Romancing the Stone Page #2

stores.

GLORIA:
Joanie, please, don't go.

You're not up to this, Joan, and you know it.

I know, but she's my sister.

I'll feed him, but I'm not picking him up.

Crazy!

[Woman speaking Spanish over P.A.]

[Pig squealing]

[Whistles blowing]

RALPH:
The plane from New York, has it arrived

yet?

- The areo arrivo aqui?.

- No comprendo.

JOAN:
Is this the bus to Cartagena?

- .Que?

- Oh.

JOAN:
.Es este el autobus a Carta--?

ZOLO:
Cartagena.

JOAN:
Oh, you speak English. Good!

Can you tell me, is this bus going to Cartagena?

ZOLO:
Yes, Cartagena.

JOAN:
Great. Thank you.

OK.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, you're on the wrong bus!

Miss Wilder! She got on the wrong bus.

This is terrible!

[Baby crying]

Oh--

My God.

Excuse me.

Uh...

Excuse - excuse me.

[Pig squeals]

I'm - I'm very sorry.

I'm really sorry.

WOMAN:
.Estupida!

Ahem. I'm sorry to bother you.

Can you tell me what time we get to Cartagena?

DRIVER:
.Que?

Is this the bus to Cartagena?

I need to get to Cartagena - Aah!

[Pig squeals]

Sh*t!

[Shouting in Spanish]

[Birds squawking]

JOAN:
What are we gonna do now?

Where's my suitcase?

ZOLO:
You don't have to walk. Another bus will

come along.

They know nothing. They are peasants.

JOAN:
Another bus? Really?

ZOLO:
Of course.

There are schedules to be maintained...

even in Colombia.

What?

- The purse.

- What are you--

.La bolsa!

[Man whistling]

.Alto!

JOAN:
Aah!

.Fuera!

JOAN:
Oh, my God!

JACK:
What the hell?

Jesus Christ!

What the hell happened to my birds?!

Son of a b*tch!

Hi.

I demand this car in the name of the law.

Uh...

Turn this car around.

Oh, no. Talk about breaks.

ZOLO:
Don't I know you?

RALPH:
No comprendo.

ZOLO:
You are American.

RALPH:
I hate Americanos.

I spit on 'em.

Ptew! I hate Americanos!

They're scumo! Scum!

ZOLO:
Are you French?

Well, honey, looks like we're gonna

have to wait...

just a little longer.

Sh*t.

JOAN:
Excuse me.

Could you please tell me how to get to a

telephone?

JACK:
No, lady, I don't have any idea. I'm sorry.

JOAN:
It's very important that I get one.

JACK:
We've all got our problems today,

don't we?

JOAN:
Can you tell me where the nearest town is?

- How about Miami?

- Will there be another bus?

JACK:
This is it. You got rush hour.

JOAN:
I have to get to Cartagena.

JACK:
Cartagena?

Angel, you are hell and gone from Cartagena.

Cartagena's over there on the coast.

- But they told me this bus.

- Who told you that?

That man that--

JACK:
That nice man who pulled a gun on you?

Uh-huh.

What else did he tell you?

Please, I need your help.

JACK:
I guess that's my new career.

JOAN:
It's very--

Lady, half a year's work just flew south for the

winter.

My Jeep is totaled.

In five minutes, everything I own is gonna

be wet...

so could you lighten up? I don't have the time.

I'll pay you.

You don't understand. It's a matter of life and

death.

- If I don't get--

- How much?

Fifty dollars?

Oh, sh*t.

You said you just lost everything you owned.

JACK:
Not my sense of humor.

JOAN:
I'll pay you a hundred dollars!

Two hundred dollars!

JACK:
I'll do it.

For five.

JOAN:
What?!

I'll pay you two hundred and fifty dollars.

Now, I ain't cheap, but I can be had.

My minimum price for taking a stranded woman...

to a telephone is four hundred dollars.

Will you take three hundred seventy-five

in traveler's checks?

- American Express?

