Roommates Page #2

---

and his building's been condemned.

- But does he care? No, he says

he's staying. - Tell him he can't.

I told him.

Stash has told him.

- Not Stash, you.

- The police have told him.

- The police? What police? - Oh, didn't I

mention the landlord called the cops?

Look, he's got to be out by the end

of the day or they're gonna use force.

- He's a harmless old man.

- Wait, wait, hold on a second. What?

- The old man's got a gun. - Michael, guess

what? The harmless old man's got a gun.

Um, I'll be there.

Stand back there, please.

What took ya?

Basha, don't start. I'm here

in four hours from Columbus.

- Anybody talk to him yet?

- Who'll talk to bullets?

Stash, go get a doughnut.

Sorry, buddy, you're gonna

have to go around the block.

I'm... I'm his grandson.

Yeah, you Michael Holeczek?

Hey, mister!

Rock?

It's me, Michael.

I made ya a cup of coffee.

It's instant.

I don't got milk.

Here.

How'd ya heat water?

Before they turned off the gas,

I filled up a thermos.

I got provisions here.

I could last a month.

Maybe more.

- Rocky, what the hell do you think

you're doin'? - Readin' the paper.

I'll tell that to the cops outside.

Oh, for Christ's sake.

This is not a game, Rocky.

You can't stay here.

- How's your coffee? Okay?

- Wait a second. This was decided.

I asked you, "Do you want to move to Tucson

with Barbara and Stash." You said, "Yes."

- I changed my mind.

- Why?

- Why? She invites me to dinner,

your Aunt Barbara. - Yeah?

Well, she's makin' golombis.

What the hell? I say, "Yes."

Now, fat Stash arrives

in his new Cadillac.

New-used. And all the way there he's playing

this goddamn Barry "Maniloff' tape.

- "Low."

- What?

- It's Barry Manilow.

- Who's telling this, you or me?

So he's playing this goddamn tape and he's

talking about some goddamn golf game.

And on top of that he farts.

It's like a trombone.

And he don't notice it.

Jackass.

Well, he's talking

so goddamn much.

And he don't smell it.

He must be used to it. Anyway...

Dr. Holeczek,

are you all right?

Anyway, Stash is a jackass.

And I'm not living with a jackass.

Conversation over.

Finished.

Another thing. They tell me there's

a lot of old people in Arizona.

That could make for

a very difficult job market.

Dr. Holeczek, are you

in possession of the gun?

See?

"Luzzano bakeries,

Italian breads and cakes."

They're spaghetti makers.

But it's better than nothin'.

Wait, wait, wait.

You're lookin' for a job?

Yeah. Find me one.

I'll pay ya 20 bucks.

Okay, so you don't want to go to Arizona.

That's fine. Where are you gonna go?

- I'm gonna stay right here. - Rocky,

they're gonna come in here and get you.

Good.

I just wouldn't want to be

the first guy through the door.

Michael, what the hell's

goin' on up there?

How about if I find you

something in Bloomfield?

- It's a nice neighborhood. - Yeah, the Polanski

brothers lived there, sons of b*tches.

What's the matter with you?

I'm not goin' there.

What about Oakland

over by the hospital?

- Nah, too expensive.

- I'll pay for it.

You will? With what?

"Grow with us. Sara Lee Foods."

I'd be happy to.

Rocky, nobody's gonna hire you anymore.

You're too goddamn old.

Get the hell outta here.

Who asked ya to come?

Go home!

Fine. You think I don't have things to do?

I got things to do. You do what ever you want.

You want to move to Columbus?

Why the hell would

I want to do that?

To live with me. What do you say, Rock?

You want to live with me?

- You got no beds.

- What? Of course I got beds.

A mattress on the floor

is not a bed.

- That was the old place. I got

a new place. - It's got beds?

- One. You get it. I'll take the couch.

- Where did you get the couch?

Rocky, yes or no?

I've lived in this place

50-somethin' years.

Your father was born here.

Your grandmother died

in that room.

I'll play ya gin for the bed.

- I'll get the others to help us unload.

- Others? What others?

You think I rent the whole house?

Come on. I'll introduce you.

- You better lock the car.

- Don't worry.

Well, if they get in, they'll

come in through your door.

I made a deal. I give language lessons

in return for free rent.

- Polish?

- English.

Rock, this is Deng, Zhang, Liu, Fan and Toby.

They're students from mainland China.

- Guys, this is Rocky.

- Communists.

As my father would say, it beats sleeping

in a cave on a long march with Mao.

Your father never saw this place.

It's a water bed, Rock.

All right, now. Is this...

I'll give him this one here.

I'm gonna give ya...

No, I gonna give ya...

All right. Here.

- What do you need, threes?

- It's none of your business.

I'll give you whatever you need.

You thought I needed

threes? I don't need threes.

I know everything

you got in your hand.

No, I don't need no threes.

No, wait a minute.

Yes, I do. Great.

Nah.

I'll go this way. Oh! Oh!

- Here we go. - Rocky, take the bed.

I want you to have the bed.

I don't want that bed.

It's got water in it.

Okay, then you can

have the couch.

A deal is a deal.

The winner chooses.

Here.

All right. Here.

Rocky, I'm exhausted.

I need to sleep. I don't sleep.

- What do you mean, you don't sleep?

- I mean I don't.

- I have insomnia. - Well, you didn't

have that in Pittsburgh.

- Well, I got it when I left Pittsburgh.

- You should see a doctor.

I am a doctor who doesn't sleep,

but would like to try.

Touchy. Touchy.

Finally. Gin.

- You rushed me.

- I did not. Now take the bed.

- Two out of three.

- A deal's a deal. You take the bed.

Two out of three.

On that bed, I could get seasick.

I didn't know that opened.

Dr. Holeczek, would you

give us a hand in 306?

- Not again?

- I'm afraid so.

Let me alone!

Get away from her!

- What's the problem?

- She keeps pulling out her I.V.

Mrs. Alberts. Mrs. Alberts,

will you please?

Get away! No!

Hey! Will you listen to me?

Nobody's touching my hands.

Thank you.

You have cellulitis.

You're receiving ancef,

which is a broad spectrum antibiotic...

as well as glucose and sodium

bicarbonate through this I.V.

You need, I repeat,

you need this medication.

We need to keep you hydrated

as well. Got it?

Okay, I'm a doctor, and I'm

gonna give you the I.V. myself...

You're no doctor. You're a

game-show host. I want a real doctor!

If you keep this up,

I'm gonna have to call an orderly.

- Will you call an orderly?

- I want to go home!

Cecilia, what's goin' on,

sweetheart?

- Cecilia, what's the problem?

- Which, which, which?

What's goin' on? What's goin' on,

Cecilia? It's me, honey.

What's the matter?

What's the matter, huh?

- What's the matter?

- My hands.

They're hurting my hands.

I once had such

beautiful hands.

I bet you still do.

Can I see them?

Will you show them to me?

You wonder why it hurts. Will you

send somebody to the pharmacy for me?

- Are you a doctor?

- I'm a social worker.

I'm the one that got this woman

off the street and into this hospital.

Are you gonna send somebody

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes