Roger Dodger

What's happening right now|is important only in the context...

of our continuing evolution|as a species.

Roger, all I'm saying is that I wish my|sister would learn to read a subway map.

By saying that, you disregard|the primary importance...

of utility in human relationships.

Our ability--|Men's ability to read maps...

to navigate, makes us useful.

You should discourage your sister|from even looking at a map.

Are you saying that we women|have an inferior sense of direction?.

Which way is north,Joyce,|without looking around?.

What?.

You heard me. Point north.|Quick. North.

Quick. North.

North. North.

- You're right.|- Is he right?.

- He's right.|- Very impressive.

As she has throughout history...

the female responds to the male|who displays the most utility.

By honing those skills|which make me useful...

I stave off|my inevitable obsolescence.

You stay home honing your ability|to program a VCR?.

My VCR's been flashing 1 2:00|for three years.

What else, Roger?.

Oh, driving a standard shift.|Lifting heavy things.

- Air guitar.|- Yes, yes.

Go ahead and chuckle, okay?.

But until women evolve the ability|to move objects telepathically--

and they will--

physical strength|remains a primary utility.

Here's to brute strength then.

Roger, you're forgetting|a very important male utility.

What's that?. Barbecuing?.

Sex.

Yeah. I want a guy to do more|than just program my VCR.

Oh, I'll program your VCR, baby,|like you never had it.

It's a top-loader.|You thinkyou can handle that?.

Interestingly, a group of scientists|in England...

just announced their intention|to fertilize an egg...

without the use of sperm cells.

I don't understand that.

Every cell in the human body|contains a copy of the genome pattern.

The only reason sperm cells|have all the fun is that up until now...

they were the only ones with access.

Within Christopher's lifetime,|artificial insemination...

will render sperm as useless|as an assembly line worker in Detroit.

Luckily, my accountant set up a golden|parachute for my sperm years ago.

In case they were downsized.

Just so you know, Roger,|you know that we women...

make love because we like it.

- Not just to procreate.|- Yes.

- But are men absolutely necessary?.|- I don't know that.

Think of the structure|of the female genitalia.

Wait. Wait.|Okay, got it.

What is the most sensitive part|of the vagina?.

-I can't believe we've gotten into this.|-I thinkyou know this, Donovan.

It's the clitoris, first discovered|by Renaldus Columbus in 1 559.

He thought it was India.

Oh, no!. No!.

The crown of the clitoris|contains 8,000 nerve fibers.

It's a far great concentration|than in any part of the male body...

even our fingertips.

It is the most efficient,|pleasure-delivery system...

ever devised by nature.

Now, ask yourself...

why didn't the clitoris end up|inside the vagina...

so that intercourse|would be naturally...

compellingly, constantly pleasurable|for a woman?.

- I know the answer.|- Yes, Ms. Maynard.

Because in primitive time,|women died of childbirth.

So for intercourse to be|too pleasurable...

wouldn't make sense|from a Darwinian standpoint.

- I'm impressed.|- Absolutely right.

- What does that tell us?.|- Evolution is looking out for us girls?.

- Exactly.|- That for women...

intercourse and sexual fulfillment|were never intended to intersect.

New technology|just makes it official.

Future generations ofwomen will evolve|clitorises-- "clitori, clitorati"--

"Clitorissimo."

that are larger, longer,|even more sensitive.

And a woman's ability, as well as|her desire to self-stimulate...

will increase exponentially...

as intercourse is robbed|of its procreative utility.

- I'm confused and frightened.|- You should be.

The species is not static.|We're in a constant state of flux.

Two genders has been|the default setting for one reason only:

So far it's been the only way|to propagate the race.

Is there any species|that just has one gender...

that doesn't have male/female?.

Starfish, for one.

Next time I see a starfish,|I'm gonna tell him to go f*** himself.

Come on. You love it.

No, we don't.

So where are we headed?.

Equality?.|Equality, what is that?.

Is that a principle of nature?.

We all sit around|reading subway maps together.

No. Of course not.|Natural selection.

Now that is a principle of nature.

Selection. Something has to lose.|Something has to be defeated...

in order for something else|to be selected.

So, what does this mean?.

We have to take orders from Joyce|for the rest of lives.

That's right. I like that.

It means that 1 0 or 1 5 generations|from now...

men will be reduced to servitude.

Technology and evolution|will have combined...

to exclude sperm from procreation...

and our final destiny will be|to lift couches...

and wait for that day|when telepathy overcomes gravity...

and our gender's last remaining utility|is lost forever.

Forever.

Oh, my God, Roger.

- What?. I'm done.|- Then I rest my case.

Thank you.

Love you people.

Yeah, this is good.

-Jesus!.|- No, just me.

How did you get in here?.

- Where did you get those?.|- Copied them from yours.

- When?.|- Last week when you sent me for bagels.

Give them to me.

Aren't you tired of constantly|having to buzz me in here?.

See how your brain works?. How does|once a week turn into "constantly"?.

Actually, last week was two times,|including, I believe, Friday...

when you woke me out of a dead, pleasant|sleep and demanded the use of my body.

- You could have said no.|- What?. Are you kidding me?.

That was a call to action.

I dressed in 30 seconds|like a volunteer fireman.

I was insane--

You should stop talking and listen|to me. I got something to say to you.

Oh, yeah?.

- Words are my stock-in-trade,Joyce.|- I know.

You can't just|stop up the floodgate.

- Put that down.|- What?.

- We need to stop this.|- Stop what?.

God, I love watching you|in the bathroom.

You're like an athlete after the game,|scraping off the war paint.

I meant, we need to stop|seeing each other.

Oh, really?.

This whole thing was a bad idea.

Generally, I have good judgment,|but this time, right out the window.

This whole thing is a great idea.|Nobody knows about us.

We all go out, I sit there and...

you know, a few hours later...

I know I'm going to be|the traveling salesman...

and you're going to be|the lonely housewife.

I need you to be an adult about this.|No scenes.

Joyce, I am your boy.|I'm your thoroughbred.

Adult. Understand?.

Forget about the keys, okay?.|Just keep the keys with--

Tonight is our last night,|so let's make it a good one.

Good-bye sex is never good.

Next week, we'll have|"get back together" sex--

- Can I stay the night?.|- Roger, no.

Right.

Hi. Can I have a Cosmo and|a Maker's Mark on the rocks?. Thanks.

- Let's have a talk.|- I'm sorry. I'm with some people.

Let me guess.

You're relatively new at the company.

Maybe you moved to New York from|somewhere else. Somewhere friendly.

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