- Of course.

You have got a deal.

Good.

[Thunder]

.Senor Zolo!

[Speaking Spanish]

[Sighs]

You got any valuables in that suitcase?

No. Yes! All my clothes and things.

You got an umbrella?

No.

JACK:
You got a good pair of walking shoes?

They're all like these.

Uh-huh.

JACK:
OK, let's make some time.

You b--Aah!

Aw, sh*t!

Whoa-ho-ho!

Aaah!

Whoa!

[Whimpering]

[Laughing]

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Oh, God damn it! What a ride, huh?

Whoo! Ha ha!

I'm telling you...

this is turning out to be one hell of a morning.

You OK?

I said, are you hurt?

What's the matter? You paralyzed from the

neck up?

Are you hurt?

- No!

- Good!

What's your name?

I'm Joan Wilder.

Joan Wilder?

Welcome to Colombia!

[Ring]

[Ring]

Diga.

Ira, I--

Hi, Ma. It's me, Irving.

IRA:
Ralph, you little twerp, where are you?

RALPH:
Calm down, Ma. Who says I never call?

IRA:
For Christ's sake, tell me the story.

RALPH:
All right, cousin.

As usual, you got us in some serious sh*t here.

First of all, the stupid dame got on the wrong

bus.

Now I'm stuck in some kind of spico military

compound.

They're mobilizing for Iwo Jima here.

IRA:
Do they know who you are?

RALPH:
What do you think, I'm introducing

myself to every cop in the pueblo?

And another little tidbit, cousin.

Guess who else is here?

Zolo!

Oh, well, give the man a cigar!

You're goddamn right, Zolo. He got in my car.

Not only are we kidnappers...

but I'm about to have a close encounter with a

cattle prod.

IRA:
Has he got his boys with him?

No. He's making do with the local yo-yos.

Oh, no.

Aw! Look!

IRA:
God damn it, Ralph, get that map!

RALPH:
Don't yell at me, Ira!

Look, you want to kill me?

Don't let me die in a jungle like a goddamn

snake.

IRA:
Ralph, God damn it, I don't care what you

got to do.

Just get me that map!

IRA:
Little sister took the wrong road.

And that third party I told you about...

he's tagging along.

The man who killed my husband?

The butcher who killed your husband.

A very powerful man with his own private army to

back him up.

And whether he calls himself...

Dr. Zolo, Minister of Antiquities...

Deputy Commander of the Secret Police...

he's still just a butcher.

Look at those snappers, will you?

JACK:
What's the matter? You sick?

JOAN:
Oh, no. I lost my button.

You lost what?

I lost my button. My button.

You're gonna lose a lot more than that.

These were Italian.

Now they're practical.

Is nothing that I own sacred to you?

Only your three hundred and seventy-five

dollars.

[Gunshots]

Aah!

JACK:
Cops!

What the hell do they want?

I haven't done anything lately.

[Zolo shouts in Spanish]

JACK:
I'm shooting at a cop!

Wait a minute. He's after you!

Who the hell are you?

JOAN:
Well, I'm a romance novelist.

JACK:
You're what?

What are you doing here?

JOAN:
I told you. My sister's life

depends on me.

JACK:
Don't give me that sh*t.

I thought you were donating a kidney or

something.

Christ, here they come.

This may be a good time to try on those shoes.

[Gunshots]

- Wait!

- Deal's off, lady!

JACK:
Lady, you are bad news.

JACK:
What'd you do, wake up this morning and

say...

''Today I'm gonna ruin a man's life''?

Do you know where you're going?

JACK:
Looks like a some kind of trail.

This is a trail?

Aah!

Aah!

Lady, you are a jinx!

What about the bridge?

JACK:
That ain't a bridge. Goddamn pre-Colombian

art.

We can't get across that.

[Men speaking Spanish]

Aw, sh*t. All right.

We're gonna hold them off right from here.

You just stay right behind me.

God damn it! I knew I should've listened to my

mother.

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