Romancing the Stone

What's it gonna be, Angelina?

JOAN AS ANGELINA: It was Grogan...

the filthiest, dirtiest, dumbest excuse for a

man...

west of the Missouri River.

Now, you can die two ways, angel.

Quick like the tongue of a snake...

or slower than the molasses in January.

JOAN AS ANGELINA: But it was October.

I'll kill you, God damn it, if it's the Fourth

of July!

Where is it?

Get over there.

JOAN AS ANGELINA: I told him to get out...

now that he had what he came for.

Not quite, Angel.

Take'em off.

Do it!

Come on!

Aah!

JOAN AS ANGELINA: That was the end of Grogan...

the man who killed my father, raped and murdered

my sister...

burned my ranch, shot my dog, and stole my

Bible!

But if there was one law of the West...

bastards had brothers...

who seemed to ride forever.

But suddenly, there he was, my beloved Jesse.

He was the one man I trusted - the only man.

My heart leapt as I watched him ride near.

I could barely wait to feel the warmth of his

touch.

At the moment his lips met mine...

I knew that we would never again be apart.

I knew then that we would spend...

the rest of our lives together.

Forever.

Oh, God, that's good.

The...End.

Oh.

Oh.

[Door squeaks]

I finished, sweetheart. You want to celebrate?

[Meow]

So do I.

Romeo, Romeo, where art thou, Romeo?

[Meow]

There. Hey, it's Bumble Bee, kiddo.

Just so you know, I spare no expense when I

celebrate.

Here's looking at you, Jesse.

Whoever you are.

Are you finished?

Thank you.

Oh, come here, Romeo.

Yeah. Yeah.

[Telephone rings]

[Ring]

[Ring]

Hello?

Hello?

[Click]

Oh, my God, Romeo, is that the time?

Gloria! I'm going to be late.

Oh!

- Hi.

- Oh, hi, pumpkin.

JOAN:
Mrs. Irwin, why won't you take the

elevator?

MRS. Irwin:
Pumpkin, I never get in an elevator

alone.

You know...rapists. Where are you

running off to?

JOAN:
Oh...I've got to get to my publisher's.

MRS. Irwin:
By the way, pumpkin...

the mailman couldn't fit this into your box...

So I told him I'd give it to you

That's some love letter.

Mrs. Irwin, you're a tease.

I know, but I keep hoping for you, pumpkin.

[Vendors loudly hawking goods]

VENDOR:
Lady, how about a monkey for your little

nephew?

I'll give it to you for ten dollars.

Really great deal. Come on, lady.

JOAN:
No. I don't -

VENDOR:
Your boyfriend will love it.

It's kind of kinky, you know what I mean?

Nine dollars - eight dollars, bottom line.

JOAN:
Thank you, but I really don't need a

monkey.

VENDOR:
Oh, but, lady, this is kinda cute.

Hey. That's Miss Wilder's apartment.

Can I help you?

Excuse me...

SUPERINTENDENT:
Get away from that door.

What's this?

Uhh!

GLORIA:
Wimp. Wimp.

Loser.

Loser.

Major loser.

Too angry. Too vague.

Too desperate.

God, too happy.

Oh. Look at this guy, Mr. Mondo-dizmo.

I actually used to date him. Total sleaze-

bucket.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Hold everything.

Get a load of this character. Now, what about

him?

No, he's - he's just not -

Who? Jesse?

Maybe it's silly, but I know...

that there is somebody out there for me.

Oh, yeah? Where?

JOAN:
Certainly not here.

Gloria, why do we always have to have this same

conversation?

Because I like you, and I hate to see you all

alone...

waiting for somebody who's not gonna show up.

OK, Gloria.

Here it is.

GLORIA:
Mmm.

Read it and weep. I always do.

JOAN:
I'll call you, OK?

GLORIA:
Come on, don't leave. Have another

grasshopper.

- I can't.

- Come on, stay.

I'm your publisher. I'm ordering you to.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I even dragged you to this

place.

I just wanted you to get out.

I know how hard you've been working.

I know you're upset about your sister.

Come on, how is she? Have you heard from her?

Elaine? I spoke to her last week.

She's still in Colombia.

Have they found her husband's body yet?

Just the one piece.

You know what's really creepy?

I got this package from Eduardo from Colombia.

Must have been mailed just before he...

God!

Can you imagine how awful, having your husband

murdered?

How is she holding up?

Oh, she'll be fine. Elaine always...manages.

Uhh!

[Car horns honking]

Hey, Ira.

The kid's here with the broad. They're taking

her to the boat.

IRA:
Look at these snappers, will you?

RALPH:
We should have just rifled her room.

IRA:
Ralph, how many times do I have to tell

you?

It's not in the country.

RALPH:
This kidnapping stuff makes me real

nervous.

[Hisses]

It's a piss-poor idea. It's nothing but trouble.

Look, we've stolen enough of these antique

trinkets...

to keep us living comfortably for the rest of

our lives.

Let's kiss off this Third World toilet.

IRA:
One last big one. Trust me, Ralph.

Whoa! Did you see that, Ralph?

That ugly striped son of a b*tch down there?

RALPH:
Somebody's gonna get killed... and you're

farting around with prehistoric animals.

Come on, Ira! Let's forget this one.

I got a real bad feeling about it.

Will you stop worrying? Have I ever hurt you?

I will never hurt you. I can't hurt you.

We got the same blood.

We're not two people. We are one person.

Would I hurt me?

[Hisses]

Look at those snappers, Ralph.

[Door squeaks]

[Meow]

Oh! Oh, Romeo!

Oh, baby! Oh!

Aah!

[Ring]

[Ring]

Hello?

Hello, Joan. Joan, can you hear me?

Elaine, I can't talk right now.

Listen to me. Listen very carefully.

I'm in trouble.

Elaine, please...

ELAINE:
Joanie, I am in real trouble.

JOAN:
What's the matter?

ELAINE:
Has any mail been forwarded to you...

with Eduardo's handwriting on it? Any big envelope?

JOAN:
Yes.

ELAINE:
Oh, honey. See if there's some kind of

treasure map inside.

It says El Corazon.

I need you to bring that map to me in Colombia.

Colombia?

My God, what kind of trouble are you in?

Joanie, please.

Get to the Hotel Cartagena in Cartagena.

When you arrive, call this number: 64-58-24.

- Are you writing this down?

- Yes!

And remember, you mustn't tell anybody.

Elaine, I can't go to Colombia.

Aah...Joanie...

they'll cut me. They'll hurt me.

[Click]

GLORIA:
Colombia?

Do you have any idea what it's like in Colombia? I do.

Your books do very well in these macho countries.

They have jungles there, Joanie...

insects the size of sanitation trucks...

revolutionaries.

- Have you had your shots?

- Shots? What shots?

GLORIA:
You see. You're completely unprepared.

Wait a minute. Just hold on.

Would you tell me what's going on?

Why are you doing this?

JOAN:
Elaine is in some trouble.

She has a little domestic problem.

GLORIA:
Domestic problem?

Elaine's last domestic problem...

was finding her husband cut into small pieces.

I'm not gonna let you do this. You cannot go!

JOAN:
Here's Romeo.

Now, I want you to promise me to feed him...

and hold him at least once a day.

GLORIA:
You're gonna need something stronger

than that.

Listen to me.

You get bus-sick, sea-sick, plane-sick, train-

sick.

You practically puke on the escalator at

Bloomingdale's, for God's sake!

JOAN:
A lot of people get sick in department

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote