Romancing the Stone Page #4

Oh, your drink.

I got Southern Comfort or Michelob...

Kirin, Becks, Dos Equis...

Perrier, Anchor Steam, Doctor Brown...

JACK:
How about a Xerox machine?

Yes, but she's broke.

- Where is the nearest phone?

- Many miles from here.

JOAN:
Can we get there in your car?

JUAN:
Who told you I had a car?

JOAN:
The men in the village.

They told you I had a car? They are such

comedians.

They meant my Little Mule, Pepe.

JUAN:
Not bad for a Little Mule, eh?

Now Pepe's warming up.

JACK:
What are we stopping for?

JUAN:
I can't hurt my favorite pig.

[Screaming]

JOAN:
Look out! Watch it!

- Oh!

- Ha ha!

See over there by the fence? That's where my

mother was born.

And see that tree, the third tree up the ridge?

My brother planted that tree.

[Machine gun firing]

JUAN:
OK, Pepe, let's lose them.

- This guy's crazier than I am.

- Gracias. Yeah!

JACK:
What the hell you doing? That field was

cover!

JUAN:
I wanted to show you this other field.

This guy who's following you, he's very

persistent.

No problem.

My Little Mule is fireproof.

- See that river?

- The one without the bridge?

This is the main water supply for many villages.

JOAN:
What do you mean, the one without the

bridge?

JACK:
The one without the bridge!

Where the hell are you going?

To Lupe's Escape. I used it many times in the

past.

[Screaming]

[Laughing]

JOAN:
Whoo-hoo!

.Deja de disparar!

[Juan laughing]

JUAN:
You're OK now.

You need Little Mule to use Lupe's Escape.

You know, that river, it's impossible to

cross...

for two hundred miles in either direction.

In fact, over that mountain...

the river becomes wild, muy peligroso--

waterfalls, rapids.

Angelina country. Right, Joan?

JOAN:
What ever happened to Lupe?

JUAN:
Ay-yi-yi!

Terrible disappointment to family.

JOAN:
I can imagine.

JUAN:
He entered the priesthood, so I took over

the business.

Is for the best. I'm not so reckless.

He might have ended up hanging from El Tenedor

del Diablo.

It used to happen to bandidos.

JOAN:
El Tenedor del Diablo?

JACK:
OK, let's hit it. We're on a roll.

JUAN:
I'm sorry I cannot take you all the way to

Cartagena.

Beyond this town, I am a wanted man.

But in the morning, there's always a bus.

It will take you.

Of all the things you can say to me right now...

''I've lost her, Ralph...''

is gonna get the most teeth broken in your

mouth.

Bullet head, if they're hiking through the

jungle...

there's nothing I can do about it.

I have a car. I am not Tarzan.

I have been through every one-horse shithole...

for a two-hundred-mile radius.

You should've seen the river I had to traverse

this morning.

So don't give me any of your crap, you gutless

wonder.

You have been an embarrassment to me and the

whole family...

ever since you were born. And one more thing--

JUAN:
Joan.

JOAN:
Yeah?

RALPH:
You are the luckiest son of a b*tch...

that ever walked the earth! She's here!

She's there?

She's right here.

She's coming right toward the phone booth.

She's with some guy.

I don't know why, she likes guys...

So do you, maricon.

.Tiene cuarto para una noche con bano?

CLERK:
All the rooms have baths.

JACK:
That's great. You speak English, too.

That's great.

Listen, you wouldn't have a Xerox machine around

here?

CLERK:
Yeah. We have one in the back.

JACK:
It's big enough to take, like, map-size?

CLERK:
Yeah, complete.

Yes, I understand. I'll do that.

Well, I talked to Elaine. She's all right.

They're gonna wait for me to take the bus in the

morning.

That's great. You're covered.

I don't know. He sounded so smug.

- Who? - That bastard that's got Elaine.

Sure he is. You're bringing him what he wants--

you're bringing him the map.

Yeah.

Well...

I guess this is it.

I guess so.

Oh.

Three-seventy-five. That was the contract,

right?

JACK:
Yep. That was it.

The least I can do is buy you some dinner.

Looks like it's gonna be a hell of a party.

I'd like that.

I'll tell you what. I got a room in the hotel.

Why don't you go get cleaned up? I'll buy us

some new rags.

Number seven.

- Seven?

- Yeah.

JOAN:
That's my lucky number.

Mine, too.

[Music plays]

It's just beautiful.

Thank you, Jack.

JACK:
I think your writing's hot. It's great.

I mean it. I'm telling you, I'm impressed. I am.

You've never even read the book.

I know. I know.

I suppose it's my way of living in another age.

If you did that, I never would have met you.

I got you something.

El Corazon?

JACK:
Let's dance.

- Oh, no, I can't.

- I'll show you.

- I - No.

- Come on. Trust me.

[Large woman speaking Spanish]

I lost my langostino.

RALPH:
No, lady! No! Lady!

Calm down, lady!

WALTER:
.Senora! Aah!

JACK:
Someday, if I had the money...

I'd take you.

I'd sail away.

Just the two of us.

Around the world and back again.

I promise you. I promise you we'd do that.

JOAN:
Why haven't you taken the map away

from me?

What are you talking about?

I saw that tree today, The Devil's Fork.

It's on the map.

You know how close we are?

Sure I do, but what has that got to do with it?

I was thinking about something you said--

about having more to bargain with.

The best way to help your sister is to get that

treasure...

and then you can waltz into Cartagena.

You're holding all the cards.

I'd love to see you on that boat.

But, Jack, if we have to give it up to save

Elaine...

Then we give it up. It's your sister.

Of course we give it up, but that's the point.

At least we got the leverage to do it.

JOAN:
OK.

Let's go for it.

[Rooster crowing]

JACK:
Shh, shh.

Inspect, soldiers. That woman has to be here.

JACK:
He just won't quit.

[Groans]

- What are you doing?

- Hot-wiring the car.

JOAN:
Try the key.

[Engine starts]

JOAN:
There it is. That's the shrine.

JACK:
Yep.

- Let's go.

- Yeah.

They are on the virgin road.

JOAN:
Well, this can't be all.

There's gotta be another clue here.

JACK:
Landmarks change, things grow...

all that stuff, you know?

JOAN:
Oh.

[Rushing water]

Hey, you hear that?

- Waterfall.

- Look, Jack.

JACK:
All right, Joan!

JOAN:
Whoo!

JACK:
Are you all right?

JOAN:
Yeah.

JOAN:
Oh! This has got to be it.

Hey. What does ''Leche de la Madre'' mean?

JACK:
''Leche de la Madre''?

JOAN:
Yeah. It's on the map.

JACK:
It means Mother's Milk.

- Mother's Milk?

- Yeah.

JACK:
I'll be goddamned.

Mama, I'm home.

JOAN:
I can't believe I'm doing this.

JACK:
What?

JOAN:
Digging for treasure with you.

Jack?

JACK:
Yeah?

You're the best time I've ever had.

Never been anybody's best time before.

[Thud]

It's a priceless statue.

JACK:
Somebody out there's got a really sick

sense of humor.

JOAN:
Wait a minute.

My first book, ''Treasures of Lust''...

I hid the treasure inside the statue.

Oh...

Jesus Christ, we're in a lot of trouble.

[Gun c*cks]

RALPH:
Understatement of the year, a**hole.

JACK:
Is there anybody who isn't following you?

RALPH:
Put the goods in the bag.

Come on.

Come on.

Now move it, before Batman comes home.

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