Romancing the Stone Page #3

Faster, faster.

JACK:
I could've been a cosmetic surgeon.

Five hundred thou a year, up to my neck in tits

and ass.

Lady, I hope you're taking notes...

'cause you got a real live death scene going on

right here.

Aah!

Romantic novelist, my ass.

[Screaming]

Aah!

Holy sh*t!

Unh!

Joan!

We can't cross.

JACK:
What the hell are you doing?

Drinking?

I could've been killed, and you're drinking!

JOAN:
Wait!

I will catch up to them.

.Vamos! .Vamos!

JOAN:
Are we stopping?

JACK:
Be my guest.

JOAN:
Aah!

JACK:
You OK?

Come on.

JOAN:
Is anybody else in there?

JACK:
No.

No, it's a cargo plane.

JOAN:
What is all this?

JACK:
All this? Five-to-life in the States.

Couple of centuries down here.

JOAN:
Oh, marijuana.

JACK:
Oh, you smoke it?

I went to college.

[Jack chuckles]

All right! OK.

Oh, God, do I love those fly-boys.

JACK:
What?

JOAN:
This is Elaine's favorite drink.

Oh! [Coughs]

You gonna tell me about that sister of yours?

I already did.

Her husband died and...

and I've come down here to comfort her.

- Uh-huh.

- It's the truth.

Right. Yeah, it's the truth.

JACK:
All right, I'm gonna make afire.

You got any dry matches in here?

Well, looky here.

JOAN:
Huh? Oh, no, don't!

I think you and I ought to have a talk.

All right.

Yeah, that's what I call a campfire.

Ooh!

So they're ransoming your sister for this El

Corazon.

That's Spanish for ''The Heart.''

This map here leads to The Heart.

But the heart of what?

I don't care.

You see here where it says this El Corazon...

is hidden in Cordoba province?

JOAN:
Mm-hmm.

So we're sitting right in the middle of it.

All I care about is my sister, and that map is

her life.

Like hell it is.

Whatever's at the end of this map is your

sister's life.

Now, we get our hands on this El Corazon...

then you got something to bargain with.

I knew it would happen.

You knew what would happen?

All you care about is yourself, isn't it?

I knew that from the first moment I laid eyes

on you.

Was that the first moment when I saved your ass?

JOAN:
You see? There you go.

You have no finesse. No style.

A real man doesn't have to draw attention to his

actions.

You're just...

You're a mondo-dizmo.

I'm--What am l?

You're a man who takes money from stranded

women.

A real man is--is honest...

and forthright and trustworthy.

Would you please do me the courtesy...

of looking at me when I'm speaking to you?

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

If you had any kind of manners--

Aah!

Goddamn bushmaster.

Is it poisonous?

Yeah...

but very tasty.

Uniforme.

JACK:
See, you got to figure sulfur-crested

cockatoos...

they go for about eight hundred a shot.

Then you got gentle red-tails...

they're close to two thousand each.

Sh*t, I lost close to 15,000 bucks in that bus

crash.

- Wow.

- Mm-hmm.

Do you want to know something crazy?

What?

I don't even know your name.

Well, you never asked me.

Excuse me. I'd really like to know--

Colton. Jack T. Colton.

What does the ''T'' stand for?

Aw, God damn it, man! The Doobie Brothers

broke up.

Sh*t. When did that happen?

How long have you been down here?

Aw, man.

Forever. I don't know.

- Were you always into birds?

- Mm-mmm.

No, no. I, uh...

No, I was...

I was into shortcuts.

Birds seemed to be a fast way to get what I

wanted...

and a hell of a lot healthier than dealing in

this crap.

JOAN:
What is it you want?

I think I'm gonna throw another key on the fire.

JOAN:
No, please. I'm getting dizzy.

What do you want? Seriously.

I'd really like to know.

Came down here on a coffee boat...

about a year and a half ago, right?

Christ, what a job that was.

But I couldn't get over that ocean, though, you

know?

Yeah. I love the ocean.

You just kind of get out there all by

yourself...

nobody else around.

It's beautiful.

So that's what I want.

Try to get enough money together...

buy a boat, sail around the world.

So you're just gonna sail away all by yourself?

Yeah.

Sounds lonely, Jack T. Colton.

Well...

what does the ''T'' stand for?

Trustworthy.

Mmm.

JACK:
Aw, man, I tell you, one hell of a

morning.

It's turned into a b*tch of a day.

''Tenedor del Diablo.''

The Devil's Fork.

[Snoring]

[Vehicles approaching]

Zolo!

They are crossing the cemetery.

[Rooster crows]

JOAN:
Friendly, aren't they?

JACK:
Drug runners. Just try to look mean.

Buenos dias.

Aw, sh*t.

- What's the matter?

- Nothing yet.

Hey, hombre.

Hey, hombre!

- OK, here we go.

- What?

JACK:
I just knew I should have listened to my

mother.

MAN:
Hey, hombre.

JACK:
You ready?

Ah...excuse me.

Gentlemen, we are in need of a car.

Can any of you lovely gentlemen tell me where...

MAN:
Only one car in village.

Juan, the bell maker.

The bell maker.

Thank you.

JACK:
Bell maker, my ass.

You know that fuselage we slept in last night?

It's probably one of old Juan's lost shipments.

JOAN:
You mean he's a drug--

JACK:
Shh! Just don't say a word out loud, OK?

- A dope--

- Come on, let's go.

JACK:
All right. Now, you hold back.

This one I'll handle.

JACK:
Senor, buenos dias.

JUAN:
What do you want, gringo?

JACK:
You speak English. That's great.

We understand that you have a car...

and we would like to rent it or buy it.

We have to get to a town.

JUAN:
What do you call this I'm living in, a

pigsty?

No. This is lovely.

Hit the road.

- You don't understand.

- Hit the road!

JACK:
Senor, I'd--

JUAN:
Vaya con dios, gringo.

JACK:
It's cool.

It's cool. It's no problem.

Vaya con dios.

Oh.

JACK:
OK, Joan Wilder, write us out of this one.

JUAN:
Joan Wilder?

Joan Wilder?

The Joan Wilder?

You are Joan Wilder, the novelist?

JOAN:
Yes, I am.

JUAN:
I read your books. I read all your books.

Come in. This is Juanita Wilder!

The one who writes the books that I read to you

on Saturdays.

MAN:
Juanita.

.Juanita! .Es Juanita!

- Come in.

- Adios, amiga.

JUAN:
I can't believe you're here. Joan Wilder.

I've been reading your books all these years.

I'm so honored to have you here. I can't

believe it.

Welcome to my humble house.

Joan Wilder. Ha! I'm sorry.

I haven't introduced myself. I'm Juan.

I live here. .Que paso? Ha ha!

The greatest novelist. Get the door, please.

ZOLO:
Buenos dias.

.Gringos?

.Americanos?

- .Gringos?

- No.

- .Americanos?

- No.

JUAN:
Come in. Make yourself at home.

Ever read ''The Return of Angelina''?

JACK:
No.

JUAN:
Oh, that woman makes me hungry.

How about ''Love's Wicked Kiss?''

JUAN:
Really? Take it. I have many copies.

I have here ''The Ravagers,''

and I'm waiting for ''Angelina's Savage Secret.''

I'm so glad you're here in Colombia.

I want to show you all around my beautiful

village.

We have colorful tile roofs, typical cobblestone

streets...

and very rich fields.

I was born here, and so was my poor family.

JOAN:
What I would really like would be a phone.

JUAN:
No phones, no phones. I hate phones.

I don't have a phone.

But have a drink. Let's hang out.

Look. Like it? I can be in one of your books.

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