Rockula Page #5

Yes, I know it's Halloween, goddammit.

Ugh!

What am I gonna do?

Hello?

Madam Ben Wa?

Hi, it's Stanley, the ham bone?

I'm working on it, but listen.

I have another little problem.

- Unbelievable.

- Another van will

be along in 10 minutes.

Sorry.

- What am I gonna do?

- Thanks.

Just one of those days, you know?

- Try one of those lifetimes.

- I'm really worried.

I haven't seen her for days.

- And Ralph, I haven't seen him either.

- Neither have I.

- I'm back!

- Madam Ben Wa, is that you?

Hello Madam Ben Wa.

I've got everything ready, the

liquid nitrogen, everything.

All I need is--

Wow.

Real rhinestones.

Do you think she's gonna

be here, Madam Ben Wa?

- Are you doubting Madam Ben Wa?

- Oh no, no, no, n0, O-

- Do I sense that you are

wavering from your destiny?

- No, Madam Ben Wa.

- Do you love Mona more than life itself?

- YES.

- Then you will save her from the vampire.

- Yes, Madam Ben Wa, yes, yes!

- You remember.

Before midnight!

- Suppose she

doesn't come on time.

- So you'll go on.

- I can't do that.

- Sure you can, you know that song.

I've heard you sing it.

Ham.

Who brought the sandwiches?

- I did.

What's the matter?

Too cooked for you, Mr. Vampire?

- What's your costume, Stanley?

- It's a secret.

- It wouldn't happen to

be a pirate, would it?

- What if it is?

- Lana, 10 minutes.

- Don't forget your peg leg, Stanley.

- God dammit!

- Did you find her?

- No sign of her yet.

- Stanley's disappeared.

He was here one minute and gone the next.

- Okay, let's go-

Raphael, you and Chuck stage

left, Axman stage right.

Be on the look out for

anyone in a pirate costume.

- What about Stanley?

- Leave Stanley to me.

- Club Hell presents Mona!

- It's up to you.

You can do it.

- I'm waiting for you my love.

I hope Madam Ben Wa was right.

- Mom, what are you doing here?

Mum!

Excuse me.

Mom, what are you doing here?

Are you okay?

- I just wanted to see

your little rock band play.

Is that too much for a mother to ask?

- Mona!

Mona!

- Ralph.

- Put me down, what are you doing?

Stanley!

- Mona!

- Sorry, man, we lost--

- It's not important,

we gotta find Mona.

We gotta split up, what time is it?

- Five to 12.

- I hope it's not too late.

- Come on then.

- Stanley.

What is going on?

- Destiny.

- Ouch!

Are you crazy?

Stanley, is that a ham bone?

- Well it ain't chopped liver.

- Ham bone.

Pirate.

Halloween.

Ralph!

- Damn.

- Hey, Ralph, what's the good word?

You save her yet?

- Stanley's got her and

they've disappeared.

' typical.

- What's typical?

- That the damsel's in

distress and you're caught

sleeping at the gate behind the eight ball

a day late and a dime short.

- Sometimes I really hate you.

- Oh, thanks a lot and I'm just

gonna tell you where she is.

- Where, where, where is she?

- But now I'm not going to.

- Tell me, where is she?

- Not until you apologize.

- I apologize!

- Who's your best friend

in the whole world?

I'm sorry, what, what, what, what, what?

I can't hear you.

- You are!

Tell me where she is!

- You go out that door, you make a left,

there's a access stairs.

Hm.

It's gonna be close.

- Why, Stanley, why?

- Because I love you, Mona.

We belong together.

- So you're gonna kill me?

- Well not exactly.

I'm gonna freeze you cryogenically

and then we'll be together forever.

' No!

- Drop the bone, Stanley.

- Make me.

- I don't make garbage.

I burn it.

- Oh yeah?

- Yeah.

Is that a ham bone Stanley?

- Why, yes, I think it is.

- Well that explains our

little backstage porkfest.

Nice touch with the peg leg.

Where did you get it?

- My psychic, Madam Ben Wa.

- They're nowhere in sight.

- Ralph just disappeared.

- Well we gotta find him,

it's almost midnight.

Tuty, is there another way out of here?

- YES.

There's a little door that

goes upstairs over there.

- Great!

- The girl is mine!

' Is not!

- IS tOO.

- Is not.

This time, the pirate loses.

All my life, I've been pushed

around by punks like you.

No one ever believed in me.

I never even believed in myself.

I spent centuries wallowing in self-pity.

I was such a weakling, I

couldn't even shake a cold.

The only person who believed

in me was my mother,

God bless her.

If it weren't for that woman--

- Oh Ralph, I'm sorry.

- Mom.

- Madam Ben Wa?

- Mrs. Levee?

- Madam Ben Wa?

' Mom?

- I thought I was doing the right thing

but now I know I was wrong.

- You mean you were behind

this the whole time?

- You were my little boy.

I didn't want you to leave home.

Now I know you're all grown up.

- You're in this together.

Die, vampire scum!

- Ralph!

- That was my mother you just boned.

- She was a traitor.

Nothing can stop me now.

' No!

Ralph!

- Not so fast, you leave

me no choice, Stanley.

Drop the ham bone, Stanley.

' Two, one.

You are now totally relaxed yet energized

in a beautiful and harmonious way.

Imagine the energy of the

universe coming in through

the top of your head and radiating out.

While gripping your

nine iron, inhale deeply

and mentally repeat these affirmations:

my nine iron is an extension of my penis.

My nine iron is an extension of my penis.

- I knew that would come in handy one day.

Mona, are you alright?

- You know the second

time around that bat thing

was kind of cute.

- Yowza, what happened here?

- It's after 12.

- You saved her.

- Yes!

Mom.

Come here.

- Oh.

Oh Ralphie.

Do you forgive me?

- Of course we forgive you.

- Oh, Ralphie!

- No hickies.

- Ralph?

Hey Ralph?

Ralph?

Where are you man?

Ralph!

Come on.

HEY, did you get her?

Ralph?

Come on, I'm ready, don't leave me.

Ral--

Okay, I'll wait, I'll wait.

Ralph! Where are you?

Ralph, come on, I'm locked in here!

Ralph!

Okay.

Okay, fine.

To hell with this.

Wow, it's deja vu.

- The return of the king!

I Say Yo, yo I

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