

in 22 years.

- I don't love you Ralph!

I don't!

- Mona!

Mona!

' No!

Ralph!

Ralph!

- Your move, numb nuts.

Ralph.

" Huh?

- Your move.

- I'm sorry.

I just can't concentrate.

- Thinkin' about tonight?

Where you goin'?

- Out.

- Well don't forget your retainer.

- I don't need that anymore.

- Well, are you quite sure?

No, I already have the

costume, what I want

is a rhinestone peg leg.

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